How To Know If A Femme Likes You


I don’t think I’m the only one who doesn’t have a problem picking up butches at a lesbian bar but can’t let the butch she likes know she likes her. Am I?

When I like a butch I revert to my teens. I may be rude (dancing with everyone but her at the Butch/Femme Society’s Butch Femme April Dance, leaving a restaurant saying goodbye to everyone except her, not wanting to sit next to her when a group of us goes to the movies), I may turn stupid (accidentally sending her an email or a text message about her that was intended to go out to one of my friends), and I may act like a psycho (epic email to She Who Shall Remain Nameless anyone?). In other words, I let the 15 year old living inside of me out and I manage to make a complete fool out of myself in front of her, which, of course, moves me directly to the bottom of her Dateable Femmes list.

Leaving all of the above aside, I do not like to tell a butch that I like her partly because in the past when I’ve been the hunter I’ve ended dating morons, and partly because, as I’ve grown more comfortable into my own femme skin, I can happily say that I want the butch to be the butch in the relationship. From my own experience, if a femme is the one asking out/chasing, butches get lazy and I don’t want no scrub.

If you are a 2×4 butch wondering if that hottie is into you, this is how a femme who doesn’t regress to her teens may let you know she likes you:

- she looks at you and looks away when you catch her looking at you

- she blushes when you look at her

- she giggles or smiles each time you look at her

- she lowers her chin and plays with her hair while talking to you

- she laughs at your jokes when even you are aware that they aren’t that funny

- she compliments your looks and the clothes you wear

- she uses the clothes you wear as an excuse to touch you

- she’s usually the soul of the party but gets shy around you

- she’s usually shy but she can’t keep her mouth shut around you

- she gets your number with some excuse and texts/BBMs you “just because”

- she lets you pay for dinner

- she insists on paying for her own dinner

- she gets really close to you when you are dancing

- she doesn’t smoke but goes outside with you while you’re smoking

- she volunteers to clean, cook, work the door or help you in any way she can with your next gig if you are some sort of artist/performer

- she invites you to her next gig (concert, poetry reading, yoga class) and makes sure you have a drink, great seats, etc

- she buys you a drink or asks you to buy her a drink

- she cooks or bakes for you if you are moving to a new apartment or going through something like a death in the family (including your partner)

- all of a sudden she is into things that you are into (museums, NY Liberty, hiking) and wants to make plans with you

- she happens to have 2 tickets for your favorite band’s sold-out concert

- she finds an excuse to spend time together (dance lessons, play dates for your dogs, volunteering at a non-profit) so that you can get to know her better

- she tells you point blank that she likes you and asks what you are going to do about it

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28 Responses to How To Know If A Femme Likes You

  1. Terry says:

    Thanks for clearing up all the mystery and I must say you just mended my broken heart now I know why a couple of girls were so mean to me, your not the only girl that reverts to her teens. I hope your having a pleasant night.

    • Thanks Terry. If I don’t know you in real life, I’m glad I’m not the only femme who turns into a teenage drama queen. If I know you, there may be a reason why femmes are mean to you. Just saying :D

  2. I so LOVE this article. :)

  3. alex says:

    it is hard to tell and I think its even harder when butches see femmes in the outside world because you really don’t want to accidently hit on a straight woman, at least I never did, so it was hard. The biggest give away for me was the eye contact that seems to go on forever. I have also experienced the mean femme who likes you, especially when i was in high school. glad i got through that time!

  4. Alyx says:

    Thank you, this information has already been very useful :)

  5. tmboy says:

    This is very useful. Although it makes it seem like A LOT of people like me. I should probably pay better attention.

    On the other hand:
    – she lets you pay for dinner
    – she insists on paying for her own dinner
    ^-^ WTF?!??!

  6. Ha–what a great article. Thanks for the insights. Hmm, maybe I should write a companion post about how to know when a butch likes you…

  7. Paula Adams says:

    Holy Hell…. I have missed about 75% of these signs…. I am so damn clueless…

    This blog is effing EPIC!

    Love it!

    • Thanks for making my night. If you ever figure out whether you’re a butch or stone butch, you and your uniform know where to find me ;)

      • Paula Adams says:

        lol …You just made my ears turn red…. when I figure it out, indeed, I know where… glad I found your blog… it seems in my life I attract Femmes more than anything else, so maybe now, I will be able to understand them a little more.

  8. Ladyface says:

    “she uses the clothes you wear as an excuse to touch you.”

    That’s my very favorite thing to do. Darnit, you’re giving away all our secrets lady! ;)

  9. Wetfromashower says:

    I love your writings…

  10. Megan Dupont says:

    Just a word on the teenage bitch tactic, not good for butch geeks or nerds. We’re used to being ignored by women so you’d just fall into the rest of the female race’s agreement to not date us till we’re richer than the country we live in lol.

    Maybe it’s just me but this list fits my straight fruit flies better than any lesbians I’ve met :/

    • Thanks for your reply. I’m brain dead after a looooong week. All I can think of is… my love don’t coooost a thing… I must have missed the memo on not dating butches who aren’t filthy rich :p

  11. thingee says:

    I’d like to add something I’ve thought of. She listens to you. And she’ll remember stuff! Even small, random things.

    She’ll also epicly forget stuff too, because when she’s swooning on you whilst you’re talking she won’t really be able to listen. All that blood rushing to other places means she can sometimes be mute and giggly. Never mistake an ill placed giggle for her laughing at you or not taking you seriously. She giggling because she’s so happy being wth you and really likes the cut of your jib!

    I hope the writer doesn’t mind me writing this. I wanted to add it because I really identify with the silly femme teenager when I have strong feelings for a butch, and I’ve found that some get very confused by my venusian madness, and it kills me when I see a butch mistakingly I’m laughing at her. Misunderstandings can break our hearts.

  12. Jen says:

    I absolutely love this! So many of us butches tend to be oblivious to these signs. I’ve even been accused of being blind. Can you believe that? ;)

  13. Renee pouvreau says:

    I used to be the giggly schoolgirl but realized that most signals just weren’t being received. I no longer beat around the bush, no pun intended, I just say what is on my mind. No crossed signals, no room for misinterpretation. I like you, do you like me? If yes, then let’s do this! If no, then I really have not wasted any time or angsty energy wondering. Maybe it comes with age.

  14. Perusha says:

    Ok talking from a butch’s perspective on the subject:
    I love the chase and being the hunter. Their is no great thrill. I love the way fems can play so hard to get, but all they want to do is feel your arms around them, now its one thing to play hard to get and a total different ball game when your playing near impossible. Trust me we can only try so hard before we concede that your not interested. While your we love the chase, we also reveal in the knowledge that our advances aren’t in vain. So I implore you consider that while your girlish bashful nature is very endearing we would greatly appreciate straight talk from time to time.

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