So You Fell Off The Wagon, Huh?


Saturday night. You are in the middle of a date with a perfectly normal soft butch who is doing all the right things and saying all the right words but, out of nowhere, you realize you are thinking about your good-for-nothing ex. Suddenly you just want your date to be over, everything she does is wrong and she better not try to kiss you good night because you may taser her. You get home hating yourself for not being able to stop thinking about the other butch – the one who secretly wants you but is afraid to show it. (In your dreams!)

Sunday afternoon. You are with a friend out East at the outlets and you realize you are still thinking about the butch who gives you mixed signals “because she’s afraid and she just doesn’t know how to tell you she loves you”. You feel a knot in your stomach and as if someone was pulling your intestines. You gasp for air. You get dizzy. It hurts. Not being with her hurts. Thinking she may be with someone else hurts. Not knowing why she never tells you she loves you hurts. You need to kiss her. You need to feel her clit against yours for just a few seconds. You need to have her cock inside. And, goddamnit, you need her to tell you she loves you.

What can you do when your real life friends don’t want to hear about it because your craziness over some butch has been going on for way too long? Do you turn to Facebook? Do you turn to twitter? Do you go out for a walk? Do you take a cold shower? Do you clean the kitchen or bake eight batches of brownies? Do you write, play the guitar or do some other thing if you are creatively inclined? Do you pick up the phone and call her? Do you fire her a quick email asking her to please go out with you after work some night during the week, no need to dress up since it’s going to be right after work, no need to make it an official date, you just want to see her and know right there that you don’t want her? Do you tell her you just want her to tell you to your face why she doesn’t want to touch, kiss, lick, flog, or fuck you? Or do you check your sent emails folder to see when was the last time you sent her a pathetic email and realize it’s been over a year and she never got back to you? That’s normally one of the few things that, when I relapse and find myself fantasizing about She Who Shall Remain Nameless, remind me I’m a sappy pathetic little thing who needs to get her act together, count her blessings, and move on.

Reality checks that make you feel pathetic work fast. Here are some other ways to deal with having a relapse:

During the relapse…

a. Don’t be ashamed and enjoy every up and down – it’s ok to fall off the wagon every now and then and to feel whatever you are feeling. It only means that you are not dead yet.

b. Channel your energy into something different –clean the kitchen or the bathroom, go to the movies, hit the gym… buy the proverbial magic wand (I should be on commission) and spend quality time together.

c. Do something artsy – keep a diary, write poems, draw or sew something.

d. Don’t hold it against them when you call someone at 4 am and your friend tells you she doesn’t know what to do with you anymore and suggest you seek professional help.

After the relapse…

a. Don’t beat up yourself about it – give yourself a break. Accept that, just like a crack addict with crack heroin, you are occasionally powerless. Yes, I may have watched one too many Intervention episodes.

b. Don’t overthink it – even if you broke down and called, emailed, or texted her and s/he didn’t respond, s/he is the one who is missing out on something good. It is her loss! if s/he doesn’t get back to you because s/he’s not into you or because she’s busy, I guarantee you that s/he’s not going to have time to forward your email, txt or voice message to everyone you know. Relax.

c. Evaluate your options – is dating someone new really the best way to get over your ex or would your energy be better spent if you bought a magic wand and started that handmade jewelry business you always wanted to have?

d. Quit again – remember all the reasons why s/he and you are not together, write them down if you haven’t already and put the list in your fridge’s door. Recommit to not wasting any more time or energy on her.

e. Keep yourself busy and keep moving on.

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4 thoughts on “So You Fell Off The Wagon, Huh?

  1. mymotherthinksimaharlot says:

    THANK YOU for this post!! Having just solidified a harsh break-up and slowly embarking back into the dating scene, I know (given my past experiences) that her face is going to pop up over the next few months. Thanks for the tips on how to survive the heartaches and continue moving on.

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