1. The U-Haul type. She leaves her toothbrush and a t-shirt behind the first time she spends the night at your place and asks you to clean some drawers for her on the second date. She will look at you as if you had seven heads when you tell her you don’t want her to have any of her things at your place.
2. The one who’s running away from something. Although we may be biologically programmed to love u-Hauls, it is still not too normal to meet someone and move in with her within two weeks. Especially if the person has a track record of doing the same thing. She may not like her Bronx apartment, she may not have too many friends, she may feel the butch-femme community where she has lived till she met you does not welcome her, or she may not like a part of her body. She thinks she loves you but in reality she just wants a new life and you are the one who is going to make it happen.
3. The one who says I love you because she is bored. She is a walking case of bad timing. She says she loves you either too soon in the relationship (2 days after meeting you, before you even sleep together or simply when you are not even sure you like her) or while she’s driving or watching TV (i.e. just to fill empty space because she’s petrified of silence).
4. The moron who uses big words. Granted, her Hallmark cards and handwritten notes wet your panties but deep down you know the truth: it’s all façade. She’s just an asshole trying to impress you too hard and overcompensating for dropping out of college.
5. The irresponsible pet parent. She claims she loves her cats but she doesn’t groom them and doesn’t clean their litter as often as she should. She doesn’t believe in vaccines, thinks indoor cats don’t need antiflea treatments, and refuses to give them antidepressants even though the vet prescribed them. She won’t put her terminal cat down regardless of how much pain she is in and she won’t make his/her final days easier either; she won’t buy painkillers for him/her because she doesn’t want a groggy cat.
6. The free loader. Butches often complain about femmes being with them for their money but they are quite the freeloaders themselves. Beware of a butch who expects you to pay for everything (and I mean e-very-thing: breakfast, lunch, dinner, groceries, laundromat, movie tickets, tolls and parking fees…) or asks you if she can stay in your apartment for a couple of nights that turn into 5 rent-free months. I mean, if you wanted to have a child you would give birth or adopt one, right?
7. The paranoid. She thinks everyone is talking about her behind her back because they are jealous of her. She accuses a femme/butch of talking shit, making people believe she’s evil, and isolating her. Her favorite topic of conversation is said femme/butch and how mean everyone is to her.
8. The cheap one. Being frugal is ok and a must in this economy. Not turning the car’s AC on when it is 102F outside to save gas or take you on a coffee date so that she only spends $10 – $20 in “coffee and chocolate things” qualifies as being cheaper than dirt. Oh yes: I’m really traumatized with the coffee date thing. No coffee dates for me!
9. The one who sends mixed signals. She plans a fun packed summer for both of you, spends quality time with your children, gives you the keys to her apartment, texts you nonstop while you are out with your femme posse… but is always busy when you need her, doesn’t have time to meet your friends, withholds sex, and says she is not ready for a relationship.
10. The one that doesn’t voice verify. You’ve met someone online. She’s emailed and texted you a few times, asked you out, and kept telling you she’s away so she can’t call you (where is she? In outer space?). If you call her, it always goes to her voicemail. She is either married or playing the field. Playing the field can mean two things (a) she’s a butch dating several women at the same time and has you on the back burner (b) she’s not even dating them – she loves the attention because she’s a narcissist bordering pathology.
11. The one nobody likes. Not talking about looks but personality here. If all of your friends and acquaintances have valid reasons to not like the butch you like, there must be something wrong with her. Something you can’t see because you are infatuated or – even worse – your Mother Theresa instinct has kicked in and you believe you can “change her.”
12. The one who sounds crazy. For some reason she believes you will find her mysterious, cute, and irresistible if she tells you (a) that she’s on a FBI watch list while covering her mouth with a hat so that no one can read her lips to avoid getting you into any trouble, (b) that she’s been told should be taking prescription meds because she was diagnosed as bipolar but she doesn’t need them, she knows better than the doctors, she’s very creative and prescription drugs kill her mojo, or (c) that she leaves all her decisions to her cat and/or higher power. While these types normally make great characters and are very attractive to writers, RUN. Run away as fast as you can!
13. The Casanova/Houdini mix. A butch or stone butch who plays the field, disappears without prior warning, and reappears some time down the road asking why you dropped off the face of the earth is equally annoying and hilarious. Do you waste time and energy telling her that femmes in your area now know she likes sending the exact same text message or email to a few femmes at the same time? Do you remind her it was she who disappeared? Or do you just leave it alone since she’s not really your type and chances are you won’t see her again?
14. The egomaniac. You haven’t seen each other in years and the first thing she asks is if anyone in your circle has been talking about her. You know, because you don’t have anything better to do than keep track of gossip and what people may or may not be saying about her!
15. The technologically challenged. She needs your help to attach a Word document to an email, would appreciate if you wrote her profile for a matchmaker, and needs you to help her find the best matchmaker since she is new to the internet and all of that. She would be eternally grateful if you took her picture and uploaded to the internet. That very same butch spends hours every night chatting up lesbians from all over the world and already has active profiles in every gay and straight matchmaker you’ve heard of and then some.
16. The chameleon. Her basic story line remains the same but she changes pieces of information depending on who is listening. She does not realize that sooner or later you will get together with your friends, compare notes and catch her in her lies. Only you can decide if you want to call her on her shit or give her enough rope to hang herself.
17. The one with emotional ADD. She asks everything that moves out on a date, (sometimes even friends, sometimes at the same time) fully aware of that femmes talk to each other, but she can’t control herself. She tells you she loves you like other people say “the weather is nice today” (i.e. without meaning it, just to fill empty space). She is afraid of silence – her TV or radio must be on 24/7. If her roommate or you aren’t around when she gets home, she will get on Facebook or into any lesbian chatrooms to avoid being alone. She doesn’t see anything wrong in exchanging racy pics with lesbians from all over the world while in a relationship – again, she needs to fill the time she spends alone.
18. The one with selective memory. Currently under medical examination because the world’s best scientists can’t figure out how she remembers all 1970s Yankees scores but can’t remember a conversation you two had last night. Constant repetition and any sort of reminders (post it notes, emails, voice messages) don’t work with her. So if you don’t want to feel like you are in a relationship with someone who has Alzheimer’s, don’t waste your time.
19. The one who lives for tomorrow. Tomorrow she’s gonna start looking for a new apartment. Tomorrow she’s gonna start looking for a new job. Tomorrow she’s gonna start networking to find new clients. Tomorrow she’s gonna finish reading that book 3 weeks overdue at the library. Tomorrow she’s gonna take her cats to the vet. Tomorrow she’s gonna get a refill for her antidepressants. Tomorrow she’s gonna create a Facebook fan page for her business. Tomorrow she’s gonna start a new diet. Tomorrow was 2 years ago and things haven’t changed.
20. The tacky one. Two butches posturing, a butch who calls herself a “gentleman” but plays with a toothpick after every meal, a butch namedropping to impress a femme, a butch calling her ex asking for the name of the hotel they stayed at in Las Vegas because she wants to take her new girlfriend there… is all bad. It can’t get tackier and worst than selling raffle tickets while at a memorial service.
21. The one who needs a wingman. There’s nothing wrong with asking your friends to help you meet new femmes. However, it is NOT ok to make fun of your wingman in front of femmes thinking that belittling her will make you more cool and desirable. A butch who puts down their friends is a fast turn off for most femmes.
22. The pushover wingman. When there’s true butch love and a bond between two butches, hanging out with a butch and her wingman can be lots of fun. But it’s not so cool to see a shy, quiet, pathetic wingman being abused by a so-called “friend.” For example: a femme says she has plans to go to a concert with her main squeeze and if she’s not in town she will find someone else. A butch who has been listening looks at her butch friend and tells the femme: “oh she can take you.” The femme is left thinking: “does she think I don’t have friends or know people to go to a concert with if my main squeeze is not in town? Doesn’t the friend have a mouth?” and feeling like a piece of meat that can be pushed onto some unwilling butch. And, of course, maybe the butch who volunteered her friend would really want to go with the femme but doesn’t have the balls to say so on the first place.
23. The pushover who doesn’t have her priorities straight. You come after her parents, roommate, coworkers, friends, work, favorite sport, gym, and a long list of etceteras. She is a people pleaser who hasn’t really grown up. She can’t make her own decisions. She is constantly on the phone with or at her parents’ house. If her parents are deceased, she leaves all decisions to her siblings, friends or roommates. Don’t settle for less. Don’t put up with being the last item on her priority list. As the saying goes “never make someone a priority when you are just an option.”
24. The sexually inhibited type. She claims to have no sexual fantasies. You slowly pull some out of her as if you were pulling teeth. When you give her free pass to ask you to do anything she wants – something most butches would use for you to be their French maid, slut or whatever for the night – she wants you to be Xena Warrior Princes. Are you supposed to do cartwheels in front of the bed? Yell while you jump on her? Please don’t do anything adventurous or out of the ordinary to this type of butch (golden shower anyone?) because she will mistakenly believe you are The One and she won’t want to let you go.
25. The one that can’t let go. You dated briefly and it didn’t work out. She has a new girlfriend and tells everyone how happy she is with her new girl and with the fact of that you two can be friends. What she doesn’t disclose so happily is that she calls you every freaking day with every excuse she can think of dropping little things like “oh I wish you gave me another chance,” “I wish things had worked out between us,” “I wish you could meet my family, they’d love you,” “I wish we did more things together, you are so fun to be around,” “my friend from Florida is coming and I wished you could show us around – you are the best,” and “I wish we could still be together, I miss you.”