Some of the stupidest things that butches have done for/to my friends and me:
– Chasing a femme for weeks to take her out on a date only to not look at her in the eye or ask a single question the night they finally go out.
– Asking a femme out for all the wrong reasons – the biggest one being not wanting to be alone. Yes, it’s not a definite science but generally speaking femmes can sense when someone is using us or somehow settling for less. Don’t waste our time.
– Refusing to see that there is no chemistry and begging for another date.
– Expecting to get sex according to their own mental calendars and flipping out when the femmes say they won’t put out.
– Not putting any thought into their dates. Dinner and a movie doesn’t make the cut if you really want to get to know a femme. Coffee dates have been banned since a butch mentioned they are a nice way to spend “just $10-$20” on someone. It is not the amount itself. It is the thought that cheapens the dating experience.
– Not taking NO for an answer.
– Trying to bribe a femme to go out with them. I can’t speak for all femmes but I can tell you that I don’t care how much money those Broadway tickets cost you. I wasn’t going out with you on the first place so go ahead and stick the tickets up your ass.
– Asking a femme to pay for dinner on the first date. Followed by asking her for gas or transportation money, parking and toll fees, etc. If you can’t afford to date, then don’t. Being single is not the end of the world.
– Showing up with a harness too big for their dick or a dick too small for their harness and trying to laugh it off. Butches need to know their own business: butch cock size and material, how to use it, how to put on a condom, etc. At certain ages, insecurity and nervousness is an instant turn off. So is a dick that will keep falling out of the harness or coming out of a femme. * * * This is obviously for strapping butches who have portrayed themselves as being experienced with strapping on. This is not an expectation or demand that all butches use strap ons, because that isn’t true. There are butches (and femmes!) who preffer non strap on sex which is perfectly normal and ok.
– Trying to get her cock in a femme without wearing a condom and/or expecting the femme to go down on her without protection. If the femme asks for condoms or dental dams, saying something stupid like: “I’m clean, you can trust me” (bitch pleeze, I just met you!).
– Bragging about being great in the sack or spending weeks talking about the things she will do to a femme… only to fall asleep or – even worse – repeat the same moves again and again. Never overpromise and underdeliver in the bedroom!!
– Telling the femme she wants to get her pregnant while she is inside her. What the heck is that about?!
– Saying another femme’s name in bed.
– Drinking more than a fish and refusing to acknowledge s/he has a problem. As in: (a) calling the femme several times to leave messages that would make Mel Gibson look like an innocent preschooler, and (b) showing up at events completely wasted, bickering with her femme in front of everyone, talking shit about the femme and their relationship if the butch has gone out solo, and interrupting conversations or performances unaware of her bad timing.
– Telling a femme what to eat and – I don’t know what’s worse – belittling her with nasty remarks about her weight a la “that’s gonna give you cancer and make you fatter,” “you’ve gained weight, I don’t want to be seen with you in public,” and “you are always eating; what did I tell you about watching your figure?”.
– Calling a femme at 2:00 am when she’s on a business trip knowing perfectly well that the femme is sharing a room with one of her coworkers and that her call will be the talk of the office when they get back.
– Telling the femme she is thinking marriage while she’s known all along the femme was thinking just one night stand. It may have turned into a few weeks, but marriage is far from her mind.
– Expecting femmes to be their mothers or talking daily planners – “why didn’t you remind me I have to do so and so?”
– Doing absolutely nothing around the house whether they are living together or in a long distance relationship and the butch is staying at the femme’s place (regardless of for how many days).
– Pestering the femme to play hooky while visiting. Believe it or not, some femmes still put their careers above their relationships and/or may not be able to take time off each time their butch comes to visit. It’s not cute when a butch visits and can’t entertain her/himself for a few hours while the femme is at work.
– Acting as if the cards, movie or concert tickets, books, CDs, etc that the femme has given her were nothing more than trash. How does a butch do that? By letting her dog pee on the cards, throwing out any movie or concert tickets, sitting on and breaking the CDs’ jewel cases, losing the books, misplacing or scratching the CDs…
– Namedropping and buying expensive gifts to impress a femme yet not being able to do something as simple as picking up a card in CVS or Duane Reade to wish her a happy birthday.
– Buying the wrong stuff. The femme has even given the butch a list of what she wants for Christmas/her birthday and the butch buys her something completely different or the wrong size/color because she was simply not paying attention or – even worse – because she was focused on impressing her friends (especially when the gift is expensive) rather than on what the femme wanted/would like.
– Being a pushover. A butch that agrees to everything or doesn’t have a backbone is not attractive at all. While being aggressive can sometimes be wrongly perceived as being an asshole, being assertive is always sexy.
– Making fun of her in front of other people. It can be telling a joke at the femme’s expense or saying something embarrassing that happened when they were alone or something that was told to the butch in confidence. It can be because the butch really doesn’t know better or because s/he likes to humiliate her girlfriends.
– Cheating on a femme is bad. Disloyalty is 10,000,000,000,000 times worse. So is not being able to keep a secret.
– Trying to convince the femme that there’s something wrong with her for not liking one of the butch’s friends, pets or relatives and pushing them onto the femme instead of letting the relationship grow organically.
– Spending more time on Facebook/MySpace than living a real life. Sure you love her. Does the rest of the world need to know she has you mesmerized? Because if my butch is mesmerized I surely hope s/he will spend time fucking me instead of updating her Facebook status every freaking 5 minutes.
– Calling everyone and their mothers to brag about a femme preparing her a romantic bubble bath instead of jumping right in the water with her.
– Getting her cheap flowers and spending the whole weekend fishing for compliments and thank yous (“those are nice flowers you got”).
– Sending the femme flowers after she’s told the butch that she’s cheated on her. Hello?!
– Withholding sex from a femme or making her beg for it. If you are not in a BDSM relationship, withholding sex on a femme can be a fast deal breaker.
– Blaming her lack of libido on the femme’s “sex addition” as if there was something wrong with a femme for wanting sex a few times a day.
– Telling a femme she is going to quit smoking, stop drinking or doing drugs, start going to the gym, stop eating dairy, start going to therapy or make any other major change in your life for her. Do things for you. Don’t blackmail a femme into staying with you because if she doesn’t you’ll go back to drinking or doing drugs.
– Throwing a pity party. We all have bad days but when the butch you are with is a self-loather, you end up getting tired of having to raise her spirits and start thinking about giving her a real reason to complain (i.e. dumping her ass or cheating).
– Carving your initials in a tree. Are you two 14 years old lovebirds living in 1950s America? Really? Haven’t you heard about vandalism, respecting public and private property, and that trees are living creatures? I’m no tree hugger but if you’re gonna do something romantic involving a tree let it be planting one together instead of vandalizing one.
– Getting a tattoo with the femme’s name or initials right after you have met her or when things aren’t going well between you. Either way, it can be seen as you trying to put too much pressure on her to fall in love with you or not to leave you.
– Copying poems from the internet and trying to pass them as something she wrote. This is especially idiotic when the femme has a degree in English Literature and knows Wordsworth by heart.
– Not accepting blame or responsibility for anything.
– Trying to turn things around when caught in a lie or doing something stupid. This means, unashamedly and unapologetically trying to make a femme believe that she’s crazy for let’s say thinking the butch wrote that Martin Luther King quote on the last card she gave her (“I simply forgot to put quotation marks and write his name under the quote silly face, of course I didn’t write that!”).
– Comparing themselves to the femme’s exes. Often done in a negative light, fishing for compliments and reassurance. It gets old soon and it can backfire – because if a butch pulls this card on me on one of my bad days I may tell her something like: “you know what? There’s so much lying that I could do. My ex was better than you in every aspect and also in bed” (yup, I’m pretty much evil!).
– Shedding crocodile tears and asking for pity sex (before, during or after the relationship is over).
– Refusing to be the one leaving when the relationship is not working. Most butches don’t want to be the leaver – while it’s true that femmes can drag things out too, if your girlfriend hints that she’s noticed you don’t say you love her back, butch up and tell her that’s because you don’t love her and want out. Being the leavee is more fun in the sense of that it gives you an excuse to throw a pity party and even meet new femmes but, c’mon, grow a pair. If you want out, say so.
– After a break up, throwing on the femme’s face all the things the butch has done for her to point out how ungrateful and crazy she is for walking away from such a great catch.
– After a break up, overnighting the femme a deck of highlighted printouts of her emails to point out all the things she saw in the butch at the beginning of their relationship or while they were still happy together. Again, because the butch needs to make sure the femme knows she is making a huge mistake for letting go of such a great catch.
– After a break up, telling everyone and their mothers that the femme was abusive and a witch to her while still calling said femme, begging her to take her back and promising she will change.
– After a break up, when the femme won’t take the butch back, keep calling her asking for another chance and keep playing the pity card with anyone who will listen.
– After a break up, asking the femme’s friends out on dates as if they didn’t know what a great catch the butch is or wouldn’t tell their friend.
– After a break up, following the femme with puppy eyes and/or dancing around her with some other femme hoping to get noticed. Because nothing says: “I’m over you” better than behaving like a 16 year old boy on prom night, right? Even worse: calling the femme the day after to confess the butch was trying to get noticed and beg once more to be taken back.
– After a break up, whenever around the femme, making sure everyone knows the two of them were together and she did oh so many things for that unappreciative femme.
– Shadowing a butch the femme has a crush on i.e. trying to become her acquaintance/friend, making excuses to see that butch and/or becoming that butch’s friend/client. This is normally done just so that the butch has something to talk about with her girlfriend or ex. In one word: pathetic.
– Asking their ex for Christmas shopping help. Even if they’ve moved to the friends zone, it shows lack of respect and sensitivity. So you never got her gifts right and now you want her to pick gifts for another femme?
– Asking the femme if she remembers the name of the hotel where the butch took her on their last vacation because she now wants to take her new girlfriend there. That’s pretty bad. Like asking: “remember the positions I fucked you in when we were together? Can you remind me so I can do it to my current girlfriend?”