1. The one that goes apeshit on you and then pretends things are peachy. For instance, she tries to asphyxiate you in the laundromat parking lot because you dared to be on the phone with your ex and, 2 hours after trying to kill you and publicly humiliating you, she calls to see if you are still taking her to Ikea and helping her choose a new sofa.
2. The clingy type. Can’t stand her butch to have femme friends. It’s 2011. It is perfectly normal and safe for a butch to have femme friends. All a butch is going to do when her femme is not around is have fun with her friends or vent if they are having problems. There are still femmes left out there who respect private property so, if you are the clingy type, chillax!
3. The one who not so secretly wishes she was dating a femme. If you are getting a manicure or pedicure, she will push femmish colors on you. She will suggest a femmish haircut or that you let your hair grow to be more feminine. She will keep bringing you clothes that don’t match your gender orientation to the fitting room for you to try them on and she will throw a fit if you don’t buy more femmish clothes. If you ask her, she may even tell you she doesn’t want to be seen talking to a butch. Run, baby, RUN!
4. The uptight and mean type. She doesn’t want to plan anything with your friends because she needs to be in bed by 10 pm and expects you to get on her schedule. Whether on purpose or not, everything that comes out of her mouth is negative or intended to put people down. She walks around pretending she hasn’t seen one of your friends to avoid a quick “hi,” then tells you she wonders why your friends don’t like her. If you want to have a social life, stay away from this one.
5. The real lady. She loves to remind people that she is a classy lady. “Classy” as in “I will give you a ladylike middle finger or spit on your food because that’s what ladies do” or “I’m going to put an ad up on Craigslist saying I’m looking for butch gentlemen but I’ll make sure to include a photo of my tits or two straight porn actresses licking each other.”
6. The poly who gives you freedom to date/fuck/play with the butch/femme of HER choosing. Of course, she always picks someone who is not really your type and who you wouldn’t be caught dead sleeping with.
7. The one your mother loves. She loves her so much that when you two break up your mother tells you to never bring another woman into her house and keeps inviting her to all family gatherings and holidays regardless of whether you’ll be going.
8. The one with a plan to make things better. You keep having fights and she refuses to go to couples therapy. Instead, she tells you she wants you to buy her a new car or fake boobs, to get married, to have kids, a new house… all those things are temporary fixes that won’t solve any of your problems. Get out NOW and get individual therapy for yourself.
9. The self-deprecating one. When you met her you thought she was either being modest or fishing for compliments but soon you realized she has deep issues. She doesn’t like her thighs. She doesn’t like her hair. She doesn’t like her wrinkles… Do you know how much reassurance someone with low self-esteem needs? Don’t waste your time suggesting therapy. Just avoid her and move on with your life.
10. The one who doesn’t respect your past. She wants you to get rid of any pictures of your ex that you may have boxed under the sofa or in the basement yet she can have pics of her exes or her baby’s daddy everywhere around her apartment. Her past seems to be sacred while yours does not need to exist because you must focus on now and the relationship she wants to build with you.
11. The one who lives on the internet. There are few things worse than being on a date with someone who won’t shut up about all her online shit (butch-femme.com or FABU East related gossip, Farmville, Mafia Wars…). It makes one want to hit them on the forehead and say: “hello? You are out on a date in the real world, let the internet bullshit go for a night.”
12. The damage controller. Out of the blue she sends you a really nice long email about how good she is and there, almost at the end, like the small print in a contract or lease, you see what she is really emailing you about. She wants to know if you’ve told other people how drunk she got the last time you were out partying or find out if you are mad at her because – oopsie! – five months ago when you started dating were led to believe you two were exclusive she forgot to mention that she is seeing other butches.
13. The commitment phobic. If you tell your femme you love her and she responds: “thank you,” you may want to reconsider where your relationship is going.
14. The one who has a secret… YOU! If your femme only wants to be with you behind closed doors you may want to reevaluate where your relationship is heading ASAP. She is either taken (see first post on femmes to stay away from) or bi-curious. If you are in New York, she can also be one of those 5th Avenue married lesbians who enjoy the privileges of a heterosexual marriage and will never leave their husbands.
15. The straight chick. Do I really need to explain this one? Why do butches have that fascination/obsession with straight women?
16. The doormat. You thought it was love at first sight and asked her to move in with you. She left her job, family and friends for you. She caught you cheating. She has no money, no friends, and no way out so she stays with you. She wants to believe it is love. Do her and yourself a favor: help her get back on her feet and get out as soon as she can. If she’s the love of your life, at least make sure she doesn’t take it out on the other femmes.
17. The one that can’t let go. You dumped her sorry ass and she is now begging you to take her back and harassing your friends, coworkers, and acquaintances on Facebook, MySpace, and twitter trying to find out if you are seeing someone new.
And last but not least The Gold Digger. I’m reticent to include this type of femme but I am doing so because I have a few butch friends who have complained about femmes who take, take, and take. Newsflash: a femme isn’t born a gold digger. That behavior is learned and encouraged. Just as a femme can stand on her own two feet and support herself, if not guided in the right direction, she can learn to depend on a butch when all she needs is herself. Food for thought: if during your courtship you don’t establish some limits, if you get a rush playing the big spender/generous butch in shining armor who always pays for everything, don’t be surprised if 6-12 months down the road when you move in together she expects you to carry the house expenses, pay for all extras, and for her every wish while she saves all her money. If you had set some limits from the beginning or had a money talk before you moved in together, then you wouldn’t have to bitch to your friends about your girlfriend/ex girlfriend being a gold-digger. Just saying.