aka Maria please make this anonymous. (All you all are so cute!)
One of my friends met a cute femme on match.com. They talked for about two weeks when they decided to go out. She liked the femme so she stopped at the florist to buy her a beautiful bouquet of flowers and took the train into the city even though she hates public transportation. The femme was as beautiful as in her profile, but weird. The whole time she talked about depression, death, her ex, and spent about 30 mins in the bathroom while my friend ate alone. When she came back from the bathroom she said she had a great time, asked for her food to go, and rushed my friend out. My friend still asked if she could kiss her. The femme agreed. Before kissing, she removed her invisalign and handed it to my friend to hold it for her while they kissed.
One femme spent all night talking about her ex: how she dressed, what she did for a living, how much she made a year, the restaurants and places they went together… she then proceeded to take out her phone and show my friend pics of her and her ex’s last trip to Cabo. At that point my friend told her she didn’t fucking care and left.
One other femme spent all night twitching and tweaking like a crack addict. My friend didn’t know if she had allergies or she was high on something. Turned out the femme was on painkillers and on disability. My friend never found out why because there wasn’t a second date.
Another femme looked great on her matchmaker pics, said all the right things over the phone, presented herself as a sweet wall flower… but when my friend showed up to pick her up she was more aggressive/butch than my friend. She tried to brush it off telling my friend that she didn’t believe in labels and was going through a butchier phase, and asked her if they could still grab a beer together. My friend declined and drove away without looking back.
One other butch went out with a soon to be divorced femme wannabe who spent the date trashing the father of her two boys and flirting with the waiter: touching is arm, laughing as his comments, giving him puppy eyes… while telling my friend she was done with men for good.
Another of my friends went out on a date with a femme who didn’t want to know her age, in case my friend was older than her mother. When they got to a fabulous little bar the femme had been telling my friend was the only place to go, it had closed down. They made it into another bar and the femme got a photographer to take pics of them for the next issue of the local LGBT newspaper without asking my friend first. The femme ordered really expensive drinks, complained about her feet hurting all night because she had had to walk from the original bar to the second bar two blocks away, and her conversation was inane. She then decided she didn’t want dinner (my friend was ravenous). My friend drove her home, but then the femme was hungry and everything was closed. They ended up at a Starbucks and my friend spent another tortuous hour listening to stories about the femme and her friends, her amazing talents and academic achievements, how original and cutting edge and hip she was… so she made all these smart remarks about old butches not having the energy or stamina to keep up with her, walked her home, and never called her.
A friend recently went on a date with someone who started talking (unprompted) about her experiences at kink conventions and practicing BDSM with her friends. My friend is by no means a prude, but she felt the femme was hypersexual and maniac.
Another friend went on a date that didn’t end well for the femme and boy was she pissed. They went to a concert, grabbed a bite, and went back to the femme’s place where my friend fucked her for about three hours before leaving. My friend never invited the femme on a second date because she got her milk and didn’t need to buy the entire cow. When the femme realized what was going on, she stalked my friend and some of her friends’ for about two months on Facebook, texted and left increasingly crazy and threatening voice messages.
Another friend asked out a femme for drinks at Cubby. The femme showed up super sweaty and told my friend she was going to go home and shower after biking from Brooklyn to her yoga class, but then changed her mind. She wanted my friend to see her in the raw. My friend says she was gorgeous but bad hygiene is a turn off. She didn’t even wash the grime from her bike wheels off of her hands and smelled like a sweaty unwashed yoga mat. My friend didn’t want to kiss her, but the femme grabbed her and showed her tongue down her throat. First and last date!
One other friend had been seeing this femme for about a month before they decided to have sex. That night they had gone out drinking and dancing before going back to my friend’s place. When she went down on the femme kissing and undressing her, and took off her jeans, the stench was unbelievable. My friend used walking the dog as an excuse to get fresh air and told her date to get comfortable and take a shower if she wanted while she waited for them to come back. She gave her 20 mins to shower. When my friend got back her date was naked but hadn’t showered and the smell in the bedroom was too much. She still wanted to have sex so she undressed and playfully tried to get the femme to shower with her, but she just didn’t want to shower. They ended up having sex without cunnilingus and my friend never called her again.
And the award for worst date ever goes to… another friend who shall remain nameless who met a femme online not long after joining a butch femme forum that shall also remain nameless. The femme described herself as a high femme who loved to wear nice clothes, go out for fine dining, Broadway shows, museums, classic music, and more. They flirted for a few weeks and agreed to go to a lesbian party happening a month later out East in Long Island, NY. As time got closer, they continued to flirt and my friend asked her if she could take her out to dinner the night of the party. The femme said yes and they spent time deciding what type of restaurant to meet at. This was before Yelp and google maps so my friend put a lot of time into finding the perfect restaurant based on what the femme had told her about her dining preferences.
When they met outside of the restaurant the first surprise was that the femme looked nothing like her profile photo. My friend should have run for the hills right there, but she really liked the femme and enjoyed their banter so she didn’t leave. As they walked into the restaurant and she could see her more clearly, she saw that the femme was wearing dirty white jeans and sneakers. My friend is a gentleman so she didn’t mention anything about her outfit. She thought perhaps the femme planned to change before the party, but she had known that the restaurant was upscale so my friend was surprised and confused. The waitress brought their menus and this femme who described herself as a “foodie” said there was nothing on the menu she could eat and asked if they could just make her a burger. The menu had options that were simpler fare– steak, chicken breast, etc. so there were plenty of options. At the table she flirted with my friend and she said a few nice things to her. My friend noticed her fingernails were broken and had dirt crusted under them. She was still very polite and tried to make her feel comfortable because that’s what butches do. The waitress was friendly to my friend and her date became angry and said she was flirting with her. It just went downhill from there.
At the party the femme got drunk and danced with some other drunk person. By the end of the night my friend was talking to other people and the femme was literally falling down drunk. My friend was afraid to leave her in a strange place in a town at least an hour from her home. So she sat at the bar and tried to get her to drink some water in hopes she would sober up. The femme then accused my friend of trying to control her and went dancing off with another butch. Of course that butch didn’t stick around because who wants to be with the drunkest person at the party and watch them fall down? It was last call, the femme went up to the bar and got another drink and fell down on her way to a table. Someone helped her up and my friend sat there wondering what to do. She knew the femme had her car outside and was afraid she would try to drive. She wouldn’t talk to my friend other than to accuse her of liking the waitress at the restaurant. The bar closed, the event was over, and there they were. All of the femme’s new friends at the party had left. She was vomiting in the parking lot and my friend just wanted to go home and forget that night ever happened. There was a small but clean motel a few doors down from the bar so my friend asked her date if she could get her a room. The femme started bawling and asked my friend to stay. My friend politely declined, got her settled, paid for the room and left. They never talked again.