As Bad As It May Be Sometimes


Sometimes I can be very superficial and evil. I’m not afraid of saying so myself, which in my head makes it ok. Last weekend I forwarded a pic of a stud to a friend telling her: “If this is all there is out there, I think I’ll pass and I’ll stick to my magic wand. I’m between the hair, the crazy eyes, and her spelling, I’m going to be in team single foreva”. My friend’s response made me sad and scared me: “Girl. That’s why I stay where I am. As bad as it may be sometimes”.

My friend is a butch who has been with a femme wannabe for years. Her live-in girlfriend doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t have a drinking problem, is not cheating on my friend (to our knowledge), has her own job and pays her own bills, doesn’t hit her or abuse her in anyway and we can say that their drama level is low (it comes and goes, but right now it is low). My friend just doesn’t love her… enough to give up her own place, ask her to marry her, or have children with her. Obviously, this is not fair for her girlfriend. But while she stays with her, my friend won’t meet The One either. That’s the sad part.

The scary part is that my friend is not the only one afraid of being alone in the butch/femme world. I know femmes who don’t mind being used as meal tickets, butches who don’t mind their femmes having one emotional affair after another, butches who settle for wannabe femmes who go out with their coworkers leaving them home alone because they are not out at work, femmes who put up with butches who drink more than a fish, femmes who work as their butches’ editors, translators, ghost writers, and one-woman PR agencies; butches who buy houses with femmes but spend their birthdays and the holidays alone because the femmes aren’t out to their families, butches and femmes who sit doing nothing while their partners start shopping around for their replacement with sappy stories about being misunderstood or in complicated relationships, femmes who look the other way while their butches have online or real life affairs with other femmes…. None of them has told me why they stay with their partners. I’m just assuming that, as bad as it may be sometimes, being single in NYC in 2015 is really hard to stomach for them.

Considering all of the above, I’m happy to be single on yet another Valentine’s Day. It may be easy for me to say because I’m only 36 and I feel I have all the time in the world to let The One find me (delusional much?), but, as of today, I’d rather be single than end up with a butch who is happy to have a good companion in me but who doesn’t love me, who (just like my friend and all of the above examples) goes through the motions, celebrates my birthday or the holidays with good gifts and a lot of hoopla; and who acts like a willing participant in couples routines and rituals, but deep down is with me only because, as bad as I may be sometimes, I make their life easier and putting up with me is better than being alone.

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6 thoughts on “As Bad As It May Be Sometimes

  1. Jay says:

    Wow! This one really resonates with me big time. Thank you for your honesty and openness, Maria.

    I am a single Stone Butch currently living in Australia, and I am pushing 45 (come June). I have been single for a very long time, due, mainly, to a lot of the points your mentioned above. And the fact that I won’t settle for less. Does it scare me a little to be a realist and think that I too may be single for the rest of my life – yes! And I am not afraid or ashamed to admit that. What can I say, I just know what I want and what I like … and finding a suitable Femme over is proving harder than trying to locate that proverbial needle in a hay stack.

    Hopefully one day the tides will turn for the both of us – but I won’t hold my breath.

    All the best to you Maria.

  2. jaebravado2015 says:

    Its always refreshing to read something so truthful…it makes more sense to know your worth and act accordingly,than to compromise and diminish,what should be celebrated.
    I can’t seem to be satisfied with the “magic”/passion/connection being absent from relationships,thus being single works better,than becoming lethargic in something that’s already reached its expiry date.I think your blog is good for femmes and other woman who identify on similar levels,to see beyond the smoke and mirrors and restore/correct what became slightly stale with time..Looking forward to reading more of your posts.
    Your blog has put the sparkle back in femme
    Keep well.

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