Here’s to the 2×4 butches out there who have met femmes during Pride and now want to go out on dates…
– Know your own boundaries and expectations. If you think kissing is too intimate, you may want to reconsider asking anyone out on a date. Most femmes expect a soft peck on the lips the first night. If you’re not into her, say so. Excuses like “I don’t like kissing on the lips because that’s too intimate” will give you a reputation for being a weirdo.
– A date is a date is a date. Ask the femme you like for her number. Call her. Don’t ask her if she wants to hang out – ask her out on a date. Your tongue won’t fall off if you say the word “date”.
– Be on time. Call or text her when you are on your way saying you’re getting into the subway. If you are stuck in traffic and see you’re not going to make it on time, call or text to say so. You don’t want an angry femme sitting by herself in a bar full of butches who may buy her a drink and ask for her number. Get my point?
– Forget about flowers. Don’t bring flowers to the first date because they are too cheesy and an unnecessary burden. No femme wants to carry around a single rose or a bouquet all night.
– Open the door, help her remove her coat, and pull out her chair. Chivalry is NOT dead.
– Don’t order for her. Ask your date what she wants and if it’s ok that you place the order for both of you. Do not go ahead and order for both of you without even asking what she wants unless you want her to think she’s on a date with her father.
– Don’t get wasted. Not even tipsy. Stick to 2 drinks during dinner and maybe 2 more if you go out for drinks afterwards.
– Remember what your mother taught you: don’t chew with your mouth open, don’t talk with your mouth full, and don’t go ballistic on the waiter if your order isn’t right.
– Cheese it up please. If you are in an Italian restaurant and the waiter just leaves the cheese on the table, ask your date if she wants some. Then get up, and sprinkle some cheese on her pasta. So sexy!
– Don’t make it all about you. Ask questions about her life and listen to what she’s saying without interrupting her.
– Don’t check your cell or blackberry. If you can’t go through dinner without checking if you have text messages, emails or new tweets you have issues pal. Go get help.
– Get your act together. If you met online and had hour long conversations before going out for the first time, don’t fuck it up asking: “did I tell you this?”. That will give her the impression of that you’re playing the field with so many women you can’t keep track of whom you’ve told what.
– If your last girlfriend/wife died, talk about her for 10 minutes if you must, then move on to the next topic. Do not take her picture out of your wallet. A date should be a date, not a therapy session. If you are not comfortable with it, say so. Most femmes won’t end the date early if you politely admit you are thinking about/missing your dead partner and feel it’s too soon to date. Do pay for dinner though.
– Stand up when she is going to the bathroom and pull her chair out for her when she comes back.
– Bathroom break. This is a slippery slope. Personally, I don’t like butches accompanying me to the bathroom because I’m not a 5 year old who needs her daddy to take her potty. At the same time, I’ve had many butches slide their phone numbers to me on my way to or back from the bathroom while it was obvious that I was on a date with someone else. So it’s your call.
– Do not stretch or yawn while you wait for the bill.
– Do not take out, play around with, or leave a toothpick inside your mouth. Eww. Eww. Eww. “Toothpick” shouldn’t even be on your vocabulary. Capisci?
– Pay for dinner. Really, pay for it. Being the independent femme she is, she will offer to go dutch. If you accept, she will think you are either too cheap or not into her. C’mon. You haven’t taken her to Veritas. She hasn’t ordered the most expensive item on the menu. It’s a date. You asked her out. You pay for it. Period.
– Hold her hand when you leave the restaurant. Only if there is a connection, of course.
– If you go out for drinks, all of the above applies (remove her coat, pull out her bar stool, pay for her drinks, etc). Lightly brush her arm or back to show interest. Don’t overdo it. Make sure you stay focused on her and that your eyes don’t run after every piece of meat you see in the bar. If another femme approaches you, politely explain you are on a date. If a butch tries to cockblock you, tell her you are on a date without making an ass of yourself in front of the femme.
– No sex on the first date. Kiss her goodnight and say goodbye. You can be cheesy in person or over the phone telling her that you want to get to know her before you have sex. Even if sex happens on the second date, give her a reason to see you a second time. Personally, if I’ve had sex the first night, I don’t bother in picking up the phone if she calls – I already got the milk so why buy the cow?
– Do call after the date. CALL her. No text messaging, no online messaging, no Facebooking or MySpacing. Pick up the phone, dial her number, and talk to her.
– Throw away the 3 day rule. We are not in high school anymore. I don’t know about you but I’m not a spring chicken and I have no patience for butches who wait 3 days to call or – even worse – send a text message.
– Don’t be a chicken shit. If you don’t like her enough to go out on a second date, don’t disappear. Call or send her an email explaining why you don’t like her. C’mon. Be a decent human being, save her time, energy and angst trying to find out what she did wrong. Be upfront and tell her why you don’t like her. Be careful how you word it. If you say “we can be friends”, follow up with plans to get together.
– Don’t be a sore loser – if the femme paid for her dinner and said goodbye outside of the restaurant or if she has told you she’s not feeling you and doesn’t want to go out on a second date, do not call her again. Do not stalk her on Facebook or MySpace either. Do not try to find out where she’ll be with her friends. If you see her in a public setting, say hi to her and move on quickly.
The same rules apply to the second, third, or twenty-seventh date. Go dutch or let her pay for lunch/dinner from time to time if she insists. After a few dates, DO NOT ask her if she can carry your things for you in her purse. The same way butches don’t want to carry our purses, we don’t like to have extra weight in them. So wear cargo pants or invest in a man bag (messenger, newsboy, camera… anything that doesn’t look like a backpack thanks!).
I ran these rules by my butch and stone butch friends. Some got offended (“I don’t need a femme to tell me how to treat her”), some were happy. If the above makes me high maintenance, so be it. I don’t care.