First Date Rules


Here’s to the 2×4 butches out there who have met femmes during Pride and now want to go out on dates…

– Know your own boundaries and expectations. If you think kissing is too intimate, you may want to reconsider asking anyone out on a date. Most femmes expect a soft peck on the lips the first night. If you’re not into her, say so. Excuses like “I don’t like kissing on the lips because that’s too intimate” will give you a reputation for being a weirdo.

– A date is a date is a date. Ask the femme you like for her number. Call her. Don’t ask her if she wants to hang out – ask her out on a date. Your tongue won’t fall off if you say the word “date”.

– Be on time. Call or text her when you are on your way saying you’re getting into the subway. If you are stuck in traffic and see you’re not going to make it on time, call or text to say so. You don’t want an angry femme sitting by herself in a bar full of butches who may buy her a drink and ask for her number. Get my point?

– Forget about flowers. Don’t bring flowers to the first date because they are too cheesy and an unnecessary burden. No femme wants to carry around a single rose or a bouquet all night.

– Open the door, help her remove her coat, and pull out her chair. Chivalry is NOT dead.

– Don’t order for her. Ask your date what she wants and if it’s ok that you place the order for both of you. Do not go ahead and order for both of you without even asking what she wants unless you want her to think she’s on a date with her father.

– Don’t get wasted. Not even tipsy. Stick to 2 drinks during dinner and maybe 2 more if you go out for drinks afterwards.

– Remember what your mother taught you: don’t chew with your mouth open, don’t talk with your mouth full, and don’t go ballistic on the waiter if your order isn’t right.

– Cheese it up please. If you are in an Italian restaurant and the waiter just leaves the cheese on the table, ask your date if she wants some. Then get up, and sprinkle some cheese on her pasta. So sexy!

– Don’t make it all about you. Ask questions about her life and listen to what she’s saying without interrupting her.

– Don’t check your cell or blackberry. If you can’t go through dinner without checking if you have text messages, emails or new tweets you have issues pal. Go get help.

– Get your act together. If you met online and had hour long conversations before going out for the first time, don’t fuck it up asking: “did I tell you this?”. That will give her the impression of that you’re playing the field with so many women you can’t keep track of whom you’ve told what.

– If your last girlfriend/wife died, talk about her for 10 minutes if you must, then move on to the next topic. Do not take her picture out of your wallet. A date should be a date, not a therapy session. If you are not comfortable with it, say so. Most femmes won’t end the date early if you politely admit you are thinking about/missing your dead partner and feel it’s too soon to date. Do pay for dinner though.

– Stand up when she is going to the bathroom and pull her chair out for her when she comes back.

– Bathroom break. This is a slippery slope. Personally, I don’t like butches accompanying me to the bathroom because I’m not a 5 year old who needs her daddy to take her potty. At the same time, I’ve had many butches slide their phone numbers to me on my way to or back from the bathroom while it was obvious that I was on a date with someone else. So it’s your call.

– Do not stretch or yawn while you wait for the bill.

– Do not take out, play around with, or leave a toothpick inside your mouth. Eww. Eww. Eww. “Toothpick” shouldn’t even be on your vocabulary. Capisci?

– Pay for dinner. Really, pay for it. Being the independent femme she is, she will offer to go dutch. If you accept, she will think you are either too cheap or not into her. C’mon. You haven’t taken her to Veritas. She hasn’t ordered the most expensive item on the menu. It’s a date. You asked her out. You pay for it. Period.

– Hold her hand when you leave the restaurant. Only if there is a connection, of course.

– If you go out for drinks, all of the above applies (remove her coat, pull out her bar stool, pay for her drinks, etc). Lightly brush her arm or back to show interest. Don’t overdo it. Make sure you stay focused on her and that your eyes don’t run after every piece of meat you see in the bar. If another femme approaches you, politely explain you are on a date. If a butch tries to cockblock you, tell her you are on a date without making an ass of yourself in front of the femme.

– No sex on the first date. Kiss her goodnight and say goodbye. You can be cheesy in person or over the phone telling her that you want to get to know her before you have sex. Even if sex happens on the second date, give her a reason to see you a second time. Personally, if I’ve had sex the first night, I don’t bother in picking up the phone if she calls – I already got the milk so why buy the cow?

– Do call after the date. CALL her. No text messaging, no online messaging, no Facebooking or MySpacing. Pick up the phone, dial her number, and talk to her.

– Throw away the 3 day rule. We are not in high school anymore. I don’t know about you but I’m not a spring chicken and I have no patience for butches who wait 3 days to call or – even worse – send a text message.

– Don’t be a chicken shit. If you don’t like her enough to go out on a second date, don’t disappear. Call or send her an email explaining why you don’t like her. C’mon. Be a decent human being, save her time, energy and angst trying to find out what she did wrong. Be upfront and tell her why you don’t like her. Be careful how you word it. If you say “we can be friends”, follow up with plans to get together.

– Don’t be a sore loser – if the femme paid for her dinner and said goodbye outside of the restaurant or if she has told you she’s not feeling you and doesn’t want to go out on a second date, do not call her again. Do not stalk her on Facebook or MySpace either. Do not try to find out where she’ll be with her friends. If you see her in a public setting, say hi to her and move on quickly.

The same rules apply to the second, third, or twenty-seventh date. Go dutch or let her pay for lunch/dinner from time to time if she insists. After a few dates, DO NOT ask her if she can carry your things for you in her purse. The same way butches don’t want to carry our purses, we don’t like to have extra weight in them. So wear cargo pants or invest in a man bag (messenger, newsboy, camera… anything that doesn’t look like a backpack thanks!).

I ran these rules by my butch and stone butch friends. Some got offended (“I don’t need a femme to tell me how to treat her”), some were happy. If the above makes me high maintenance, so be it. I don’t care.

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14 thoughts on “First Date Rules

  1. Cyd says:

    Je**s Maria! i had to read this out loud to J*, and we couldn’t stop laughing….and i couldn’t stop yelling ‘Hell Yes!”! thanks – looking forward to reading you up more doll.

  2. Lee Galbreath says:

    I love this! The only thing I have an issue with is letting the femme pay for dinner on occasion. I love to spoil my girls and treating them to very nice dinners/movies…etc. is all a part of it. I am very old fashioned in nature and it just doesn’t feel right to me to have her pay for anything. Chivarly is NOT dead…at least not in my world. I love it when a woman (date, girlfriend, or perfect stranger) allows me to open doors and pull out chairs for them. To me, it is a show of respect for her as a femme. 🙂

  3. Akiva says:

    Interesting perspective. I’d like to post some butch rules to femmes:

    Be nice! Don’t be snotty. We know you’re pretty.

    Be sweet! We’re already insecure boneheads. Please don’t tell us about your “straight” days or your past boyfriends, especially if they are still in your lives. I do not want to hear how you lost your virginity to some guy.

    Always offer to pay. We live in 2010 and it’s fine if we go dutch. However, any good butch would NEVER let a femme pay on the first date.

    Don’t interact with straight men, especially ones who come up to the table. I actually had a date where a man came and sat at our table and told her “she’s never been with a real man” etc. He would not leave and she left me powerless. If she had said to get the hell away and threatened to call the management, perhaps he would have left. But she liked the attention and she did invite him in by initiating conversation.

    Please don’t mention femme cock.

    That’s all I can think of now! But thanks so much for your perspective. I think it’s great for all butches to be reminded now and then of how to properly treat a femme!

  4. Aster says:

    I like the advice in the “don’t be a chicken shit” paragraph and it goes both ways. I really hate to hear “I’m not into (blank), but I don’t want to hurt (blank) by saying so.” No, the person you don’t want to hurt or make uncomfortable is “you.” Be a grown up or the other person will end up feeling (and being) used.

  5. Spanky says:

    You put that out there very well for those butches who dont know the ropes yet as to how to approach a femme or treat her as such!!! Thank God I dont need any schooling with that lol

  6. hotdamnfemme says:

    (First off: so glad WordPress randomly introduced me to another femme’s blog!)

    As for flowers, if a butch offers to pick me up from my place for a date, I think flowers are super sweet! And since I’m at my place, I can put them in a vase immediately to swoon over after the date is over. But maybe that’s more of a second or third date thing? The whole showing a stranger where you live? Heh.

  7. María Lapachet says:

    @cyd @lori @lee @spanky thanks for stopping by. Stay tuned for more tips and crazy ideas : )

    @akiva thanks for sharing your tips for femmes, now get your own blog :p Seriously, sorry you had a bad experience with that femme. Sounds like you dated a femme who didn’t know date etiquette or simply wasn’t into you.

    @aster I couldn’t agree with you more. I think it’s selfish to waste someone else’s time and energy just because you’re afraid to lose them/be alone/be seen as “less than”. It goes both ways though – I’ve been with butches who tried to impress me pretending they were into _____ and experts in ______ when they weren’t.

    @hotdamnfemme (happy WordPress has connected us!) I LOVE flowers but not on the first date. Not even on the third date. This is NYC and no butch is finding out where I live/work until at least the 5th date LOL

  8. BarbRyan says:

    This is a great article and fab comments. I’d like to add. If you are late – please don’t make excuses or place blame on others. It’s a turn off. Just apologize for running late and promise to make it up to me later. 😉

  9. David says:

    ha – I have to respond to this. I’m a grouchy old guy and at my age I’m not about to bounce up and down out of my seat every time my date has to get up and go to the bathroom. (Sure, I’ll get the door, but, I’m pretty sure she can figure out how to pull out her own seat) I’m a pretty secure person – if some butch hands my woman his number when she is on her way to the ladies room I know the woman who goes out on a date with me has the huevos to tell the SOB to pick up the tab.

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