The Million Dollar Question


Every week ten to fifteen femmes get to this blog after googling “how to make love to a stone butch.” Three of my stone butch friends have been pestering me to write a blog post about it for at least a year. I’ve been deliberately delaying writing this post because:

(a) while it’s true that my milkshake brings all the stone butches to the yard, I don’t want to give away my secrets.

(b) I was secretly hoping some stone butch blogger would write the blog post saving me time, energy and (avoidable?) public humiliation {there’ll always be some asshole who thinks I don’t know what I’m writing about or am annoying}.

(c) There are tons of misconceptions around what it means to be stone butch and, since I’m not one, I’m afraid I’m going to make the problem worse. I’m sure there’s lots of individual variety. The essentials probably are a strong preference (sometimes even necessity) to top and that orgasms are not through genital stimulation.

The online literature on stone butches is a heap of extreme bullshit based on the usual M-F gender stereotypes. Of the few articles available, some have all stone butches being hard, exaggeratedly masculine, and emotionally unavailable. Others portray stone butches as freakish, mentally unstable women with a sexual dysfunction because they have a complete disconnect with one or more parts of their body. Most of my stone butch friends wish the lesbian community would stop spreading this shit and spitting it back in various forms. One of them even emailed a well known butch writer objecting to her writings on the stone butch subject and since then the butch writer has taken down most of what she had written/posted.

Making love to a stone butch (or fucking their brains out – stone butches get horny too and not all of them want a white picket fence) is about communicating desire. The femme who makes love to a stone butch shows her desire to be led, to be excited, to be given to, and to be taken to the stars. In my humble opinion, a stone butch is the most sensitive and attuned of lovers and there is nothing else in the universe like when a stone focuses on you. Whether it is a one night thing or a relationship, I tease and flirt initially, I look at them with desire, I find ways to show them that I am excited by them (caresses, kisses, licks, etc), and I hand over control of my body to them.

Contrary to popular belief, stone butches love to be touched, to be held, to have their faces and hair stroked and kissed. Face, neck, shoulders, back, hands… are “safe” areas. Sometimes the chest too. Yes, I’m not high on Diet Pepsi. Some stones like to have their tits licked, kissed, and bitten (just doublecheck with your stone or ask for permission before you bite {learned that one the hard way but that’s another story}).

Stone butches aren’t afraid of their bodies or inhibited about them – they just don’t work like a regular woman’s body. Stone butches experience orgasms in their minds and throughout the whole of their bodies. The thrill for them is touching a femme, exploring every part of our bodies minutely, more and more with each experience, feeling our every response when they excite us – the quickening breath, the tremble, and the shudder. It’s happening to them too – on the inside. In time they become so attuned that their whole body tingles and their mind explodes.

There are hundreds of little ways to communicate desire and to accept the desire of a stone butch. Use your eyes, hands, lips, and tongue to communicate your wants. Voice them as well – don’t be afraid to tell a stone butch you want them or you want them to do something “weird” to you. Stones want only to please and pleasure femmes. Be fully there in the experience. Let them take you where they want you: to the moon.

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40 thoughts on “The Million Dollar Question

  1. tmboy says:

    Agree to all of the above. When the connection is good I can and have hard full blown physical orgasm when giving oral. Its pretty awesome.

  2. johnny99butch says:

    Ha. After I read the first line all I could think was wait a minute “a femme doesn’t make love to a stone butch, a stone butch makes love…”
    If your a femme thinking this then your thinking too hard 😉

    Everything you said is true except at least for my sake, you really better ask about the chest thing cuz that ain’t for me. Also I feel like i have a stone butch body. not a woman’s body. I’m not a woman but my stone butch idenity lives in the same neighborhood. Fox in the hen house kinda thing 😉

    its 100% true about orgasms but it can be like one of those finger trap things because its always a product of a femmes pleasure. If you tell your butch you want them to come and try to switch the focus from you to them then there’s a good chance they’ll lose the thread of what was building up that orgasm in the first place. Our brain’s are 100% wired to femme’s pleasure. Without that even if we do come, its empty.

    Thanks for writing this, gonna go check out the rest of your blog now.

  3. Paula Adams says:

    wait wait…. what?

    uh… lord knows I do NOT want to piss off a Femme, ever… but I have a question. Let’s just hope the question rolling around in my brain makes it to the keypad they way I wanted to ask it.

    Are you simply saying stone butches like to give rather than receive? Maybe I should go learn what a stone butch is exactly? lol.. I figured a butch… is a butch, but I am sensing from this blog that apparently there are a variety of them. Meeeeeeeeeeh, go figure, I am your typical run of the mill female fire officer, not femme, not really butch, just in between … a tweener, I guess, but this stone butch info is interesting and might even explain a few things.. lol

    That said, I find your blog and your insight intriguing and a great read.

  4. rwblues says:

    I’m new to the description of what I’ve been experiencing all my life.
    We Stones find pleasure in pleasing, and we do love being held, kissed, touched where we are comfortable. We’re not trying to deny our partner’s (or partners’) the opportunity to “return the favor,” it’s just that we want it our way.
    Just like everybody else wants it their way, too.

    Sexuality has many expressions….lots of variations….Stone is just one of ’em.
    And within the Stone Butch “category” there are variations, too.

    Thank you for your post, and for the comments I’ve read from others.

    Stone Butches are not freaks, we just know what we want and need.

  5. Teresa says:

    hot. Hot. HOT! I just found your blog and I’m so excited to know that there’s a femme talking about butches… Love them and thank you from the West Coast!

  6. nechakotess says:

    I have also ehard that sexaul abuse is what makes stone butches “that way.” If sexual abuse accounted for stone butch identity then there would be a hell of a lot more of them around. Sexual abuse of children is epidemic and the survivors emerge with all kinds of sexual identity. One does not cause the other. The reality, coping and healing around sexual abuse will play out differently. There isn’t a simple linear this happened to you and therefore that is why you are (pick one) gay, feminist, stone butch, alone…… .etc. etc. It’s a very convenient way to dismiss and eradicate radical alternatives and choices.

    As an out and proud femme, loving and being loved by a butch is powerful and estactic. And every pair of lovers have to figure out what works and where the no-go zones are (do not get me started ont aht whole lick teh ear thing.) AND we all have to know that the figuring out is never fixed and static. So lighten up, relax and enjoy and don’t let societal messages of what is “proper” filter into what is the most radical assertion of self hood – your sexual identity and practice. And remember practice makes perfect. 😉

  7. mattie. says:

    Great insight! My sister is a stone butch so I’ve known about the struggles that she would go through in regards to being understood by her lovers.
    I just began me first relationship with a stone butch and I’m so happy to have this (still limited) understanding to take into the bedroom. Asking questions is still so important! Communication with a stone butch goes a looooooong way.

    In regards to sexual abuse: this can be a factor but is not always the case, so don’t assume that this is the reason your stone butch is a stone butch.

    Thanks for taking a chance and bringing up this topic! You did a wonderful job!

  8. Ann says:

    Thank you for your insightful blog especially this post. You have very successfully described me in all my Stone Butch glory and for that I am grateful.

  9. Chris says:

    I’m late to the party….

    I discovered your blog today, quite by mistake. What a pleasant surprise.

    You get it. Few appear to.

    For what it’s worth, our sexuality is elusive in the describing, though you’ve done well and better than most. I’ve never been able to find quite the right words to adequately describe for those who don’t experience it, what it is a stone femme does to someone like me.

    When I’m in the presence of a femme that senses my stone, though strangers, the connection in that recognition is immediate.

    It’s been my experience that stone femmes, like stone butches, are simply incomplete without the other, sexually. Stone femmes seem to know in their gorgeous DNA that stone butches are built and wired differently, sexually speaking, and only femmes have the ability to draw that out, light it up and set it free. That power can bring me to my knees. The desire that can engender is explosive.

    In other (still inadequate) words, as a stone butch whose sexuality has always seemingly existed in a different universe, the depth of my sexual connection to the femmes I’ve had relationships with has been amazing. Making love with a femme is at its most fundamental an expression of unreserved adoration. In exchange, she renders to me what has become mine. She becomes my only focus, all that I can see. I get completely lost in my need to hear and feel her every expression. If she is without pleasure, I have none. My sexual pleasure can exist only within hers. That’s a gift only she can give to me.

    Some nice light reading….

    Anyway, you nailed it.

    Thanks for the post.

  10. jay says:

    I would also add, don’t be afraid to ask them what they want and make sure they know it can be anything. I’m a demi-stone (some relationships I am and some I’m not, some women just bring that out in me to an explosive level) in love with another stone and we are totally different in terms of what we want. the hard part for me of being with a stone is wanting to show my affection and appreciation and not always knowing how, or feeling like the balance is unfair, but knowing that I can ask them, “is there anything you need?” and they could say, “can I get a beer and a foot massage?” or something and see how happy that makes them makes things a whole lot happier for both of us 🙂

  11. mk says:

    I’m one of those women who found your blog looking for info about the stone butch sexuality. 🙂
    I’m a fledgling very femme bottom, relatively new to this after divorcing my husband. My first lesbian experience with my mostly-stone butch lover rocks my world just like you wrote, it’s been four years with her now and it gets hotter every year. She loves that i let her do whatever she wants to me, and allowing her that has only fueled the fires. I love to see what she desires to do. Rarely do I get to touch her..outside of the face, neck, back, shoulders..I generally follow her lead. I respect her need to feel masculine, and her boyishness turns me on no end, it’s incredibly cute and sexy. She dotes on me like no male ever did, I feel so cherished. She keeps a tee shirt and boy shorts on in the bedroom and I could not care less. Once I gave over control and stopped trying to reciprocate and just rode the wave I discovered an intense sexuality that trumps any experience I ever had with a male. She pleasures me with such intensity and desire it’s intoxication. I love to dress sexy for her and watch her drool with desire and take me hungrily, it’s very powerful for me although functionally I am a submissive..I’m the “bottom.” I get pleasure from the fact that she desires me and my femininity so deeply. It’s a powerful position in the end. Best part is being loved up afterward. No more men for me, thanks. I’ll take a stone butch thank you.

  12. Jay Tilman aka boobookitty says:

    I just want to share with you that I still share this blog page with new friends and enjoy your writing as much as ever. Your words and those shared in the comments are a wonderful way to open up the mind and conversation for those who are just learning about Stone Butch sexuality and expression. (hugs all over you girl)

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