– when your last bout of summer cold, allergies or Ebola has you looking like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the butch sitting next to you at the laundromat “sees” you (take me now, Lord!).
– when your LGBTQ friends push you to date other femmes, transguys, bisex women… you know, because you are “too uptight” and your dating pool is “too small.” Barf.
– when you get out of the city for a day and end up bringing an extra tote bag or even a trolley to carry the Kindle or a book, water, some munchies, your contact lenses’ paraphernalia, your prescription glasses in case you need to take out your contacts, your camera, the iPhone charger, gifts for a friend, the fancy shoes you’ll wear instead of the flip-flops you are wearing on the train… Triple all of that if we are talking about going to Fire Island (when did I become an old bag lady?!).
– when you are sitting with 3 femmes, there are 6 empty seats and a group of butches go to another table (what are we, chopped liver now?).
– when you color your hair at home and you completely mess up your hair line leaving you with the dichotomy: do I cancel tonight’s date or do I go out looking like Teresa Giudice?
– when people mistake your being kind, polite or shy with your being stupid.
– when aggressive femmes keep hitting on you online (can’t they read my “what I’m looking for” description?!!!!!).
– when a butch you may or may not like gives you the “you are into WHAT?” look/speech when BDSM comes up.
– when a butch who is not even into BDSM keeps telling you she doesn’t see you as a “real” bottom/submissive because you have your shit together in real life (excuse me, since when being a doormat is a prerequisite to being submissive in a relationship or the bedroom?).
– when a butch proudly explains you her silent treatment MO to get in a femme’s panties and acts all surprised and even offended when her infallible method doesn’t work with you. Barf.
– when you like a shy bunny, you are told you have to be the aggressor, and then you discover she’s seeing other femmes (sorry, not sorry: I don’t chase and I don’t compete).
– when the butch you like keeps not too subtly hinting that she is not into you by pushing her single friends on you.
– when the butch you like puts all her time and energy on wooing, dining, and wining you… only to go back to her ex 2 days later.
– when a butch refuses to believe you have friendzoned her.
– when a stone butch tells you the 3 words no femme wants to hear: “you look tired.”
– when other femmes want to get you involved in their drama and, since you won’t give in, they start talking shit about you (do I address this in real life or do I let it go?).
– when you wake up disappointed because there is no butch dancing in all her gorgeous butch glory for you at the feet of your bed (you know, like in the dream you just woke up from).
– when you have 6 white dresses but no white party to go to.
– when you pay $73 to get your bikini line waxed and keep waiting for kd lang to appear with a band of mariachis and a confetti explosion (I mean, seriously, seventy three fucking dollars!)
– when you pay $73 to get your bikini line waxed and your period comes 2 weeks early.
– when you go get waxed, ask for a bikini line and leave the place in tears because they’ve left you with a patch roughly the size of a cherry above your clit and the rest of your cuca looks like a plucked chicken.
– when a femme hits on you repeatedly despite your clearly being only into butches and having told her to knock it off.
– when a femme (who was supposed to be your friend) has a crush on you, can’t get over the fact that you have a play date with a butch, and calls the asshole who treated you like shit (her words, not mine) to have dinner with her behind your back, waits 4 days to tell you, and then thinks a simple “I hope you don’t mind, I just want to have more friends in NYC, are you ok?” text message will fix it.
– when said femme further tries to fix it with the ugliest apology card ever (I was like “take a big step back and, literally, FUCK YOUR OWN FACE“).
– when you forget all you learned years ago and waste time, energy, and money on someone who is clearly not worth your time, energy, and money.
– when femmes keep telling you to chase butches around and give you shit because they aren’t on board with your “if a butch wants to see you, she will see you” motto.
– when a femme keeps telling you to throw yourself at the butch she is already seeing on the side. Barf.
– when you are sitting next to someone who has absolutely no filter, is telling you personal stuff about people you don’t even know, and you can’t get up and leave because you don’t want to be rude.
– when a femme talks your ear off, cries on your shoulder, promises to never talk to some fucktarded butch ever again and then runs back to her (triple eye rolling here).
– when the best friend of a femme you just met talks shit about her and you don’t know if you should give a heads up to the other femme or just walk away from their drama.
– when a butch gives you shit over sleeping with an AG because aggressives try to treat her like a femme and all she wants to do is fuck them so that they know who the real aggressive is (huh? Leave me out of it, I just want to have some NSA fun).
– when you sleep with a young bunny who barely speaks English and she is not getting that you only slept with her because she looks like kd lang and you are out of there.
– when your friends are bigger sluts than you are and you need a chart to keep track of their butches.
– when a butch checks you out on the matchmaker and you wonder if you logged out before reading her profile the night before.
– when you must rethink your entire outfit because it’s snowing.
– when you write something like this, go to bed, and wake up to 15 voice messages and 30 emails from your friends and everyone is tripping because they think you got back with your ex.
– when a newly single butch or femme who hasn’t talked to you in years now wants to be your new best friend or, worse, get in your bed.
– when you want to make a garlic butter sauce and you burn the butter before you have a chance to throw in the garlic (yes, I’m taking “domestically challenged” to a whole new level, you all!).
– when a narcissist butch or femme tries to indirectly involve you in her smear campaign against her ex through a mutual friend who is not even aware she’s being used to spread the narcissist’s lies and bullshit (not my first butch/femme rodeo, dahlin’. SO staying out of this one!)
– when everyone is so vain they think your last blog post is about them.