When I’m Bad, I’m Better

Disclaimer: my better halves (well intended butch and femme friends) have asked me to insert a note explaining I have a dark sense of humor for those new to my blog. They are right. I don’t want a potential date or employer to not date/hire me thinking I’m a fuckedup sociopath.

My evil twin thinks there are times in life when what we believe in when it comes to friendship, sorority, and loyalty goes out of the window. Times when you must forget about your morals not in the name of love or lust but in the name of sweet, cold revenge. My evil twin says that, if you want to get even with that so-called friend who stabbed you in the back, if you want to remind that piece of shit femme that no one fucks with you, the best thing you can do is to screw her butch.

Here is how to shield yourself and make sure her butch doesn’t get caught cheating:

– Always use protection. Dental dams, finger cots, and condoms. Even though you think they’ve been happily partnered (even married) for years, you don’t know if you are the first or just the last femme on a long list of sushi on the side for that butch.

– Do not tell anyone. Even your best friend in the world could hate you or look at you differently after telling her about your plans. Even worse, if she is a femme partnered with a butch, she could get paranoid and start avoiding you thinking you are going to steal her butch.

– Leave no trace. This means no emails, no phone calls, and no sexting. How are you supposed to communicate? Orally (no pun intended). Agree to meet at a recurring time and place. If the other party doesn’t show up, wait until the next time to talk about it in person.

– Go to a motel. Never go to her place and have sex in her own bed: (a) that’s tacky (b) you don’t want to leave any evidence {hair, scent, makeup, glitter or worse – eww – fluids} behind. Never take her to your place no matter what. If she hasn’t been there before, she won’t be able to describe your bedroom when she confesses to her girlfriend. Yes: she will confess and no, you don’t want her to know that you are the other woman. The main point here is to fuck with your so-called friend’s head not to get fucked by her if she catches you.

– Don’t give her your home or workplace addresses. If she’s never been to your apartment before, there’s no need for her to know where you live and the same goes for your work place. Again, you don’t want her to confess and get you into trouble. You don’t need her sending you flowers either – the receipts or bank statements could give her shenanigans and your location away at the end of the month. If her partner is a control freak or simply on top of their finances, she could be onto you in a couple of days when the expense shows up on their online account.

– If she has a GPS, make her disconnect it as soon as she leaves her place to go meet you.

– Do not let her touch you in public. Since you are doing this out of revenge, I’m sure you won’t feel the urge to touch her in public. Make sure she doesn’t get closer than she did before you two started your affair. Whether it is in front of her partner or in front of mutual friends, do not let her innocently touch you in anyway – like putting her hand on your leg, grabbing your tits for a group photo, biting your ear, caressing your nipple with the neck of a beer bottle over your t-shirt, etc. These and similar gestures will get people talking and her girlfriend suspecting something is up.

– Deny, deny, deny… 98% of the time a butch will confess to her/hys infidelity out of guilt. Just like some femmes do, 1% of the time, she will confess out of boredom – you know what I’m talking about: a bored femme or butch who has emotional affairs and confesses to them because she thrives on drama. When confronted with the truth, always deny it. Tell your so-called friend that her butch is making things up perhaps to get her attention and that they both need counseling.

Why not get caught? Because you can live without their drama and you don’t need a slut reputation, thank you very much. Besides, it’s funnier to watch your so-called friend go crazy – if she doesn’t know who the other woman is she will obsess about it for months or years. Also, imagine how much fun you’ll have playing her “supportive bestie” i.e. listening to her fears, wiping her tears, convincing her that it’s all in her head… Or – equally fun – agreeing with her and pointing her in the wrong direction by giving her names of potential other women. Nothing feels better than taking out a CODA flyer, wishing them luck dealing with their drama, and walking away. You may have to change your number after you pull the CODA one but her face will be priceless!

Yes, my evil twin is going straight to Hell. She’ll save you a seat there!

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3 thoughts on “When I’m Bad, I’m Better

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