1. You aren’t really attracted to her but consider pity sex because she has a sappy story.
2. She is too much drama.
3. She lacks in the personal hygiene department.
4. She is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more into you than you are into her.
5. She is or should be in recovery.
6. She has anger management issues.
7. She is married, in a committed relationship, has a girlfriend or is otherwise taken.
8. She wears Crocs.
9. Sexually speaking, she’s a little bit country and you are a lot more rock’n’roll.
10. She doesn’t want to use dental dams, finger cots or condoms. She doesn’t want to boil her cock either. RUN.
11. She thinks you are an annoying, clueless, piece of work AND doesn’t have the balls to tell you to your face. Move on, chica. She doesn’t deserve your cuca.
12. A mutual friend or acquaintance fixed you up. (A) What’s wrong with you? How come you don’t meet butches on your own? (B) What are your mutual friend’s intentions? Is she trying to make you happy or eliminate her competition?
13. She talks about making love and you talk about fucking. Nothing wrong with that other than semantics and the fact that you won’t be able to get rid of her easily.
14. She hasn’t had sex in 10 years. Again, nothing wrong with that but you won’t be able to get rid of her easily.
15. She just got divorced, thinks you are next wife material, and plans the first 5 years of your lives together. Before your first date. RUN.
16. She does Sales for a living. I repeat: she does Sales for a living. Sales people are used to rejection and really don’t take no for an answer. Stay away from this one or you really won’t be able to get rid of her.
17. She hasn’t done her homework. Quoting from my butch femme matchmaker profile: “(Looking for) Someone who doesn’t live on Facebook.” I have also written extensively about my “allergy” to butches who spend more time marking their territory online than holding a femme’s hand in real life. What certain stone butch did regardless: posting non-stop funny, cute, inspirational, sexy, flirty, just because photos on my FB wall for weeks. BARF.
18. She counts down the days till you have sex again and keeps you posted via text message daily. What are you, 15?
19. She tells you she *gasp* doesn’t own a strap-on because she’s never needed one.
20. She questions your sexuality when you say you like using sex toys and being fucked with a strap.
21. She is going to show you how to make love because, you know, at your age, no matter how many or how long your previous relationships were, you surely cannot know what making love is. BARF.
22. She throws your sexual history on your face whenever you say no to something and uses pathetic excuses to justify her outbursts.
23. She’s not in her 20s, she’s not a student, she’s not going to The Land, but she wants you to sleep on an AeroBed.
24. She doesn’t know who kd lang is.
25. She isn’t kd lang.