Wannabes And Women With Weird Complexes


More Butches and Femmes To Stay Away From

– The Beauty Pageant Wannabe. A toddler dressed like a Vegas showgirl and posing like a Playboy bunny? Creepy but still cute to some degree. A 50 year old femme channeling Toddlers and Tiaras and looking like a 5 year old who has been playing with her mother’s makeup? Creepy and definitely not cute.

– The Bukowski wannabe. Personal pet peeve of mine: they think that because you write erotica you are crass and will get turned on when someone who hardly knows you sends you a descriptive email about what she’d do to you.

– The Gansta wannabe. Usually a white woman in her 40s – 60s who dresses like a 15 year old ghetto boy and writes as if “Engrish” was her first language. I’m not sure if she does it trying to be cool or because she has never opened a book but it’s an instant turn off. I was born in another country and can put a sentence together in English, why can’t she? She often complains about not being able to find a lady… well if you want a lady, start writing, talking, and acting like a gentleman instead of a thug!

– The Leather Daddy wannabe. He’s heard through the grapevine or directly from your lips that you are a submissive bottom and he feels it’s ok to (a) grab you by the neck with a firm grip each time he sees you {dude we are not in bed and we aren’t that close yet, don’t touch me!}, (b) brag about what a great lay or BDSM top he is while you are having lunch, or (c) lie about his connections, acquaintances, and/or position in the BDSM scene and hierarchy. You know, because you’re gonna bottom for the first asshole who brags about being a great top without checking his background first.

– The Ex wannabe. You went out a couple of times or dated briefly and she somehow feels entitled to tell everyone that you dated. Even worse, you went out for drinks or coffee (yes I wrote “coffee”!) and whenever you are in the same room with other people the first thing that comes out of her mouth is how you used her, abused her, and were a total bitch to her. While for some femmes being added to some butch’s conquest list can be flattering, for me it is plain creepy.

– The Muse wannabe. For anyone creative (writer, musician, painter…) there are few things more annoying than a butch/femme asking you when you are going to paint them or write a song/poem about them.

– The one who wants to be you. In the best of cases she has no personality (who wants a friend like that?). In the worst, she wants your life. New in town or to your circle of friends, you take her under your wing thinking she’s cute and innocent. Soon enough she starts dressing like you which is flattering and cool because now you two can go shopping together and, of course, you don’t think anything about it. Then she gets a haircut suspiciously similar to yours and dyes her hair to match your hair color. Then she starts making plans with your friends leaving you out. Then she moves on to your butch/femme. It can also be the other way around – you are the newcomer, a femme takes you under her wing till she gets all she can from you, chews you up and spits you out like used gum.

– The one with a Mommy Dearest complex. She tries to give you a guilt trip because you don’t do what she wants. If the guilt trip doesn’t work, she will try to publicly embarrass you telling everyone that you are mean because you won’t do whatever she wants you to do. She thinks it is okay because she has told you to your face and you have taken the joke graciously. You may want to remind her that you already have a mother – who by the way runs the guilt trip agency – and don’t need another one.

– The one with a Mr. Big complex. If you are together, she feels smothered. If you are with someone else, she tells you she misses you and wants to be with you. She can’t make up her mind and – just like when Mr. Big married a woman who didn’t know the difference between “there” and “their” (season 3, episode 33) – s/he settles for someone who is less complicated than you.

– The one with a Paris Hilton complex. She thinks the whole world should revolve around her. You are supposed to drop everything you are doing (work, school, gym, friends…) and spend 20 mins on the phone each time she calls you (like 20 times a day). You are supposed to put your life on hold to accompany her to restaurants, art openings, movies, Broadway shows…because she really believes she is Paris Hilton and you are her Chihuahua.

– The one with a Pygmalion complex. She sees you as a diamond in the rough or a pet project. She wants to change the way you dress, the way you move, the way you talk… and tells you it’s for your own good. What she really wants is to undermine your self-esteem so that you stick around eternally grateful and spineless because, after all, you’ll owe all that you accomplish to her.

– The one with a Peter Pan complex. She thinks all her jumping, laughing, interrupting other people when they are speaking, telling inappropriate jokes, looking like she had a flour sandwich for lunch, going out in public with holes in her t-shirt or 15 year old cargo pants, etc is cute. No one has ever had the heart to tell her that she is just a moron who doesn’t realize how stupid she looks doing all those things.

– The one with a Pope complex. This is usually an ex that, after you dump her ass, tells you she wants to meet your new girlfriend to give you her blessing. At some point down the line she’ll get drunk or have an spontaneous outburst and she’ll tell you what she really thinks of your new girlfriend and that she wants you back.

– The one with a Wendy complex. Perfect wife on the surface, spineless inside. She dates and stays with freeloaders, cheaters, beaters, alcohol or drug abusers… because she is either afraid of being alone or loves the attention she gets from other butches/femmes when she tells them what a good ol’ wife she is. While at first martyrs get a lot of sympathy, after a while her stories and lack of action get annoying.

– The one with a Butch in Shining Armor complex. S/he needs you to be in a constant crisis to feel good about herself. If you are trying to get sober, she will keep pushing alcohol on you. If you are trying to erase your debt, she will create situations/obligations to make sure you can’t get out of debt. If you are trying to get out of a bad relationship, she will point out all the pros so that you stay with your abusive partner.

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2 thoughts on “Wannabes And Women With Weird Complexes

  1. María Lapachet says:

    Crazy people tend to gravitate towards me. As a writer I think this is good because I never run out of stories :Dbut, at the same time, being a magnet for crazy women is no bueno for my own sanity.

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