Keeping It Hot


A few weeks ago I grabbed a quick bite with a group of friends after the monthly NYC Butch Femme Social. A butch complained about how, despite scheduling it, she wasn’t getting enough sex at home. I bit my tongue to keep from telling her that if she wasn’t drunk all the time her femme would be more willing to put out.

Date nights, romantic weekend getaways, champagne and chocolate covered strawberries, lingerie, sex board games, handcuffs… sure help in the short term. Here are other things you can do to keep your relationship sizzling in the long run:

Get over yourself. So what if you have gained a few pounds, have sagging tits or cellulite? Don’t get trapped in all of the ridiculous standards and notions of what women should look like, remember that your partner isn’t a super model either.

Don’t let yourself go. Getting over yourself doesn’t mean that you have to stop caring because you have lived together for years. First and foremost, listen to your partner and know what she likes. If your butch likes hairy femmes, then be her guest and don’t shave but, as a general rule, ladies, wax or shave your legs, bikini lines, armpits, and upper lips! If your femme likes to run her fingers thru really short butch hair, keep your haircut appointments. If your femme likes metrosexual butches, don’t walk around in sweatpants all day, leave the caps for the gym and, for Pete’s sake, throw away those boxers with holes in them!

Act your age. Nothing kills someone’s mojo faster than being with a baby whether it is a 60 year old femme acting like a 6 year old or a 50 year old butch acting like a 5 year old. Please note I’m not talking about role playing, but everyday life.

Stick to the 2 drinks rule. No one wants to sleep with someone who smells like a liquor store or makes a fool of herself. Whether you are out on the town or in a happy hour for two at home, if you want to get laid, 2 drinks is enough.

Set your priorities straight. Your partner first. Then your work blackberry. Then your personal email, Facebook, twitter, etc. Discuss and decide when to stop being online for the night and stick to that timeframe.

Stop parenting your partner. No one wants to sleep with their parents so stop all the bickering and fights over small stuff. If her lack of table manners or not cleaning the cat’s litter annoys you so much, leave her. She’s not going to change, so you either get out of the relationship or get over it.

Don’t make it all about sex. Preheat the oven throughout the day. Small details like a smile with her morning coffee, an email or text message saying how much you love her, “just because” flowers or a Hallmark card will help her to be more receptive when you initiate sex the next time.

Masturbate. You need to be comfortable with your body so you can tell her what you like and how you like it (this doesn’t apply to stone butches unless you are the exception to the rule i.e. a stone who likes to be touched). If you can’t masturbate or talk about it, it will be very difficult for you to open up about your sexual fantasies with your partner.

Communicate. It obviously helps to know your partner’s list of dos and don’ts, fantasies, and boundaries. Knowing how to express your feelings is also the key to avoid holding a grudge that will ruin your sex life.

Sext her. Send her spicy, sexually explicit text messages telling her how awesome she was last night and how you can hardly wait to get home and ____________ her or ______ her _______.

Let her get her freak on. Whether she likes to be spanked senseless, lick Nutella off of your strap on, or pretend she’s dead while you are on top/under of her, GO TO TOWN. Assuming it’s nothing illegal and you don’t have any allergies or childhood traumas, be flexible and open to trying new things.

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