Let Go Of Toxic People


Spring cleaning is not only for closets! Though time consuming and sometimes very painful, at least once a year I sit down and evaluate where my relationships are going. I don’t know you, but for me it’s hard to be happy if I surround myself with toxic friends or acquaintances who take away my time and drain my energy levels. Do I sound like a self-help book yet?

I’m talking about people** like:

– The one who hasn’t left high school. She thrives on gossip and drama. The first thing that will come out of her mouth is: “let’s be friends!” Be very afraid when she asks you to tell her something you haven’t told anyone else, a secret to treasure, something only you two will know. She will either immediately tell everyone she knows on both coasts or save it for a later date, when she can throw it on your face or use it against you if you decide it’s time to end that friendship.

– The one who trashes her best friend. Your new bestie tells you all about her best friend in the world – they’ve been friends forever and she doesn’t understand why she moved out to Westchester, why she’s dating a transguy or why she’s married to a total witch, why she doesn’t discipline her own children, why she wants to lose weight… Watch out for this one because if she talks about her best friend like that, imagine what she is saying about you behind your back.

– The emotional blackmailer. Borderline stalker, she doesn’t have time for you but as soon as you make it clear that you don’t want to be her friend she starts sending you sappy “from back when I thought you were my friend” emails and lists of all the things she did for you. You must take the same no contact approach that you’d take with a stalker i.e. do not pick up the phone and do not reply to her emails. Doing so will only start a new cycle of abuse and/or more “rubbing this on your ungrateful face” emails.

– The user. She only calls you when she needs something – a ride, a freebie (what’s up with people thinking they can abuse their freelancer friends?), someone to take professional head shots of her and write her matchmaker profile, someone to do viral marketing for her to help promote her or her lover’s latest business venture… then disappears.

– The one upper. She is an attention seeker who gets some type of pleasure out of being one up on you. If you buy a new handbag, she buys three. If you go for a graduate degree, she points out she has two undergraduates, two graduates, two masters and three PhDs. If you mention that someone you know may have cancer, she says she has had a double mastectomy and is now going for radiation for a brain tumor.

– The fire instigator. Someone who lives on Facebook, butch-femme.com or any of the new butch femme boards and likes to play both people in an argument against each other. She leaves rep points for each person and sends private messages telling both of them that she is on their side.

– The two faced one. The so-called friend who (a) tells you she can’t stand X femme but makes one-on-one lunch plans with her or (b) tells you that you deserve much better than X butch but as soon as you break up with her she’s calling or emailing that butch to offer her a shoulder to cry on. Of course, if you call her on her shit she will tell you she never told you she didn’t like that femme or that butch because not only is she a two faced snake, she also has selective memory!

– The snitch. Not only will she propagate information that you don’t want to be shared outside of your closest group of friends on, let’s say, Facebook, but she will also isolate you. Rightfully mad because someone is feeding info about you to a stalker, you will cut people out of your life without talking to them first. Soon your only friend will be none other than the snitch – whom you trust dearly – and it will drive you crazy not knowing how your stalker still knows about your business.

– The mind reader. She hardly knows you but she knows what’s best for you. When she hears you dumped your loser of a boyfriend/girlfriend, she feels entitled to tell you that your ex is deeply in love with you, you could not ask for a more loyal and dedicated butch/stone butch, and you should take them back ASAP. As if!

– The one who has seen one too many movies. She will feel you out to see what type of person you are (especially what moves you) and will tell you some story accordingly. For instance, if you volunteer for RAINN and have a Chilean connection, she will tell you a story that sounds suspiciously similar to the plots of The Accused, Missing, and Casa de los Babys.

– The delusional. From the one who thinks older femmes are jealous because she gets all the butches in their age range’s attention to the one who thinks s/he is a great Daddy without forgetting the one who thinks her practice will be an overnight sensation without putting any effort in… they need someone to encourage their delusions. When you try to make them face reality they will tell you that you don’t know what you are talking about or you are being oh so mean.

– The self-absorbed. When you make plans, you always do what s/he wants to do. Her job and love life are your only topics of conversation. If you are having a bad day, s/he will minimize your feelings and make the conversation go back to her. S/he’s always in the middle of a crisis and urgently needs your opinion/help but never does anything you suggest or take any steps to get out of the mess s/he is in.

– The one who is chronically broke. Despite having a well paying job, s/he hasn’t paid off her student loans and doesn’t bother in paying her credit card bills. S/he always needs money for gas, rent, clothes, food… and you, being the good friend you are, lend her money that you need – yes, that’s right: you go without buying this or that so that your friend can pay her bills – only to find out that s/he got tickets for Lady Gaga or booked a romantic weekend getaway to surprise her girlfriend.

– The hipster wannabe. Always on the look for the latest trend, she only likes you while you are new and exotic and she can parade you around as her new finding. Maybe it’s your accent. Maybe it’s your ethnicity or country of origin. Maybe it’s the fact that you are a writer, musician, painter or comedian. Maybe you are into politics or involved with some trendy cause (fat positivism, LGBT domestic violence awareness, AIDS Walk, etc). She will use and abuse you and be out of your life before you know it because she will have moved onto someone cooler.

– The partnered matchmaker. At first her constant attempts at being your matchmaker were a fun way for her to live vicariously through you. Then the frequency of the blind dates and that the butches weren’t even your type got annoying. Chances are she wants you “taken” to reduce her competition.

** mostly femmes, thus the lack of “s/he” you can see in other posts.

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3 thoughts on “Let Go Of Toxic People

  1. Femme Fairy Godmother says:

    *eyeroll* as if older femmes truly feel threatened by younger women outside of Hollywood. Really? Because young is young and you can’t compete with it. But older is older and young definitely can’t compete with THAT. And also? Why are we competing? People are attracted to whom they are attracted and that’s that. So, there’s the mild rant du jour.

    • María Lapachet says:

      Thanks for your comments. It’s funny that you automatically assumed it’s a young femme versus an old one. In this case, both are ladies well into their 50s which seen from the outside is sad and “pass me the popcorn” kind of hilarious 😀 IMO age-related insecurities and jealousy do exist in our community. It shouldn’t, but it does. May blog about it at some point.

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