33 Things I Learned Last Year


1. I’m a 2×4 femme. I miss signals. I don’t understand plain English. I don’t register a simple: “wanna go out for sushi?” or “hey, I have tickets for X movie, wanna go?” as a butch asking me out on date or being remotely interested.

2. Attitude really is everything.

3. I cannot live without music. Thank God for YouTube and friends who buy new iPods every so often and give me their old ones.

4. (not exactly news but) I’m cheap and I own it!

5. Adele’s Someone Like You has replaced Lennon’s So This Is Christmas as my most hated song ever.

6. I love Park Avenue butches who wear ties and cuff links.

7. To never trust a butch who is in an on and off and on again relationship when she says she’s done with her girlfriend.

8. I’m better off without the drama of butches who automatically assume I’m too much to handle because I have a high sex drive.

9. You can’t have a conversation or discuss anything with a crazy butch. You could make the most logical argument in the world and it wouldn’t matter. It’s just not worth it.

10. To stay away from manipulative butches fishing for compliments or wanting to find out if I’m into them through out of the blue self-deprecating text messages.

11. The worst thing you can say about a femme is that she is boring.

12. That I’m not a pillow princess. For the longest time I have thought that dating/sleeping with stone butches automatically made me a pillow princess and then someone told me I’m anything but one.

13. To listen to my friends when they say this or that stone butch is not the one for me.

14. My rights as a tenant and how to file a complaint in NYS.

15. Plans for the day can change fast.

16. When someone from New England tells you it’s cold, that means that it is fucking cold out!

17. My biological clock is ticking. I’m not doing anything to become pregnant but I had an insane inner feeling of disappointment 12 times last year. My pregnancy and baby talk was out of control. I’m surprised I didn’t start buying baby clothes or stole any babies like those crazy straight women on Lifetime movies.

18. I may be in the wrong continent. Australia is packed with hot butches who have their shit together and there seems to be a shortage of femmes my age.

19. I have more self-restraint than I thought I had, but I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to non-reaction.

20. I look like Melina – a kick ass yet somewhat psychotic professional wrestler. I’m taking it as a compliment.

21. I’m over Twilight and all that it represents.

22. Downsizing my book collection is easier said than done. I still need to find a new home for 700+ books.

23. I value “face time” with friends (old and new) more than ever.

24. I miss my friends from Spain – gring@s don’t know how to party.

25. You can now call me Jolene (inside joke of The Traveling Butch).

26. I’m lazy. Plain and simple. I’ve ran out of excuses not to go to the gym.

27. 9 out of 10 times, when someone says she can’t stand you she either wants to be you or fuck you.

28. I’m ready to start dating again without lowering my standards.

29. I’m not an uptight bitch. I’m an overachiever and, on top of that, European.

30. How much I enjoy stepping out of my comfort zone: writing, at work, in my personal life, hosting the NYC Butch Femme Socials… I had forgotten how fun and rewarding the unexpected can be.

31. Mean, dried up old prunes don’t deserve playlists or pre-date manicures, pedicures, and new outfits.

32. To listen to Papa Jo when hy says “go and get yourself a hot young butch and show them how it’s done!”

33. To cook a mean Italian sausage.

What did YOU learn last year?

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8 thoughts on “33 Things I Learned Last Year

  1. Rosie says:

    I learned being a butch doesn’t necessarily mean short hair, no make-up and men’s clothes. You can look feminine outside and be very masculine inside. So I stopped trying to convince myself wearing ties and having short hairstyle which is not me.

    I learned I was more boyish in my teens than I’m now. I used men’s wallet, black umbrellas and men’s perfume but I don’t enjoy it anymore.

    I learned I can wear dresses but I wouldn’t caught dead in a skirt.

    I learned I have more nailpolishes than femmes and straight girls !

    I learned the last straight girl I can tolerate on Earth is my own sister!!!!

    I learned just lately I’m into some other butches too, which was something rather surprising to me but I now know I can date and have relationship with butches as well as femmes. I love this flexibility!

    I just learned today the butch celebrity I love to death is dating someone and I can’t help hating that girl. (I completely understand your posts about k d lang. I feel the same for that celebrity).

    I learned I hate to sit back and expect someone to cook for me in the kitchen. I should help her too. I enjoy cleaning the house though!

    I learned when I open the doors for girls or give my arms to them or buy them things I feel horribly like a man and I hate this feeling. Probably that’s why I started unconciously liking butches, to run away from this manly feelings that I’m a man deep inside.

    I learned I don’t wanna go to bed with stone buches ’cause I love giving pleasure as well as getting it.

    I learned because of my feminine look I’m very much appealing to butches and they can never guess I’m a butch like them too. I really love that, as I said I enjoy being with butches too. They’re so hot.

    Dear Maria,
    As a side note, I’m not American. I’m an Iranian lesbian and I know you might be surprised to hear that. I enjoy reading blogs of other lesbians from other countries, and your blog was the first one I discovered. I love all your posts and I learned lots of things from you.
    People usually think Iran is a kind of Hell for LGTB people, but we have our own lives over here. We have our own hidden love life and romance. Life might not be so free for us as it is for you, but we live it. We do exist, please don’t forget us.
    [If you’d like you can watch “Circumstance” the Iranian movie about the lives of two Iranian lesbian girl. It’s on the top of lesbian movies list these days based on Curve magazine]

    I keep reading this blog. Don’t forget to update it soon!

    Love,
    Your Iranian lesbian friend

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