32 Things I Learned Last Year


1. Regardless of how yummy s/he looks, not every butch over 50 is dating material or a good rebound lay. 

2. Monosyllabic butches make fine flavors of the week.

3. Karma is indeed a bitch. 

4. I’m an uptight femme living in a fluid world. Is it me or lately everyone in the Butch-Femme community is dating anyone other than a butch or a femme?

5. Hitachi doesn’t have a customer service line set up for magic wand users. Shame on you, Hitachi! Shame on you!

6. To some, my IDing as a butch/stone butch loving femme equals oppressing transmen. Applying their logic, I oppress bio-males too because I don’t sleep with them, right? Bitch pleeze! 

7. To stay away from people who can’t be alone. Relationship or friendship wise, their inability to enjoy a good book, a movie, music, meditation or doing whatever they like to do on their down time often interrupts my ME time.

8. To pick my friends wisely. Loyalty is a foreign concept to many in the Butch-Femme community (at least in the circles I move in). I’m thankful for the few wonderful butches and femmes I call my friends. 

9. Life is great when you believe that it’s great.

10.  To take everything I hear with a grain of salt. Some people have too much free time, vivid imaginations, and ulterior motives.

11.  Not everyone is full of shit but full of shit people certainly know how to find me.

12.  Some femmes will throw other femmes under the bus without even thinking about it – especially if they are partnered and see you as a potential threat.

13.  To bite my tongue and not give a piece of my mind to said femmes. I just walk away and let it go.

14.  Some butches need Safe Sex 101 refreshers.

15.  Some butches hate seafood and pubic hairs.

16.  Manners make the butch.

17.  An asshole is an asshole is an asshole is an asshole. 75% of the times the bigger the paycheck, the bigger the asshole.

18.  That a butch is forgetful doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m forgettable. However, being with someone who either has juvenile Alzheimer’s or selective memory is a complete waste of time and energy and I simply won’t subject myself to it.

19.  I have a love/hate relationship with PDAs. Show me you like me the old fashioned way (holding hands, hugging, kissing, spooning, etc) and I’ll be happier than a fat kid locked overnight inside a candy store without parental supervision. Tell everyone how much you love me on Facebook, MySpace, twitter or your blog while ignoring me and I won’t be so happy. Furthermore, I will tell your online posse what a douche-bag you are in real life.

20.  To live without credit cards.

21.  Just when I thought I had heard it all, someone came up with some unbelievable new bullshit.

22.  I have even less tolerance I thought I had for cry babies. I may even get “Stop bitching about this and do something productive with your life” cards printed for the next time someone tries to talk my ear off without doing anything to solve her real or imaginary problems.

23.  Butches have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you come home and s/he doesn’t have on her strap, make her a sandwich (stolen from @studsvsfemmes).

24.  If a butch sounds crazy, s/he is crazy.

25.  You don’t get a butch – at least not She Who Shall Remain Nameless – by stroking her ego. You don’t get a butch by being her mother, maid, doctor, or therapist either – at least not my kind of butch.

26.  I’m going to be single for the rest of my fucking life!

27.  I love cats.

28.  To pick my battles and think twice before saying/texting/emailing something I may regret later. Not because somehow I’m now more empathetic or a better person, but simply out of laziness and not wanting to reduce my fuckeable butches pool.

29.  To leave it alone. “It” being anything from a butch who doesn’t give me the time of the day to a femme spreading rumors or another femme with Mother Theresa complex acting as if no one knew she cheated on her ex. At the end of the day, it’s just one less funeral to go to.

30.  To let them talk. 5 years from now those talking shit about me will be nowhere to be found. So if a butch or a femme wants to spread rumors about me they can go ahead: talk and make me famous.

31.  To cook some mean recipes on my new crock pot: Italian chicken, curried chicken, Schezuan chicken… See a trend there? 2011 is The Year of the Beef!

32.  I’m tired of being strong all the time.

So, what did YOU learn last year?

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7 thoughts on “32 Things I Learned Last Year

  1. SapphireDiva says:

    1. I learned that being alone is MUCH preferable to being in an unhappy relationship with a neurotic, selfish bitch who loves her dog much more than she loves you.

    2. I learned that the love I’m looking for could very well simply not exist, and I may have to accept and be content being single the rest of my life too. Therefore I need to concentrate on loving myself, my son, my family and my friends.

    It’s not 32 things, but these two were pretty big ones! Peace.

  2. BarbRyan says:

    This is a great list. The sad thing is that some of them are a universal facts, such as #4 and #12.

    What did I learn last year?
    1. You can’t fight who you are, even if you want to or it seems easier to become/be someone else.
    2. Just because you’re okay with being a Lesbian, doesn’t mean everyone else is, especially your family.
    3. It is fun to tease those who are uncomfortable with it (just a little).
    4. There are some obstacles that can’t be beaten by anything, including love. You just have to cut your losses and move forward.

    • María Lapachet says:

      I’ve approved and am replying via berry. Not sure if your comment and my response will pop up LOL Thanks for stopping by and leaving a note. In my case your # 2 would be something like: “just because you’re ok with being a femme doesn’t mean that everyone else is.” It’s not even my family. It’s lesbians in general. Sad. I LOVE your # 4!

      • BarbRyan says:

        You have a great point about other Lesbians being comfy with Femmes. Down here, most people don’t even know Femmes exist, let alone who we are. To most people, if you look the least bit feminine, you’re straight.

        I am trying to be good and accept #4 completely, even though you know I still want her. So, I do still have my moments on that. You know, I realized it after I stopped hearing from her.

        I need to learn to embrace the single life and move past all the stuff on my plate right now. I am not happy with me and where I am at. My life’s not “clicking” right now, like it did in the past. What do they say – tough times don’t last, but tough people do, right?

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