How To Spot A Slob

Especially during the first 6 weeks to 6 months of a new relationship when butches/stone butches are supposed to be on their best behavior, if you see two or more of the below in the same butch, RUN girl, RUN. Run away as fast as you can and don’t look back!

– You don’t know what her hair really looks like because s/he never takes off her baseball cap, bandana or do rag.

– All of her clothes are stained or have holes in them but s/he sees nothing wrong with it: (a) s/he doesn’t differentiate between every day clothes, clothes to wear around the house, and clothes to wear on a date; (b) s/he loves to remind you that people only care about the inside, not about what s/he’s wearing; (c) s/he also loves to tell you that not everyone can be a metrosexual butch like, you know, your ex.

– S/he puts off doing laundry, sprays her boxers with Febreze, puts them on inside out so s/he can wear them an extra day… and s/he tells you about it! I can understand doing it but how stupid does a butch have to be to tell it to her date? Hello?!

– S/he either doesn’t have time or is too lazy to do her laundry so s/he puts dirty laundry in the dryer with some dryer sheets to freshen them up.

– Her car is a mess: (a) it smells as if someone died in there 2 years ago and their body is still in the trunk, (b) you have to take sticky burrito wrappers off of the copilot seat to be able to sit down, and (c) s/he can’t find anything inside because the floor and back seat are covered with empty plastic bags, her gym bag, a bag with dirty clothes, loose socks, CDs, empty CD cases, iPod, maps, books, Dunkin Donuts napkins, and an array of fast food wrappers.

– Her house is a bigger mess: (a) it smells like shit and looks almost as bad as the houses on A&E’s Hoarders, (b) there’s an inch of dust covering her furniture, TV, and computer, (c) s/he has empty bottles and pizza boxes everywhere, there’s no room for you to sit on the couches, and (d) the walls need a coat of paint and the fridge has mold inside. Granted, some of us are renting and have no say on the paint or the fridge, but that’s not an excuse to not clean the fridge shelves!

– Her cats look like feral cats (long nails, overgrown hair, and crazy eyes) and s/he tells you that you are crazy for suggesting s/he takes them to the vet or clip their nails and trims their hair herself.

– There’s cat food, vomit, and feces on the floor all over her place.

– There’s moldy spaghetti on her kitchen floor – cooked who knows how long ago and never picked up. Her sink has 2 weeks worth of dishes piled up.

– The first night at her place you get in bed and you feel breadcrumbs, finger nails, cat hairs and who knows what else at your feet – under the sheets!

– S/he keeps her sex toys loose under the bed, directly on the floor. Her magic wand has a 1/2 inch coat of cat hair, dust, and dry lube.

– Her butch cock is covered with cat hair and what not, but s/he doesn’t think you will need to use condoms or boil the cock before having sex.

– After sex s/he gives you an old, stained, and stiff hand towel so that you can clean yourself.

– You go take a shower and see that the tub is filled with dishes. S/he explains s/he put them in the tub to soak over the weekend because s/he didn’t do dishes for a week and now everything is stuck really hard on the pots and pans and needs a good soak to loosen it up. So how are you supposed to shower? Or s/he doesn’t want you to shower all weekend?

– S/he has a capless and ratty 4 year old toothbrush near her faucet. S/he gives you a funny look when you suggest s/he replaces the toothbrush every 3 or 4 months and gets a Zapi UV toothbrush sanitizer. No, silly, s/he was not giving you a funny look because you sounded like her mother when you said “normal people replace their toothbrushes…” S/he gave you a funny look because, if s/he puts a cap on the toothbrush, then her kitties won’t be able to lick it and they are addicted to her toothpaste.

If you are a single butch/stone butch who lives happy with any or all of the above, more power to you. But, seriously dude, if you want to have a sex life, how can you think it’s ok to make a femme sleep on your dirty sheets? Even if you weren’t counting on getting lucky and going back home with a femme, there’s nothing wrong with saying you need to change the sheets before having sex. Please: change the freaking sheets!!!

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5 thoughts on “How To Spot A Slob

  1. “… if you see two or more of the below in the same butch, RUN girl, RUN.”

    One is more than enough in anyone, butch, femme or otherwise!

    I’ve a horrible sense that this post is based on experience 😦 Hope you encounter a pleasingly non-slobby butch soon.

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