35 Things I Learned Last Year


1. The difference between a hot weather skin rash and bed bug bites. Only in NYC would a butch with bed bugs expect me to jump in her bed!

2. I need a Haagen Dazs mint chip ice cream intervention.

3. I need a gym Daddy to kick my ass back to the gym and keep me motivated.

4. I’m a sucker for care packages addressed to: “María, Queen of the Universe” and Xmas cards addressed to “María, my/our favorite femme”.

5. A brilliant excuse to get rid of a butch: telling her you are a top in bed and strap on (didn’t use it myself, but still freaking awesome!).

6. That every day is International Femme Appreciation Day.

7. I. Can’t. Date. A. Granola. Butch. I just can’t.

8. I am blessed with great friends who keep me sane and send the best care packages ever.

9. If a person doesn’t want to see me happy, she’s not my friend.

10. I put way too much pressure on myself when it comes to relationships. For instance, for me it makes sense not to get into a relationship because I have credit card debt, but there are femmes out there who owe hundreds of thousands to the IRS and have no problems in going from one relationship to the next letting the butch pay for everything!

11. El coño me domina.

12. I love lazy Saturdays in bed watching TV and eating ice cream all by myself.

13. To put the haters on mute.

14. “The quicker you obey, the quicker Master can release what she has for you” (not really new, but I got a nice reminder).

15. Whore shoes belong in the bedroom. LGBT Pride BBQ at Gracie Mansion and Stonewall back to back in 5 inch heels? Never again!

16. Lesbophobia is alive and well in NYC.

17. I don’t get the Bitstrips craze. Another way to fuel most people’s delusions? Like, seriously, are we all super cool, skinny teens now?

18. Everybody is fucking busy in this city and seeing your friends is a fucking project sometimes.

19. Making new, somewhat local friends is harder than dating.

20. I need a confetti intervention and should be banned from Party City for life.

21. I’m the only femme with balls around here. A few of us learned about a delusional butch who was going around telling people she was dating femmes who wouldn’t touch her with a 20-foot pole and I’m the only one who called her on her shit and stopped talking to her.

22. I have no sense of humor because I don’t appreciate my mother’s sending me PowerPoints or videos of naked men (oh my… triple eye roll).

23. Science is one cold hearted bitch with a 14 inch strap on! (I finally caught up on Dexter).

24. Lesbians who don’t like labels give me the heebie jeebies sometimes. Like this woman who emails me saying she’s read my blog, is coming to NYC, wants me to recommend her some places, and feels the need to tell me twice that she doesn’t like labels. If you don’t like labels, why are you wasting your precious time emailing a femme writer? Google or pick up a copy of Go magazine once you are here to know where mainstream lesbians go and leave me alone.

25. We were corrective raped, lobotomized, institutionalized, sent to prison, and even killed to have the right to love and marry other women. I refuse to stop using the word “lesbian” to refer to myself or any other “gay women”.

26. I’ll never understand why butches and femmes who are not happy don’t get out of bad relationships. Even in New York where it’s so hard to find and afford your own apartment.

27. I’m tired of having to come out every day.

28. I’m tired of stupid comments like “but you don’t look like a dyke/lesbian” (depending on the country). It makes me sick when someone says it as if it was a compliment.

29. Some butches are terrible at oral sex. No sense of clit, no rhythm whatsoever.

30. I need to stop taking in “broken birds” (I keep giving second chances to butches and femmes in our community who no one else wants to deal with).

31. I’m very lucky to be able to express what I want in the bedroom. Many femmes are afraid to say what they want in bed and/or negotiate because they don’t want to be labeled as sluts or rejected.

32. The horror! The horror! My dating/love/sex life has been totally shaped by the Spice Girls: If you want my future, forget my past. If you wanna get with me, better make it fast. Now don’t go wasting my precious time… Get your act together, we could be just fine.

33. 3 mojitos and I’m yours. Shhhhhh.

34. To be careful what I wish for because I always get it.

35. I want a butch, a dog, three daughters, and a blue-eyed-girl elf on the shelf.

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3 thoughts on “35 Things I Learned Last Year

  1. Lee says:

    Not to blow my own horn, which I really do not, but I am glad you stated SOME butches do not know how to perform oral sex…I know how to…anyways funny as almost always. ” confetti intervention ” ha ha ha. I should not invite you to birthdays…lol. Too much confetti cleaning afterwards. I am still looking for a nice attractive, sexy femme that will wear “whore” shoes and Hello Kitty panties to excite me.

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