How To Tell When A Butch Likes You Too Much


1. You feel she is rushing you into seeing/dating/fucking her.

2. You get a “something is up and not in a good way” gut feeling when she is around you.

3. You haven’t gone out on a first date and her friends already act funny around you (am I the only one who doesn’t want to relive her high school years?)

4. She wants the first date to last forever. This clearly is a problem only if you have realized during dinner that you are not into her after all and want to get out of there ASAP.

5. You haven’t been on more than 2 dates and she has already planned your next vacation and made plans for you to meet her parents and friends (again, this clearly is a problem if you are not on the same page and don’t see yourself going on a third date with her).

6. You are just friends and she keeps trying to get you to meet her parents, friends, and coworkers because “they are going to love you.”

7. She lingers. You are always the one having to say goodbye when on the phone or texting, after a date or a friendly get together for dinner, a movie, going to a museum… she always finds an excuse to extend your time together.

8. She wants to see you. Always comes up with ideas to do things together that at first seem innocent (walking and sightseeing around the city, coffee, shopping, her graduation party…) but then you feel stuck with her (see #7) and even guilty (such a bad friend!) if you can’t see her that day.

9. She really wants to see you. She jumps the gun and takes everything you say as an invitation for lunch/dinner or spend time together.

10. She REALLY wants to see you. You are just friends, you talk about the stone butch you are dating or the butch you are crushing on, and she keeps blurting things like “I love you, I’m sure you love me too, you just don’t want to admit it to yourself,” “one day you’re going to open your eyes and see what you need is right in front of you,” “I think we make a great couple,” or “slow and steady wins the race.”

11. She doesn’t want you to be somewhere having fun without her. She needs to be included in EVERYTHING. If you are going out with your friends, to a surprise birthday party for someone she barely knows, out of town with your butch for the weekend… she makes sure you know how upset she is because you or the person who planned it didn’t invite her.

12. She uses self-deprecation to fish for compliments. When later on you remind her that you are not into her, she will bring up the nice things you said trying to cheer her up as conformation of your feelings for her (“see? You are into me, you just don’t want to admit it to yourself”). Barf.

13. She flip-flops based on what you tell her and what she thinks may get her hands up your dress. One day she is a bottom, the next day she is a top. One day she is not into BDSM, the next she is a mean top with a long line of femmes wanting to bottom for her (barf). One day she only uses her hands and tongue, the next she and her strap on are one. One day she doesn’t like pizza, the next she is a Two Boots fanatic. One day she doesn’t want kids, the day after she wants to have 6.

14. She shows up at your house or workplace unannounced.

15. She reads your blog/books, thinks you may like this or that based on what she has read, does it, and points it out to you to awkwardly show you she is into you and a great catch. Example: a butch who didn’t have the balls to ask me out bought some perfume I had mentioned on the FAQ tab and felt the need to bring it up each time I saw her at butch/femme gatherings during the Summer. Not sure if she was expecting me to take off my panties and beg her to fuck me right there (*triple eye roll*), but her master plan actually backfired.

16. She knows you are not into her, tells you not to be mad, and says she has shown your photo to her friends and they all agree she should “hit that.”

17. You see photos of the butch you can’t stop talking about or the butch you are dating on her iPhone. Creepy!

18. She diminishes your feelings for other butches, points out other butches’ flaws, and tells you your past relationships can’t have been healthy or good for you… because you weren’t with her. Barf.

19. She throws the Butch Code and common decency out of the window. She has her eyes set on you and won’t respect normal time/space boundaries after you have lost a loved one. She doesn’t care if you just got out of a relationship, divorced, diagnosed with cancer, lost your husbutch to cancer or going through another major life change. If you are married or partnered, instead of recommending couples’ counseling and keeping a respectable distance, she encourages you to stray… with her.

20. She pushes/rushes you to get over your ex not because you deserve better, but because she wants you to be with her.

21. She says or does things that make you think she is spending way too much time thinking about you. Like preparing your astral chart, buying scented oils for some moon ritual she thinks you need, cooking organic brownies for you…

22. She buys you stuff out of the blue and without a valid reason like your birthday or the holidays. It’s one thing to take turns paying for dinner or let her pay for dinner being that she is the butch. But if she starts buying you Broadway tickets, Michael Kors handbags, cruises around Manhattan, and other expensive shit… when you are just friends… she is clearly trying to buy your love and at some level she must think her personality is not enough to make you fall for her.

23. She goes borderline psycho: tells other people you are throwing yourself at her, tells the butch you are seeing that you two are dating or sleeping together, verbally abuses you because you won’t sleep with her (that can be anything from trying to slut-shame you to accusing you of being a racist or only sleeping with butches who are filthy rich)… RUN. Run away and go no contact because it will only escalate and get worse from there.

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3 thoughts on “How To Tell When A Butch Likes You Too Much

  1. Pau says:

    Well, maybe if a butch does go out of hand like what you enumerated, maybe the femme can just be frank and dump her? I doubt she would continue any further if you have expressed that you’re just friends.

    • María Lapachet says:

      There are butches (and femmes!) who don’t take no for an answer, believe me. Besides, how do you “dump” someone who is just a friend or acquaintance? I have learned the hard way to keep my distance from someone who shows two or more of the above behaviors. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not a complete asshole. But if someone is giving me a bad vibe, I know now that I can walk away and I don’t owe them an explanation.

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