A friend just asked me if I know my way around a Samsung Mesmerize (I think it’s an iPhone, I may be wrong) to see if her butch is cheating on her. I must be the only lesbian without an iPhone so I don’t know how to spy on my friend’s butch. I don’t understand why my friend puts up with that shit. Regardless of whether her butch cheats on her or not, when the trust is gone, the trust is gone. Why be with someone whose behavior makes you think s/he’s cheating? There’s something obviously wrong with that picture.
Another friend makes all sorts of excuses to cover up for her butch’s hitting her. When s/he’s not hitting my friend, s/he’s verbally abusing her, and, when s/he’s not verbally abusing her, s/he’s throwing the first thing s/he finds (an iron, the DVD player, shoes… you get the picture) at her. My friend says she’s not going to throw away a 6 year relationship and that things will go back to normal once the butch settles in at her new job. I don’t care if you’ve been married 20 years and the butch is the President of the United States of America. There’s no excuse for domestic violence. Period.
Another friend tells me she’s fed up with her butch’s chatting with other women on Facebook. They talked about it months ago, my friend thought her butch had stopped doing it, but s/he kept doing it behind her back. Furthermore, the butch is PMing other femmes on the Butch Femme Matchmaker. My friend thinks it’s ok to give her another chance. Another chance to do what? To keep dating you while s/he looks for a plan B in case things between you two don’t work out? To leave you as soon as s/he finds someone better? Girl, cut your losses and get a magic wand!
A femme I know gets aggravated because no matter how many times she asks, her partner never does anything around the house despite being a stay-at-home butch. Cooking, dusting, vacuuming, the laundry… it’s the femme who ends up doing those things in the evening after work or during the weekend. The femme also has to remind the butch about her doctor’s appointments and do her taxes for her. I repeat: this is a stay-at-home butch. What is s/he doing all day?! They don’t even have sex anymore so I don’t get what the femme is getting out of that relationship.
What’s going on in the Butch-Femme world? Am I the only one who puts her foot down? Am I the only one who doesn’t want a butch to slow her down? Any amount of time spent with the above butches is wasted time. Most of my friends want it all – a career, kids, and sometimes marriage. How can you think about having a career or kids when your full time job is spying on your butch, babysitting her or tiptoeing around her so that s/he doesn’t hit you? What’s so scary about being single? What lies do these femmes tell themselves to keep themselves locked in those situations? Don’t get me wrong – I learned to not give too many chances the hard way. Everyone knows I’ve dated idiots that one should run away from as soon as she sees them coming. In my defense I must say that, as a writer, I always see a story till the end. As fucked up as it sounds, I knew they were idiots and I gave them enough rope to hang themselves proving me right. What can I say? Lesbian drama makes great writing material!
I asked my friends: “when is enough, enough?” One told me: “you don’t understand because you are single,” throwing that “single” out there as if being single was a terminal disease. Another one said: “when you are in a relationship you compromise.” Compromise. Nice word. Since when is “compromising” a synonym of “being a spineless doormat that lets a butch cheat on you”? Shouldn’t compromise be a two-way street?
A Femme in NYC 
The key is maintaining one’s sense of self even while engaged in a relationship with someone. This gives one the ability to gauge when things are unacceptable and it’s time to cut one’s losses. Totally with you on the domestic violence and cheating/shopping items. The unhelpful stay-at-home case, while it does give onlookers serious pause I’d say, would require more info before I’d even try to form an opinion. Are we talking someone suffering from serious mental illness? And while it would be WONDERFUL if the hard working femme came home to various domestic chores having been seen to and able to relax and recharge instead of running around doing more work, I can see that there might be things in the relationship that make it worthwhile to her. That one … well, seems more complex. Where hearts are engaged and active, even those things that seem so clear and obvious (e.g., domestic violence = unacceptable = over) can take a lot of effort and work to reach. I wish all the femmes you’ve written about the empowerment and strength to do what they need to do about their situations!
Oh: And the word “single” should NEVER be bandied about in such a way as to imply that it impairs a woman’s awareness, clarity or insight. Single friends frequently have the gift of objectivity people who are coupled lack, especially about the objects of their affections! Plus: If I can’t have a healthy relationship, single is always a marvelous liberating option.
This blathering brought to you by pilgrimpoet. Have a grand day! :D:D:D
Great comment. Thanks for sharing 🙂
I love this post. It’s probably one of my faves so far. I think compromise has turned into sacrifice. Before you know it, there’s so much taking that giving goes out the window. We all have been there. Afraid to be alone, so we stick it out and try to make it work. We use excuses like a good lesbian is hard to find. It’s stress. It will pass. One thing I find always holds true, only the person in the relationship can say when they’ve had enough. They have to find their own truth. The most difficult part for the friend, is being supportive while the mistreated friend is trying to find that time. Love should never hurt. Great read!
Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. I agree on all you wrote. As a friend is VERY hard for me not to step in when my friends are being mistreated. I always give them my 2 cents and tell them I’m going to love them no matter what (even if they don’t get out or get back with a cheater). In the domestic violence situation I’ve pushed her a little in AVP’s direction (http://www.avp.org/) so that at least she knows her options. In the case of that acquaintance keeping a good-for-nothing butch (she doesn’t help around the house and she doesn’t give her any… you tell me how that can be a win-win situation), I’ve kept my mouth shut – popcorn please!