A Femme’s Guide to the Twilight Saga

If you haven’t read the books or seen the movies, don’t panic. I’m here to walk you through the first three movies from A to Z, meaning that I’m gonna give away the endings. So if you don’t want to know what happens, stop reading.

There are two basic truths:

1. The Twilight Saga is not about teenage angst and vampire love. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not the story of a girl who must choose between necrophilia and bestiality either.

2. The Twilight Saga is about Yours Truly (Bella Swan), She Who Shall Remain Nameless (Edward Cullen), and the New Butch On the Block (Jacob Black).

But first things first – as a feminist, I cannot and will not recommend these movies. Edward Cullen is a master abuser and manipulator who tries to control Bella. When she starts noting strange behaviors in him, he tells her she is imagining things because she hit her head (after the car accident in Twilight). He stalks her – he gets into her room while she sleeps to watch her sleep (what? Are we normalizing stalking behaviors now? Is that what Hollywood wants to sell to teenagers everywhere?) and follows her when she goes shopping with her friends (he tries to fix it with an “I feel very protective of you” which, of course, does the trick and has even the most feminist of feminists dripping in the theater). He is also kind of creepy (the way he stares at her from a distance, the way he eavesdrops, the way he talks…) and socially awkward. Believe it or not, most of these are traits he shares with She Who Shall Remain Nameless. Along the same lines, Bella is objectified – while the objectification is not too sexualized, they all want her blood, they can’t resist her scent, and she always needs to be protected (whether by Edward/vampires or Jacob/wolves doesn’t matter). Though she can fend for herself with humans (bookstore scene), she can’t fight vampires so, in a sense, she is a modern damsel in distress and I don’t like it.

So, what happens in the movies? Why do I like them so much? Why do I identify with the characters? What’s the catch?

In Twilight we see a pale and skinny Bella arriving in Forks, a middle of nowhere town in Washington State. As the song goes: the boys wanna do her, the girls wanna be her, and the vampires wanna eat her. Like Yours Truly, she doesn’t like cold and wet things, she is stubborn, smart, and can take care of herself. She has a twisted sense of humor and is not into girly clothes, makeup and stuff. Just like She Who Shall Remain Nameless in real life, Edward can’t resist my (Bella’s) scent and can’t figure me (her) out. He stares at her from a distance, intrigued, afraid to make a move. He is rude to her to keep her away (here is where my delusion kicks in – if She Who Shall Remain Nameless doesn’t talk to me it is not because she truly isn’t into me: she is just trying to protect me *eye roll*). He is impossibly fast and strong, his skin is pale and ice cold, his eyes change color, sometimes he speaks like he is from a different time… a great catch, right? He has great qualities like being older than dirt (I’m a sick puppy, love them geriatric butches!) or sparkling under the sun – yes, Edward’s skin sparkles under the sun and that makes any Hello Kitty loving femme lose her shit. There are even more uncanny resemblances between Edward and She Who Shall Remain Nameless: everything about them invites you in: their voices, their faces, even their smells. They have been waiting for us (Bella and I) for a long time and can’t control themselves around us. In this first movie Jacob is just a sweetheart who fixes Bella’s truck and accepts a bribe to go talk her out of dating Edward at the end of the movie. The end of the movie is to die for: Bella and Edward dancing in a gazebo to Iron & Wine’s “Flightless Bird, American Mouth” (why can’t She Who Shall Remain Nameless kiss me on the neck like that?). Oh and the bad guys are a trio of nomad vampires who were eating animals and people on the Cullens’ turf (the Cullens are Edward’s adoptive parents and siblings).

Let me make this crystal clear: New Moon fucks with your head. The movie is SO not fair. At the end of Twilight you would think that Yours Truly and She Who Shall Remain Nameless would stay together forever, but Edward is such a jerk in this one that – despite a very good line at the beginning (“do you not understand my feelings for you at all?”) (When is She Who Shall Remain Nameless going to open her eyes and smell the coffee? Why can’t she say something like that to me?) – you spend most of the movie wanting to kill him. In New Moon, Bella gets a paper cut, Edward freaks out, his whole family moves away, he tells Bella he doesn’t love her, and she loses her shit engaging in risky behaviors trying to get Edward to come back or at least appear to her (in visions). She gets closer to Jacob, who has buffed up and is totally hot, speaks Spanish (I can guarantee you that if The New Butch On the Block asked “where the hell have you been loca?” hugging me like Jacob hugs Bella in the movie, she would be getting some that night!), is super strong, can fix bikes, is really hot (24/7 108F body heat for Yours Truly), is not a stalker (he throws pebbles at Bella’s window before he goes into her bedroom), and is really cute. He is there for her. He is not afraid to talk about his feelings and makes sure Bella knows he is into her, saying things like: “I’ve got loads of time. I’m not going to give up” (New Moon); “Look, I know what he did to you. But Bella, I would never, ever do that. I won’t ever hurt you. I promise. I won’t let you down. You can count on me” (New Moon); “I’m exactly right for you, Bella. It would have been effortless for us— comfortable, easy as breathing” (Eclipse); or “I’m in love with you, Bella. Bella, I love you. And I want you to pick me instead of him. I know you don’t feel that way, but I need the truth out there so that you know your options. I wouldn’t want a miscommunication to stand in our way” (Eclipse). So just when you think that She Who Shall Remain Nameless is OUT for being a sourpuss and The New Butch On the Block is IN for being so sweet, supporting, and understanding, Bella runs to Italy to rescue Edward who has been having suicidal fantasies since the beginning of the movie and, thinking that Bella is dead, wants the Volturi to kill him. The Volturi are a group Italian vampires with red contact lenses. Long story short: she is about to kiss Jacob in the kitchen when Edward calls, Jacob answers the phone, lets Edward believe Bella’s father is planning her funeral, and she gets pissed and rushes to Italy to save Edward. She saves him, they come back to the US, Edward says a few magical words (“I lied. I had to lie. And you believed me so easily”; “Bella, you are everything to me. You are everything”; “Marry me, Bella”), and by the end of the movie you are totally in love with She Who Shall Remain Nameless again. Of course the New Butch On the Block’s feelings get hurt in the process.

Now, let’s get into the third movie of the saga. In Eclipse we learn that my (Bella’s) scent is so powerful that even newborn vampires want a piece of me (her). Edward is back, Jacob is not talking to me because it’s been only three weeks since I (Bella) came back from Italy with Edward and Jacob’s feelings are still hurt. There is a new vampire army forming in Seattle, Edward has chosen to keep this piece of info from Bella, and she finds out through Jacob who makes a point of telling her he’ll never lie to her. During the movie he also tells her that she wouldn’t have to change for him, they could grow old together and see their grandchildren grow up (maybe I’m making the grandchildren part up but the rest is in the movie). Edward and Jacob must set aside their differences and join forces to protect me from an army of newborn vampires. I don’t remember how, but the three of us end up on a mountain in a tent, I’m freezing to death and I end up with Jacob in a sleeping bag (“I run at a toasty one-oh-eight these days. I’ll have you sweating in no time”) while Edward is obviously jealous but you know what? You missed your chance asshole! At one point Jacob tells Bella: “I’m gonna love you till your heart stops beating” (if The New Butch On the Block told me that, I would tell her to start looking for sperm donors because I want to be the mother of her children). There is some butch bonding – while Bella sleeps, Edward and Jacob talk about how they would like each other if they weren’t both in love with the same woman.

So that, in a nutshell, is what the Twilight Saga craze is about. There are also fights, special effects and stuff, but who cares, right?

The catch is that it’s been three movies already and we haven’t seen any action. In Twilight Edward was afraid to kiss Bella because he thought he would eat her alive. In New Moon we don’t see shit because he goes MIA. In Eclipse we see some kisses and semi-making out (he buys a to-die-for bed for her {he didn’t have a bed in his bedroom because he doesn’t sleep}), but Edward is old fashioned: “I’m from a different era, things were a lot less complicated. And if I had met you back then, I would have courted you. Would have taken you on chaperoned strolls, iced tea on the porch… I may have stolen a kiss or two, but only after asking your father’s permission, I would have gotten down on one knee and I would have presented you with a ring” – he wants to wait till after they get married. In other words, I identify with the characters because he withholds sex from Bella the same way that She Who Shall Remain Nameless withholds it from me. I think she is well aware that if she gave me any, I would probably leave her apartment the morning after texting my friends that I have had better. So she plays her cards right and keeps me longing and wanting her.

Useful links

Twilight movie fan site
Twilight official trailer
New Moon official website
New Moon official trailer
Eclipse official website
Eclipse official trailer
Iron & Wine’s Flightless Bird, American Mouth (song they dance at the end of Twilight)
Stephanie Meyer official website (she s the author of the saga)

5 thoughts on “A Femme’s Guide to the Twilight Saga

  1. It sounds like you get the best of both worlds – Edward and Jacob in the form of yummy Butches. Lucky Lady! I can’t relate to Bella though. I’m more of a Marianne Dashwood from Sense and Sensibility. 🙂

  2. Awesome! It always amazes me how your mind works! ❤ I have just one question.
    When are you going to write a Porn Movie?

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