34 Things I Learned Last Year

1. If I’m going to date US butches and stone butches I better understand the following two things: they eat their fries with ketchup and they watch the freaking Super Bowl!!!

2. Nothing like a butch’s publicly humiliating me to get over the need to bottom for her. Fast.

3. There should be (a) a law against femmes who label ALL their exes and – by association – their exes’ friends as “stalkers,” (b) a way to remind said femmes that thanks to Facebook we know they are full of shit.

4. I’m fascinating enough to be spoken about obsessively, but too intimidating to be spoken directly to. Go figure!

5. Hum, yeah. I still don’t like butches who wear makeup. I don’t care if it’s for work or to please their families. If they aren’t artists and they aren’t on a stage, I can’t stand butches (or should I say wannabe butches?) wearing makeup.

6. I’m 100% allergic to butches who wear flashy, “middle aged woman going through menopause,” “I’m still in the closet at work” gold and gemstone hoop earrings.

7. To stick to my guts and not give second chances to butches/stone butches who have given me a weird vibe from day 1.

8. Shit happens to everyone. The only thing that matters is how you come back from it. Period.

9. I have zero tolerance for foster parents of multiple kittens and puppies who brag about being great parents when they should be reported to ASCPA.

10. Some femmes choose to follow butches, and some femmes choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore. If you are cold at night: buy a magic wand and furry socks.

11. Shocking news (to me): 75% of my female friends ID as gay or queer. Being a lesbian is déclassé. To some, the word “lesbian” sounds like a disease, country or nationality. To others the word “lesbian” is not radical, aggressive or cool enough.

12. Yes, Virginia, there are butches who like Hello Kitty and love femmes in Hello Kitty undies.

13. I’m officially addicted to working out (I hit the gym a minimum of 5 days a week) and I have become one of those annoying people who say “I can’t” is not in their dictionary.

14. I love refilling my karmic tank – some things I do very openly (AIDS Walk NYC, donating water, coats, and blankets after Sandy) some things I choose to keep to myself.

15. You know it’s going to be a fun day when you start off your day thinking: “can I be monogamous? Do I want to? What would Jesus do?”

16. Maybe – just maybe – reviewing a BDSM lesbian anthology or going to Folsom Street East wasn’t what I needed when I was thinking about not seeing The Traveling Butch.

17. My milkshake brings all the crazy butches to the yard!

18. I don’t have to call everyone on their shit. Washing my hands clean off of a hot messes and letting them think I’m stupid makes me equally happy.

19. I can be as fake as any of those 40 and 50-something femmes who haven’t talked to me in years yet pretend we are besties in front of other people. Namaste, bitches!

20. I’m done going out of my way for people who don’t appreciate it BUT I’m not letting past experiences turn me into a sour puss. I have started sending just-because handwritten notes, cards, and care packages to my friends again.

21. I’m done writing for free for Spanish lesbian magazines that have me asking for favors in the US and then don’t publish my columns and reviews on their due time.

22. I have lowered my dating standards: will date any butch/stone butch who doesn’t show up to a date with her ex.

23. I worry about becoming a poorly dressed, stinky, lonely old woman who strikes up a conversation with strangers while waiting for the traffic lights to change because that’s the only opportunity she has to talk to another human being.

24. I want to meet a butch/stone butch within 2 years, make it official, and start popping babies in 3.

25. I want to be a stay at home mom and be featured on Extreme Couponing (for realz).

26. Thanks to an uber hot and very generous stone butch I am now addicted to Henri Bendel’s jewelry.

27. I was SO not ready for Sandy. Food? Checked. Books? Checked. Articles to translate and stuff to write about? Checked. Candles for 4 days without power? Nope. Mentally ready for 4 days of no blackberry, no laptop, no internet, and (the horror!) no magic wand? Nope.

28. I haven’t danced my best dance. I won’t let the pain and disappointment of the past stop me from living a full, blessed, happy life.

29. To not get involved with a fan. It’s too much drama and can give me a bad rep. Groupies on the other hand….

30. I’m the Taylor Swift of the butch femme dating world and weeeeeeee (The Traveling Butch & I) are never ever ever getting back together.

31. There are some fucked up stone butches out there that play butches and femmes against each other and try to push testosterone on butches who don’t want it. What’s that about?

32. I don’t have to be perfect all the time. As a femme co-host of the NYC Butch Femme Socials I thought I had to doll up every month. Last year I ended up having more fun the only Social of the year where I wasn’t wearing a dress or heels and hadn’t colored my hair. And fuck it if that makes me lose brownie points.

33. I’m not some butch’s backup plan and definitely not a second choice.

34. To not drink tequila on an empty stomach and to be grateful for friends who will come pick me up when I’m a pukey hot mess.

14 thoughts on “34 Things I Learned Last Year

  1. You had me chuckling already at point number 1.

    I am in Australia, I identify as a Stone Butch and I can’t stand Ketchup, Tomato Sauce, Barbecue sauce … or the Superbowl (down here, they mostly like Football, and I am not really partial to that either).

    I really enjoyed your post.

  2. Well I love ketchup but not the superbowl. I am in Florida and I am single looking for a stone femme to make it official.

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