Memo To The Clueless Butch


I don’t speak for all femmes, but, please:

–       Don’t tell a femme who wants to go out on a date with you that you are going to just drill in any hole that lets you instead because the love and relationship crap is for the birds.

–       Don’t turn around and go to sleep after sex leaving a femme unsatisfied.

–       Don’t joke about the femme you are dating’s being sexually unsatisfied in front of other butches. It’s humiliating for her, it makes you look like a fucktard, and it lets other butches know that they have a chance of getting in said femme’s pants.

–       Don’t joke about a femme’s age, weight, or salary.

–       If you intend to ask a femme out, go for it. If you need to work your shit out, don’t waste her time.

–       If you can’t handle dating a femme, stay home with your tail between your legs. Don’t put ideas in a femme’s head and then try to blame it on her when the first date never happens if the real reason is that you never had the balls to ask her out to begin with.

–       If you don’t want drama in your life stop dating “straight till I met you” moms whose 7 month old babies’ daddies are still in the picture.

–       Don’t say you love a femme unless you mean it.

–       Don’t buy a femme a Henri Bendel necklace unless you plan to make sweet, sweet love to her wearing nothing but that necklace.

–       Don’t ask a femme to write your personal ad for you.

–       Don’t badmouth your ex.

–       Stop adopting more animals than you can afford to have (or at least stop asking me to “chip in” to cover your dog’s food, vaccines or vet’s bills).

–       Don’t brag about every femme in the world’s making a pass at you or wanting you. If you have to go around announcing what a great catch you are, you aren’t one.

–       Just because we choose not to confront you, don’t think we don’t know when you are double-dipping.

–       If you like a femme and she mentions another butch, don’t say that you know from a good source that said butch is not “a real butch.” First, there isn’t a single way of being butch. Second, it makes you sound full of shit as in “the next thing that will come out of your mouth is that kd lang really likes dick.”

–       Don’t buy clothes 6 sizes bigger than the size you should be wearing. If shopping for clothes terrorizes you, bring a femme friend with you. If you are in NYC and have no femme friends, hit me up and I’ll go with you. But for the Love of Tom Cruise’s God, stop wearing clothes that are too big and make you look like a sloppy child caught playing in his father’s closet.

–       On that note: leave baseball caps and active wear for going to the gym or a game or to do stuff around the house. It’s not cute nor socially acceptable to wear baseball caps when you are over a certain age. Unless you are kd lang’s long lost twin sister – in which case you can wear anything you want, baby.

–       Burn your Crocs (or at least stop wearing them to dates).

–       A men’s manicure and pedicure once in a blue moon won’t kill your or take away your butch card. Seriously, learn how to take care of your nails so that a femme sitting across from you pays attention to what you are saying instead of wondering if you have nail fungus, if she can catch it from you, and if you have other personal hygiene “surprises” she should be concerned about.

–       It’s better to be upfront with a femme telling her the real reasons why you don’t ask her out (whether they are financial, physical, health related or whatever) than to leave her wondering what’s wrong with her.

–       You don’t have to pay for everything when you go out with a femme. Some of us like to go 50/50. Some of us like to treat you.

–       If you tell a femme that you want to fuck her and slit her neck open to avenge some other butch, then don’t expect said femme to not think you are fucking nuts and keep talking to you.

–       Don’t tell a femme she has bad breath.

–       If a femme farts near you, you have two options: ignore it or pretend it smells like roses.

–       Don’t ask a femme out on a date in front of people.

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9 thoughts on “Memo To The Clueless Butch

  1. Jamie Ray says:

    Whew. Made it to the bottom of the list without finding any of my bad habits listed (forgot to hang up my coat, checked my stats while my girlfriend was talking to me, kissed the dog before I kissed my girlfriend, forgot to look in the mirror before going out). My clothes are only 1 size too big.

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