Butch Femme Dictionary

A very sui generis Butch Femme dictionary of all things butch femme compiled with help from friends, books, well-known butch/femme websites, Wikipedia, Facebook, twitter, and other sources. New terms will be added as I come across them or make them up (seriously, who had heard/read of “fotw” before meeting me?).

Badonkadonk: the nodding movement a butch’s head makes when a femme who catches their eye walks by. Often accompanied by mild drooling and incoherency.

Bitch: a femme who knows her own worth and is not afraid to speak her mind. Sometimes a real pain in the ass but always worth a butch or stone butch’s time.

Bio-male: straight man.

Blue Jean Femme: A femme who prefers jeans or casual clothing to dresses and skirts.

Boi: 1. A lesbian who doesn’t necessarily believe in or has heard of the butch/femme dynamic, who may ID as male and likes to dress like a male kid/teenager. It can be a young lesbian or someone in her 40s, 50s, 60s… behaving like a teenager (think a butch version of Peter Pan). Expectations and rules that apply to butches do not apply to bois. 2. In BDSM, a submissive butch who is commonly (but not exclusively) a bottom. 3. In Australia, a term of endearment and solidarity that butches use to refer to each other.

Bottom: 1. In BDSM, a butch or a femme at the receiving end of spankings, floggings or other forms of stimulation.

Bulldagger: butch, often used as an insult, never heard of it as a compliment.

Bulldyke: 1. insult used by the straight community against very masculine lesbians 2. badge of honor for old school dykes like Lea DeLaria.

Butch: 1. A masculine lesbian, somewhat strong, somewhat able to take care of herself and her femme. 2. (as opposed to boi) Grown up, the man of the house.

Butch Code: set of unspoken rules referring to the way a butch interacts with another butch (rule #1: don’t steal a butch’s femme) or the way a butch is supposed to treat a femme. Only talked about. Seen very few actually follow it.

Butch Emotional Deficit Disorder (BEDD): the basic Butch trait of not always showing emotion or emotional reaction to things a femme thinks the butch should react to right away.

Butch-Femme Dance: the mutual attraction and mating rituals of butches and femmes.

Butch Flight: apparently the number of butches transitioning (FTMs) is so high in the West Coast that someone came up with this name.

Butch-femmephobia: Subtle acts of discrimination against the butch femme community, butch/femme individuals, and/or butch/femme groups based on their looks, stereotypes about the butch/femme community, etc. Examples: a bar that doesn’t want a butch femme group to advertise they are meeting at their premises or a restaurant that suggests the butch host of a dinner to change a public announcement to read “ladies’ night” instead of “butch femme night.”

Butch Season: a time in a femme’s life when she declares open hunting on all single butches or stone butches in sight and sound. Butches should head for the hills when a femme says this. Femmes have been known to bait traps with cleavage, stilettos, and baked goods.

Cake eaters: 1. Bisexual women who think they are femmes and end up leaving their butches for bio-males 2. FTMs who date both lesbian femmes and straight women who have no idea of what the Butch Femme dynamic is about but want to give it a try.

Cat hoarder: generally speaking, someone who has more than 5 cats. IMO, a cat hoarder is (a) anyone who has more cats that she can afford and doesn’t take good care of them, (b) anyone who claims she’s rescuing animals while harassing their friends/acquaintances “to pitch in,”  and (c) both of the above.

Children of the Higher Power: butches and femmes who are in recovery. They normally go to AA, NA, and other anonymous meetings.

Diva: A femme who knows her own worth and is not afraid to speak her mind.

Domestically challenged: 1. A butch or a femme who gets lost in their own kitchen. 2. Yours Truly.

DTFB: Down to fuck butch

DTFF: Down To Fuck Femme

Dyke: 1. a lesbian 2. a very masculine lesbian 3. a munching machine.

Femme: a feminine lesbian who is attracted to butches and stone butches.

Femme cock: an oxymoron.

Femme code: see “butch code” and apply it to femmes. I think it’s a myth, like unicorns. Allegedly a femme is not supposed to sleep with other femme’s butch or backstab another femme, but Lord knows it happens. A LOT.

Femme fatale: a femme who can cause butches and stone butches to walk into walls with what she wears or what she says.

Femme flight: femmes who end up marrying straight men and having kids with them.

Femme shame: the shame a Femme feels when a mainstream lesbian or her butch lover recoils from her physical desires, her needs and wants for some kind of intimate touch or taste which open the doors to a greater emotional intimacy.

FOTW: flavor of the week.

FTM: female to male transexual.

Futch: confused hot mess. Self-proclaimed half butch, half femme.

Gentleman Butch: considerate butch with nice manners who treats femmes respectfully and wants to keep us on the pedestal. Also known as “gentle butch.”

Geriatric Butch: one hot butch/stone butch tamale in her late 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s… Examples: Eileen Myles and Alix Dobkin (I’m not 100% Alix Dobkin is a butch, but even if she’s not I would take one for the team).

Granola Femme: a femme in touch with nature and the environment, who doesn’t shave her armpits or legs, doesn’t wear deodorant, has only one topic of conversation (normally yoga or tofu), and loves patchouli and anything that sparkles.

High Femme: a femme who won’t get caught dead in anything other than a dress or a skirt.

High Maintenance Femme: I think it’s an expression butches throw at you when you catch them doing something they shouldn’t be doing or they let you down. If they are late, don’t take out the garbage, embarrass you by dressing like slobs… it’s not their fault, it is YOUR fault for being HIGH MAINTENANCE.

Home Depot: cruising spot for either femmes looking for butches or kinky butchfemmers looking for new toys. Also frequented by happily attached couples that simply need to paint the walls.

Husband / Husbutch: any butch or stone butch who is in a monogamous, committed relationship with another butch or a femme regardless of whether they are legally married or not.

Internalized butchphobia: negative feelings that a butch or stone butch has towards her/himself because of many reasons (social, cultural, political). Example # 1: a woman who looks, talks, and acts butch but goes around telling everyone {whether they want to hear it or not} that she is “dapper non butch” as if being butch was the same than having some infectious disease. Example # 2: a butch who’s been told that her social group shouldn’t advertise its outings at certain bar and keeps patronizing that bar.

Internalized femmephobia: negative feelings that a femme has towards herself for many different reasons. Example: a femme who defines herself as “queer” because she believes the flower in the wall stereotype or is afraid coming out as a femme will kill her social life.

Labels: something the butch femme community embraces.

Lesbian Sex Mafia:  the oldest continuously running women’s BDSM support and education group in the country.

Lip Gloss Femme: a femme who doesn’t own a tube of lipstick and wouldn’t be caught dead without her gloss.

Lipstick Femme: extremely feminine femme who can’t leave the house without her makeup. While the mainstream “lipstick lesbian” dates other femmes, a lipstick femme – since it’s my blog and I define what I want to HOW I want to – only dates butches and stone butches.

Magic wand: a femme’s best friend.

Metrosexual Butch: a butch who takes pride in how s/he looks, color coordinates his or her clothes, is always perfectly groomed, enjoys movies and plays, knows the best restaurants, and generally speaking is the butch/femme world equivalent of a gay man.

NSA: no strings attached sex.

Packing: when a butch or stone butch wears her cock in public it’s called “packing.”

Partner: before LGBT marriage was legal in New York, many butch/femme couples talked about their significant others as their “partner.” Maybe it’s just me, but I think it’s time to find a new word because each time someone says: “this is so and so and she’s my partner” I have to bite my tongue not to ask them at what architecture studio or law firm they made partners.

Pillow princess: a femme who is the bottom during sex and doesn’t do anything for her partner.

Poly: a butch or femme who is in a committed relationship with a primary partner and one or more secondary partners.

Power Femme: 1. A femme who thrives in the power, strength, and mystique of her femininity. 2. Hyperactive, overachieving career femme.

Preheat the oven: what I tell my lovers when I’m not in the mood for a quickie (aka “foreplay”).

Pussy whipped: a butch or stone butch who is totally wrapped around a femme’s finger.

Queer: 1. Literally: homosexual. 2. In the 80s LGBTs started reclaiming and using “queer” (which had been used against them as an insult) as a way of self-identification. 3. Today being a lesbian is boring and not cool/radical enough so young kids use the word “queer” as a synonym of lesbian and as an umbrella of other LGBT terms. 4. This word is a pet peeve of mine. 99% of my gay friends use the word “gay” to talk about themselves. 90% of the lesbians I know use the word “queer.” Young lesbians run away from the word “lesbian” as much as young straight women run away from the word “feminist.” Why is that? Patriarchy at its finest. What doesn’t have a name or remain nameless, doesn’t exist.

Run for the hills femme: 1. A femme who gets away as fast as she can when the butch she likes tries to get to know her or asks her out on a date. 2. Yours Truly.

S4S: stud for stud.

Saturday Night Butch: a butch who is only openly butch during the weekend or when s/he goes out with her friends.

Sike-a-dyke: Straight woman, who dresses, moves, walks, and talks like a butch.

Slut: single femme with a very healthy and high sex drive.

Sour puss: A party pooper.

Stone Butch: a butch that prefers not to have their genitals touched by her or his partner.

Stone Femme: 1. A femme who is a bottom during sex and doesn’t want to touch her partner anywhere during sex. 2. A femme who doesn’t like her genitals to be touched and tops her sexual partners. 3. A femme who enjoys sex, adapts to her partners’ level of comfort when touching them, and only dates very masculine butches and stone butches.

Stud: an urban African American butch who takes pride in her appearance and always dresses to the nines.

Sushi on the side: single butch or femme that a happily partnered butch/femme fucks without her wifey/husbutch knowing about it.

The Butch/Femme Society: New York City’s oldest and largest butch/femme social and support group. The Butch/Femme Society is committed to providing social education, emotional support, and entertainment to the much ignored butch/femme community.

TERF: Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist.

Tomboy Femme: a tomboy femme will work shoulder to shoulder with her Butch doing an oil change on the vehicle, scraping barnacles off the boat, laying new floorboards at the cabin, but also cooks bakes and is a homemaker who creates a comfortable home for her butch and their brood of kids (who are acknowledged as the best behaved kids in the district due to her awesome parenting skills).

Top: 1. A butch or a femme who initiates sex and stays on top during sex. 2. In BDSM, a butch or a femme who administers some form of punishment/stimulation such as spankings or on another person but does not have psychological control or power over that person.

Tweener: young androgynous lesbian who is neither butch nor femme.

U-Haul Syndrome: makes butches and femmes want to move in with each other after the 2nd date.


BOS: Butch over shoulder
CFM: Come fuck me
FOS: femme over shoulder
HMU: hit me up
FOCL: falling off the chair laughing
ROTFL: rolling on the floor laughing
ROTFLMA: rolling on the floor laughing my ass off
LMAO: laughing my ass off
LMFAO: laughing my fucking ass off
LOL: laughing out loud
WTF: what the fuck
GTFO: get the fuck out
DGAF: don’t give a fuck
OMFG: oh my fucking god
STFU: shut the fuck up
FML: fuck my life
HU: hook up
YOLO: you only live once
143: I love you
10-4: I hear ya



Butch Is a Noun by S. Bear Bergman

Female chauvinist pigs. Women and the rise of raunch culture by Ariel Levy

S/He by Minnie Bruce Pratt

Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg

The little butch book by Leslea Newman


Butch Femme Kink
The Butch/Femme Society

Got questions, comments, corrections, suggestions? Feel free to leave them below or email me at marialapachet@yahoo.com.

6 thoughts on “Butch Femme Dictionary

  1. Butch flight? I can honestly say I have never heard of that. However, I am from the east coast, and it was mentioned that this phenomenon is prevalent on the west coast. I am an African American butch (or stud) and this term is completely new to me. What’s going on out on the west coast?

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