36 Things I Learned Last Year

1. To not cheat on my hair stylist ever again.

2. (After almost chopping off my middle finger trying to open one, I finally learned) to let butches handle the champagne bottles.

3. There is no honor nor respect amongst femmes anymore. We all have fallen victim to this. So, trust me, I’m not pointing any fingers. I’m just taking notes and praying I’m not as fucked up as some femmes are when I’m their age.

4. I admire my femme friends who (just like me) need to be hugged or held and (unlike Miss Independent me) have no problem in saying so from day 1.

5. To channel my inner Suze Orman.

6. A butch who sends awkward private or text messages can be nicer than a butch with smooth comebacks who is really just a player.

7. My femme intuition never fails me. I just need to freaking start listening to it!

8. “Iyanla fix my life” is my new guilty pleasure.

9. Love will make you do some fucked up things. So does mental illness.

10. If you are ugly, you are ugly. No amount of makeup is going to fix that.

11. I have a thing for barely legal butches. Start saving for my bail, you all!

12. Moving to Harlem was the best decision ever!

13. The way I did it, was not. I need to learn to graciously accept help when people offer to paint my walls, give me a ride to Ikea to buy furniture, hang mirrors and frames for me, etc. In other words: I did it all on my own and I’m not moving again until 2036.

14. Red is my new color: dresses, skirts, tops, underwear, shoes, nail polish, bedroom’s walls… Love, love, LOVE me some red!

15. Grubhubbing pizza before leaving the office to have it delivered after I get home only works in my head.

16. Femmes who take back cheaters, pathological liars, and delusional hot messes get on my nerves. I don’t waste time and energy letting them vent or cry on my shoulder anymore. Fuck it if it makes me a bad friend: I’m putting my mental health first!

17. My life got 100% better when I cleared it of unnecessary distractions (see #3, #16, and throw some fucked-up butches & studs into the mix).

18. I’m really close to walking around with my tailor’s business cards to hand them out to butches who go out in public in oversized clothes thinking they look sharp and cool when they look like 5 year olds caught playing in their fathers’ closets. Not to mention that I have to really control my urges not to tell studs to pull up their pants. (Just put me in the loony bin already).

19. Sometimes being me is exhausting.

20. I need a WebMD intervention. I’m totally out of control: I diagnose myself, my friends, and their pets.

21. My long list of excuses not to date, my obsession with red flags, being so nitpicky was really me subconsciously not being ready to let go of the good thing I had going on with The Traveling Butch. I’m over it now.

22. I need to find a butch or stone butch who is not only a great person, but also a great fit for my life.

23. People have the weirdest preconceptions about me like that I’m the second coming of the Antichrist, a top (!) or too aggressive in day to day life to be submissive in the bedroom/let a butch take charge in a relationship, that I only date white butches, that I only date butches who are loaded (not the case, but I sure won’t be no one’s sugar mama), that I’m a home wrecker, that I go psycho on butches, that I’m cold or heartless… Go figure!

24. Some days my life sucks, but I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world.

25. Some butches are worse than dogs. Ruthless predators. And I’m blessed not to be fucked up enough for them to come after me. Even with all my flaws and all my problems, I’m not an easy prey. PTL!

26. Going to Taco Bell is now considered “hitting rock bottom.” Barf.

27. I must be the only femme who doesn’t send out naked pictures of herself. I’m not saying I don’t take them, just that they don’t leave my apartment and they are certainly not on my laptop/iPhone.

28. There’s something way worse than a butch who has an unrequited crush on you: a femme who has an unrequited crush on you.

29. To never eat with a butch who is going to brag about feeding me.

30. Other femmes keep their exes’ numbers on their phones and go through the list during dry spells to see who they can start seeing again.

31. I’m going through a princess phase.

32. I must be the only lesbian who doesn’t like sitting on a woman’s face. Like oh em gee. No, thank you. I can’t enjoy myself if I’m worried about breaking your neck.

33. My weeks run much more smoothly since I started preparing mason jar salads on Sunday nights.

34. I’m going to start not getting invited to places because I won’t talk to assholes who talked shit about me and, while I can play nice in the sand, if said assholes keep trying to start a conversation I will shut them down in front of everyone.

35. My friends never cease to amaze me. 2014 was a very emotionally draining year for most of us, yet they found time and energy to pick up the pieces, build me up, and help me grow.

36. That people I haven’t talked to in years go out of their way to read this blog/my books, leave negative reviews of both wherever they can, talk about me, block me on Facebook even when we were not Facebook friends… not sure if I should be concerned or flattered. All I know is that my inner Britney is dancing half naked in my bedroom: Love me! Hate me! Say what you want about me, but all of the boys & all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy.

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