Red Flags We Keep Ignoring 2


I don’t have the heart to make you wait for the rest of the list till next month. So here it is – conveniently split into 2 additional blog posts to make it easy to read.

51. She has an elevated tension level consistently. Tries to paint her inability to relax as a positive character trait.

52. She sucks up to your friends and tries to become buddies with them. I’m not saying she is being nice to them. I mean trying to establish her own close relationships with them. In the beginning, this can be easily mistaking as something nice (“she wants to be part of my life”), but in fact it means she either (a) wants to have better control over you and/or prevent you prevent you from having someone to talk to about problems with her (mutual friends don’t want to get “caught in the middle”) or (b) has no friends of her own and is using you to improve her social life.

53. She enlists your friends and family to get you back after a fight or break up.

54. She sucks up to your ex behind your back. If you choose to confront her, she will try to fix it citing butch camaraderie, giving you puppy eyes, and saying she only reached out to your ex because she knows how hard it is out there for a butch who’s been dumped. The reality is that she probably just wanted to either (a) see if you and your ex are getting back together or (b) gather information about you.

55. She drinks more than a fish or is a dry drunk.

56. You assert some perfectly normal, basic right of yours and she acts very shocked and hurt, and tells you that you are very selfish. 99% of the time, when a butch tells you that you are selfish, it is because you refused to give in to some unreasonable, selfish demand of hers. She will try this with any aspect of life where you assert yourself as a separate independent person. Things like going back to school, having your own bank account, going out with your friends without her, etc. are “selfish” since they are not about her or her “needs.”

57. She tries to enlist your help in getting revenge on or publicly embarrassing her ex.

58. She uses you to establish her moral superiority i.e. their divorce isn’t finalized, the ex is sleeping with someone new and – even though you haven’t gone out on a date yet – she tells her ex that she is seeing you and hasn’t laid a finger on you out of respect for what they once had. BARF.

59. She breaks up with you for your own good, using excuses like “you will be miserable with me” or “you need to be free” or “you aren’t ready for sex.” Two minutes later she begs you to come back.

60. She does something really inconsiderate and/or discourteous, and no matter how calmly you try to talk to her about it, she just doesn’t seem to understand why you are hurt or upset. You find yourself having to explain concepts of basic courtesy to her. She insists that you are overreacting, being too sensitive, or uses some other implication that there must be something wrong with you. Even if she does apologize, you leave the conversation never really feeling like things were actually resolved. Never feeling like she really understood or accepted that her actions were inappropriate or hurtful.

61. She does something really inconsiderate and/or discourteous (not calling when she is running late, not getting out of the car to say hi to your friends, etc.) and, no matter how many times you talk about it, she keeps repeating the same behavior.

62. What she says and her behavior don’t add up. For instance, she keeps telling you she misses you, she wants to see you, you are the femme of her life, etc. but she keeps forgetting that you don’t drink coffee or at what time you get out of work.

63. Your life is expected to run on her schedule. You are expected to wake up when she does and go to bed when she does. If you stay up late or sleep in, she sulks or takes off without leaving any indication of where she has gone. She may “forget” the two of you made plans for that day or go do the activity you planned to do together, with someone else.

64. Something about her creeps out or unnerves your friends or family members.

65. She leaves a party or function you went to with her without telling you (or anyone else) she is leaving or where she is going.

66. She drops subtle or not-so-subtle hints about how “perfect” she thinks she is, or what a great catch others have said she is, and how “lucky” you are to have her.

67. She never really talks about any exes but does blame everything on them (they cheated, they had a drug problem, they were with her only for her money, etc.).

68. She tells you that her ex and/or friends think the two of you won’t last (lame trick to hook you into trying to prove her wrong).

69. She has no relationship with her exes and doesn’t understand why given that she’s a great catch. She plays the victim: she was so good to all the femmes in her life and all of them were unappreciative nutjobs.

70. You find through the grapevine that her exes want nothing to do with her.

71. She is uncomfortable with you talking to her exes.

72. She is uncomfortable with you talking to any of the femmes who have allegedly thrown themselves at her.

73. She goes to a movie, play or concert that you expressed an interest in seeing, with someone else – deliberately timing it so that you were unavailable to attend.

74. She begs you to go to a movie, play or concert and ditches you for her friends the moment you arrive.

75. She makes joking insults about you in front of others and/or in front of you.

76. She blames all her previous relationship failures on the femmes she was with. She complains how they were unstable, insensitive or just didn’t understand her. If she does admit that she fucked things up, she is quick to point out that if her ex had been the “right” person for her, she wouldn’t have allowed her to fuck it up.

77. She seems like “a challenge,” or a “diamond in the rough.”

78. She talks about looking for a “soul mate” or “someone to complete me.”

79. She warns you about her previous bad behavior (drug abuse, cheating, domestic violence, etc.), and indicates that she is “working” on it, but is not “healed” yet. She implies that maybe only you can really understand and help her overcome her past, but she isn’t sure. This leaves her an “I warned” option when she does act out again.

80. She never apologizes when she fucks up or she apologizes without committing to not do it again.

81. She fucks up in some way and instead of apologizing she says you were the cause of her bad behavior because you somehow triggered her or pushed her dysfunctional buttons. She may say you remind her of her abusive father.

82. She remembers every mistake you ever made and brings them up long after you apologized (and made reparation) in order to justify her bad behavior OR she uses those old hurts as excuses for her “depression.”

83. She has a completely different recollection of “events” than you have, and insists that you are the one that has the faulty memory. Especially events where she acted inappropriately.

84. She has no butch/femme friends or acquaintances.

85. She has no friends. Period.

86. She has people she calls “friends” but she very rarely (or never) calls them, goes out with them or does anything with them.

87. She mentions how much she hates her father or a friend, yet talks to them every day on the phone.

88. Her “friends” are total flakes, potheads, and emotionally disturbed people.

89. She abandons her current “friends” at the beginning of your relationship and practically never sees them. She never does anything with them anymore – she is completely focused on YOU.

90. She is spineless. Lets you do whatever you want to do. Never says no to you.

91. She doesn’t take responsibility for her behavior: everything is someone else’s fault and she blames all adult mistakes on her parents or some childhood trauma.

92. She rarely thanks you when you do something nice for her. She has a sense of entitlement, like the world owes her something.

93. She gets annoyed if you want to spend time with anyone else but her, won’t let you have your own friends and starts gradually cutting you off from them.

94. She says she doesn’t need any friends except for you.

95. She is a pig in her own place, but expects that the “right femme” will help her fix it up and keep it clean.

96. She is proud of the fact she’s never done her laundry because she’s always had a femme to do it.

97. She takes offense if you point out the closest dry-cleaners.

98. She seems like a “lost puppy” in need of care. (Get help for yourself for even being attracted.)

99. She is on the rebound – i.e. less than 1.5 years after a major breakup from a long-term relationship.

TO BE CONTINUED

If you enjoyed this post, please share it so other folks can see it, too.
If you think A Femme in NYC is kind of cool, you can easily stay informed by signing up to receive an email notification each time I post a new blog entry. Just type your email address in the “Email Subscription” box and click “Sign me up!”
If you think I’m cool, please click here to make a donation and help me achieve my life dream of being a kept femme.
Advertisements

One thought on “Red Flags We Keep Ignoring 2

  1. JstJae says:

    Hi,I must say ure honesty and insight to the complications of being involved with ppl who didn’t realise or refused to admit their shortcumings,made me realise,how much I lack,and how easily it could be corrected,thnx for telling it as it is,and emphising the level at which something healthy fuctions,I understand a lot more of the situations I’ve been in,and how it was doomed frm the start…Keep it up,Enjoy

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s