Red Flags We Keep Ignoring 3

100. She is with someone else and she falls for you. It may seem very flattering, but she’ll only do the same thing to you later.

101. She wants to get married before you have known each other for more than 1-2 years and haven’t even lived together yet.

102. She starts doing things incongruent with the butch you thought you first got to know. People are always on their best behavior during the “courtship” phase. If that behavior starts to degrade and change into little nasty digs, lies, or other forms of abuse, ditch her before it gets worse. Don’t wait around hoping the butch you first fell in love with is going to resurface – that was obviously a false image designed to hook you.

103. She takes pride in how she screwed over her ex financially in the divorce.

104. She takes pride on how she let her ex walk all over her in the divorce “because it was the right thing to do.”

105. She ignores any financial agreement the two of you had – such as splitting the rent and bills when you first moved in together .

106. She insists that you remain financially independent and then complains when you can’t afford the same level of entertainment and travel than she.

107. She seems “too good to be true” – she probably is (not true, that is).

108. She is constantly “down” and has a long list of excuses: her back hurts, she doesn’t get enough light, you are keeping her awake at night to have sex so she doesn’t get enough sleep, she hasn’t had enough to eat that day, etc.

109. She sleeps constantly. In fact, she uses her need for sleep as a regular excuse to miss meals, butch/femme outings, and even quit her job.

110. She suffers from some kind of chronic pain, such as back pain or fibromyalgia, but refuses to get any treatment for it, and then uses it as an excuse for why she is irritable, inconsiderate or nasty and even for when she isn’t able to hold on to any jobs for more than 2 weeks.

111. She continually rejects your ideas for things to do, places to go, etc.

112. She “forgets” critical things that she has known for years, like the fact that you don’t like tomatoes in your salad or are allergic to strawberries.

113. You clearly and openly state your expectations and needs, in a calm and caring fashion, and she tells you that you are being “controlling” or “manipulative” or “too sensitive.”

114. She tells snide joking insults about you in front of others. If you complain, she says it was all in fun and you are just being “too sensitive.”

115. You are moving out of the infatuation phase and find yourself having to constantly reassure her that you love her and will be there, simply because you are no longer spending every waking minute (outside of work) with her. She continually complains about the lack of “intensity” in your relationship and implies that you are the one responsible for not keeping it up.

116. She used to be completely interested in anything you had to say and now starts showing disinterest in topics that interest you, to the point of rudeness. She complains that you don’t talk about her enough, listen to her enough, or are interested in anything she is interested in.

117. You have to keep proving yourself worthy of her attention or love. You get attention withdrawn if you ask for responsible behavior or in any way indicate that you were not happy with something she did.

118. She tells you many or all of her deep dark secrets. Early on it seems like she is really sensitive and opening up to you. This is often a tactic that manipulators use to get you to think that you are so special that they can only open up like that to you. They do it with everyone and they do it to “cover” for their previous bad behavior. If she cheated on her ex, stole money from her, sent her to the hospital… and tells you about, it must mean that she is working on her issues and won’t do it to you. Though she never actually says it, she implies it heavily. The goal is to cover her tracks in case anyone else tries to warn you – giving her the advantage of having already told you her version of the events before someone else can get to you. The fact of telling you about a past bad behavior will also became a great caveat/excuse if she does the same thing to you in the future (i.e. “I told you I was a cheater/manipulator/beater and was trying to change”) the implication being that you just weren’t special enough, after all, or you weren’t trying hard enough to help her change.

119. She continuously wants to discuss “the relationship,” is always finding problems or faults with it, and/or starts blaming you for all the relationship problems.

120. She puts on a very different demeanor, a different persona, when at work or with another group of people. I’m not talking about her being in the closet. This one is about her being a chameleon depending on who she is with instead of being one “real” person. She tells different versions of her life, her histories don’t match and, when questioned, she gets defensive and insists that she just has many faces to her personality and you just don’t fully get her.

121. Her life is ambiguous. You never really feel like you “know” her. You may meet her family once, and friends occasionally, but you always feel like she’s hiding something. She never explains any of her past in detail. And, if she does, it’s only when she is explaining her way out of something (i.e. “I’m the victim and here is why”).

122. She is in the closet. Period.

123. As soon as gay marriage is legalized, she is in a hurry to get married to become the first lesbian couple to get married in your state. You don’t need to buy a dress. You don’t need to invite your family. You don’t need a honey moon. You don’t even need to move in together. She just wants a piece of paper saying you got married to open her a door to local networks, radio & TV stations, LGBT magazines, etc.

124. First date and she already talks about marriage and kids. Not as a plan for her own life, but as in “you and I are getting married and having 5 kids. It will be fun. You’ll see.”

125. After only one or two dates, she gets overly possessive calling you constantly, sending you gifts at the office or showing up at your workplace.

126. She has long history of getting involved with losers, deadbeats, drug addicts. She is known for making excuses for their absence in butch/femme outings.

127. She still lives with her parents or her whole social life revolves around them.

128. She still calls her mother every time she has to make a major life decision.

129. She says things like “you’re everything to me” or I can’t live without you.”

130. Everyone hates her: your friends, your parents, even your dog.

131. She can’t hold on to a job for more than three months.

132. She shows signs of penny-pinching. For example, she makes 10 times your salary but only takes you to the movies because she has a coupon, won’t even buy popcorn, eats out of your container all night, and insists on sharing your soda. She won’t even go out for a beer after the movie. Her clothes are ten years old or more.

133. She uses money to win influence and/or get attention, not because she is genuinely altruistic or generous in nature. For instance, she drops hundreds or thousands of dollars on “donations” to the Audre Lorde Project, the LGBT Center, the Susan G. Komen Foundation, etc. so she can get VIP status at their events and get listed on the events’ programs, but won’t buy a $5 McMenu for the homeless guy outside McDonald’s.

134. She goes out of her way to be rude and condescending to wait staff and gets a kick out of their discomfort.

135. She downplays all the unwritten rules normal people follow when dating. She complains that femmes always make butches jump through hoops. She focuses on these two issues for most of her conversations in the first few dates. Her way of getting around the rules is to repeat: “ours isn’t a conventional relationship. We’re not like all of those other people out there who have to have boundaries.”

136. When you say you need space, she gets mad and says: “well, I thought we had a relationship WITHOUT boundaries…”

137. Heated arguments about trivial things (i.e. your tone when saying “baby,” failure to catch a blown kiss) arise out of nowhere and just as easily they disappear. After which, she is super apologetic about things you both should change.

138. She says “my mother doesn’t even like me.” Run.

139. She says her own mother called the cops on her. RUN FOR THE FREAKING HILLS!

140. She has a history of trouble with the law, bar fights, destroying property, etc.

141. She loves it when you get in a fight with your mother/father/sister/friends.

142. She says she is still single at 49 because femmes scare her and she wanted to wait for the right femme who would understand her sensitive heart. BARF.

143. She is on a labor intensive, esoteric diet that has to be endlessly catered to. She expects you to do the groceries, cook, and pack every meal for her. If she doesn’t get the results she wants, she blames you.

144. She has a medical condition, such as diabetes, and refuses to take adult responsibility for sticking with diet, medication, and exercise.

145. She has an active addiction or a medical psychiatric condition such as bipolar disorder and follows a treatment plan just long enough to look good and get you to move in with her. Once you have moved in or started a family with her, she resumes her addiction or goes off the psych medications. If you are dating a butch who discloses a history of addiction or a major psych medical disorder, adherence to treatment and medication should be required and going off the medication should be a deal breaker.

146. She is highly responsible, but only because she comes from a dysfunctional family and was groomed to be rescuer/strong person of the family. Unless she has years of therapy to break the cycle, you run the risk of your own relationship and home turning into a non-stop board and care facility, bail/bond agency, bank, etc. for some family member or friend in crisis needing to crash on your couch, borrow some money, etc.

147. She has a history of dating straight-till-I-met-you, wannabe-femme women who run to their bio-male exes after they break up.

148. You are afraid to break up with her or bring up things that bother you because you don’t know how she will react.

149. You are afraid to break up with her or bring up things that bother you because you know she will hit you.

150. You made it to the end of this post thinking it’s your fault that your butch does any of the above things.

THE END (for now).

6 thoughts on “Red Flags We Keep Ignoring 3

  1. 151. Her personal ad photo is 20 years out of date AND blurry.
    152. During your first meeting she blows her nose on a paper napkin and puts it back down on the restaurant table.
    153. Despite being very masculine and only dating femmes, she agrees to a first meeting (for which you took off a 1/2 day from work, cleaned your car, and primped) only to inform you that she “isn’t into the butch-femme thing” and “hates labels.”
    154. She never thanks you for treating her to brunch during that first meeting.

  2. LMAO wow Barbara now see this is why I don’t do the online thing anymore- I can’t deal with that crap! And I’ve had all the things you describe. Oh and let’s add:
    154: she passes gas in front of you on purpose and then laughs hysterically. If you are repulsed and not delighted you are the one who doesn’t have a sense of humor. Big BARF!

  3. #155. Although you and she both traded information regarding your respective chronic illnesses right at the start, she decides to only disclose her mental illnesses to you in parts over time one of which she doesn’t disclose until you have been together for six months.
    #156. She has Asperger’s.

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