Why Am I Still Single? I’m SO Glad You Asked

I’m getting to that age when people start wondering what is wrong with me, why am I still single when I’m such a good catch on paper. I’m still single:

65. Because New York is the best city in the world to be single.
64. Because love was meant for beauty queens.
63. Because I don’t need/want a butch to be my everything or “complete” me.
62. Because I can’t be everything for someone else.
61. Because the gym gets my endorphins flowing.
60. Because my sofa + a bag of fun-size kit kats + binge watching Disney movies half naked make me happy.
59. Because I don’t like my own family and I don’t feel like putting up with someone else’s.
58. Because she spends every single free second of her life with her family.
57. Because I don’t want to carry someone else’s emotional baggage.
56. Because I date one butch at a time. As in “one butch only and not one butch + her ex in the back seat of her car or living in the same house + her codependent best friend + her self-hurting sister + her alcoholic father + her lowlife cousin)
55. Because she is dating seven other femmes and can’t remember my name during dinner.
54. Because she has never been with a femme before and is afraid to touch me.
53. Because she was late to Henrietta’s and I met an asshole while I waited for her.
52. Because she doesn’t have the balls to ask me out.
51. Because she asked me to marry her on the first date.
50. Because she is a sloppy kisser.
49. Because she was afraid to make a move and a butch who was watching slipped me her number on my way back from the bathroom.
48. Because 80% of my “happily partnered” friends are deeply miserable and stuck in bad or sexless relationships.
47. Because she doesn’t understand it when I say I’m going into lockdown to write.
46. Because she gets offended when I say I need ME time.
45. Because I don’t have time or energy to play detective and oh so many butches today expect you to police them (check their phones, hack their email, manage their Facebook) and think you are not truly into them if you don’t.
44. Because she lives on Facebook and I prefer real life.
43. Because she takes too many selfies.
42. Because she is a pushover.
41. Because I have my shit too together to deal with someone else’s problems.
40. Because I don’t have my shit together and I don’t want to be a burden to someone else.
39. Because everything she does or says annoys me.
38. Because I don’t feel like waxing, getting a mani & pedi, buying a dress, matching shoes and accessories… to end up feeling like a moron because she wasn’t really into me/asked me out to do a friend a favor.
37. Because The Travelling Butch is still in the picture.
36. Because The Travelling Butch is out of the picture.
35. Because timing is never right.
34. Because she is a people pleaser.
33. Because I’ve had my share of unhealthy attractions.
32. Because I’ve had my share of cray cray butches who don’t take no for an answer.
31. Because I don’t know what I want.
30. Because she doesn’t know what she wants.
29. Because she has the craziest, unhealthiest, most manipulative friends ever – and I don’t want any part of that.
28. Because she is sick and I can’t be her caregiver from the get go (Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt).
27. Because no one has morals anymore.
26. Because no one has manners anymore.
25. Because I have no sense of humor.
24. Because she doesn’t have a sense of humor.
23. Because she wants me to be her sushi on the side.
22. Because my magic wand doesn’t care what I’m wearing.
21. Because some mornings I wake up channeling Britney Spears, dance half naked or in my hot mess red velvet pants around the house singing to the top of my lungs. Not a pretty sight, believe me.
20. Because I like it kinky and rough and some butches don’t even know how to work their strap-ons.
19. Because I want to get married, adopt a dog, have kids, and a white picket fence house (or an apartment in Harlem or the Village) and that scares butches away.
18. Because I don’t put up with the bullshit other femmes put up with and that scares butches away.
17. Because I have a high sex drive and that makes butches uneasy and paranoid.
16. Because she doesn’t know how to handle me.
15. Because she read this blog/my books before the first date, chickened out, and cancelled.
14. Because she didn’t read this blog before the first date (yes, princess expects a butch to open the door for her {it shows you care, put some goddamn effort, goddamn it!}).
13. Because she has the Butch in Shinning Armor Complex and, even when in a crisis, I’m not wired to ask for help.
12. Because I work 50-60 hours a week and some nights I don’t want to be bothered – not even texting back.
11. Because I’m unemployed, can’t afford to get waxed, and don’t want anyone to see my jayjay looking like the Black Forest.
10. Because sometimes all I want to do is go out partying, pick someone up at a bar, bring her back home, and show her the door after we are done.
9. Because sometimes I like to spend all Saturday in bed in my pjs watching The Walking Dead reruns, eating, and making out without actually having sex.
8. Because she has too many issues.
7. Because I have too many issues.
6. Because our priorities don’t align.
5. Because unless she uses the word “date” I’m assuming she just wants to hang out as friends and once I’ve friendzoned her there’s no way to put her back on my Datable/Fuckable Butches list.
4. Because the butch/femme world in NYC is very high school and I don’t know how to navigate it.
3. Because butches lie. Because femmes lie. Because I’m a 2×4 femme who doesn’t know she’s being lied to till it’s too late.
2. Because I haven’t met a butch who makes me want to stop sleeping with other butches.
1. Because I love myself. I enjoy my own company. Regardless of external circumstances, I’m happy and secure. I have a healthy dose of self-esteem that allows me to not put up with certain behaviors or look the other way when a butch royally fucks up.