Flaca or “I Just Met another Asshole”

Newsflash for single butches: if you want to get into some femme’s pants, do not tell her she is fat. I thought this was common knowledge but apparently not everyone got the memo.

At this month’s NYC Butch Femme Social I met a new butch who rubbed me the wrong way from the get go. She talked and moved like a wannabe ex who has no filter, doesn’t think before opening her mouth, and thinks the world is against her. I don’t remember what we were talking about when she blurted: “You are not flaca.” “Flaca” is Spanish for “skinny.” No shit, Sherlock! I’m X number of pounds overweight and my bra is a size 36G – which means butches love my tits but I feel like the tobacconists in Federico Fellini’s Amarcord or Eloy de la Iglesia’s La Estanquera De Vallecas (specially when I’m PMSing). I jokingly asked her: “Are you calling me fat?” and she responded that I look nothing like my Facebook profile picture (since when is Facebook a butch femme matchmaker?), that in that picture I’m flat and in real life I’m curvy, and she likes curvy women. The picture she’s talking about is one of me taken during the Pride March last year. I marched with the Butch Femme Society and anyone who was there that day can tell you that I looked anything but “flat” and “skinny.”

At that point I didn’t need an apology because I had taken no offense to what she said. Based on what had come out of her mouth since she got to the Cubby Hole and the “flaca” faux pas, I thought she probably had a brain injury, ADD or some other disorder/syndrome – which obviously doesn’t condone her being an asshole but would explain why she comes across as not being right in the head. If she wasn’t drinking, I would have thought she was in recovery (most of my AA friends have no filter either and I love them regardless). Being Miss Let Me Give You My 2 Cents and knowing she just got out of a relationship, I told her that when talking to other femmes, she needs to word things a little differently. If she likes curvy women and she thinks a femme is hot, she needs to say it like that: “I like curvy women and I think you are hot.” “You are not flaca” can’t by any means be interpreted as a compliment. She flipped out. She said she is who she is and she’s not going to change for anyone, told me she wasn’t calling me fat, I told her I knew that, and I explained that I was just saying that femmes in general don’t like being called fat. She then had the balls to tell me I’m too sensitive (excuse me?!).

I got so aggravated that I left Cubby for a few minutes “to make a phone call.” When I came back she kept going at it, repeating she is who she is, a straight shooter, she tells things as they are and whoever doesn’t like it can go the other way… She started talking about her weight loss battle, losing X amount of pounds, gaining 10 back, and having an eating disorder. So let’s see if I got this right: I’m fat, I’m too sensitive, and because you have an eating disorder I have one too? I told her to change the subject because she was digging her own grave deeper but she kept going on and on and on. She said she is Jewish Italian, she has a big mouth, and she can’t help it. Well I know Jewish butches and I know Italian-American butches and none of them are assholes. It must be the combination of both, right?

That’s when I zoned her out. As the femme co-host of the NYC Butch Femme Socials I think that my “job” is to make sure everyone feels welcome and leaves happy. I also try to be on my best behavior. That’s why I didn’t rip her a new ass hole right then and there. A mutual acquaintance told me she wasn’t calling me fat, she was complimenting me. I got that part. What I didn’t like is the part where she snapped at me and kept rambling. The more I think about it, the angrier I get. The same acquaintance confirmed that she does indeed have ADD or ADHD. I’m choosing to publish this post because ADD and non ADD butches need to think twice before they open their mouths. And, like I said before, having a brain injury, ADD, ADHD or some sort of disorder/syndrome doesn’t mean you get a free pass to be an asshole – at least not with me.

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14 thoughts on “Flaca

  1. “Having a brain injury … doesn’t mean you get a free pass to be an asshole.” LOL. Maria, you’re tough. 😉 Love your blog. And thank you for calling out rudeness. It’s just totally insulting, rude, and antifeminist (yes, butches are expected to be feminists too) for a butch to comment on a femme’s body as a getting-to-know-you conversation technique. god.

    1. Thanks Robin! I guess I should come with a warning label LOL Butches who say: “OMG you’re so hot” 7,000 times also unnerve me (are they butches or parrots?). I may start walking around with a 2×4 and “butches are expected to be feminists too” postcards 😀

  2. oh my…poor boi. i hope one day he looks back on that moment as life changing…cause it was just not right. ever. ugh.

  3. If she truly has ADD or ADHD then she should be proactive and learn coping skills and take meds if needed. She also shouldn’t be drinking. The last thing a person with no filter and no impulse control needs is alcohol. I know plenty of children and adults with ADD/ADHD who know how to behave socially and would never blurt those things out. Your feeling about her is valid. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Nobody puts Maria in a corner!

    1. I don’t know if she’s on meds. If she is, they’re not working LOL Seeing and listening to her rambling was like bad déjà vu – creeped me out! And yes! No one puts me in a corner unless I want to 😉 You know I’m a sick puppy.

  4. Two postcards, actually:
    “Yes, butches are expected to be feminists too.” ~ Miss Robin
    “Nobody puts Maria in a corner.” ~ Unndunn
    I do believe we need to order a couple of batches right away!
    Seriously, in the butch-femme community, some folks truly need to learn to add a whole lot more care and attention to their words and interactions with others. There is no excuse for rude, thoughtless behavior. Or spilling out one’s entire autobiography in one sitting (yes, I’ve done that, but not because a hot date was slipping through my fingers, just because I’m one of those recovering folks you mentioned, and proud of it; but learning that it’s not really the wisest thing to do).
    Chiquitita, do keep on doing the socials you do so well; it is good for peeps in the community to have opportunities to meet each other and socialize! Someday I might even find myself bopping through the Village with my girlfriend on a Sunday afternoon and join you again. Until then: Carry on! 😀

  5. Omg.. ughly behavior. I really don’t like the idea that being butch is permission to be sexist and chauvinistic and generally assholish… In fact, I’m hoping to do a session at Butch Voices on that topic.

    Sounds like you did a heroic job not reaming that butch a new one. Keep up the good work.

    1. Thanks Kyle. Are you talking about Oakland’s Butch Voices or the NYC edition? Feel free to use any of the horror stories in this blog (more “butches to stay away from” coming up next month).

  6. I have found that most people who claim that they are “straight shooters” are crass, rude & lack any sort of tact or sense of decorum. They perceive themselves as being “brutally honest,” when in fact they are socially inept. You’re far more kind than me… after the “you’re not flaca” comment, I would have not wasted anymore time in conversation with someone so simple minded.

  7. OMG! Where the fuck do these people crawl out from?
    With dudes like this running around, I should be the most confident
    feminist-transbutch on the planet!

    Sorry you ran into this one, Hermanita

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