Memo To The Clueless Butch 4

More unsolicited two cents from Yours Truly and my femme friends:

– good manners open more legs than the best pick-up lines you can come up with.
– words without action don’t mean shit.
– “so, do you cook?” is not a pick up line.
– “I am a Capricorn and you are a Taurus. Well, we are supposed to be compatible” is not a reason to date you.
– handle your own shit, don’t expect femmes to clean your strap-ons after sex.
– please have condoms in your house. Plural. Throw out the pack you bought in 1978. Most LGBT centers hand them out for free. And get some dental dams while you are at it.
– stop changing your mind about what you want in a femme every other day.
– stop flip-flopping or rephrasing yourself to adjust your likes to the femme you are courting. It’s ok to not agree on everything.
– before pulling a Shallow Hal, look yourself in the mirror and make sure you don’t look like Jack Black.
– during a fight, don’t bring up the fucked up shit that your ex or your parents did a lifetime ago. Let’s discuss what you need to do to work on YOUR relationship.
– femmes can’t fix the void inside you. The only thing that fixes that is self-love, self-discovery and awareness. Find your own happiness before dating/making someone else miserable.
– buying us flowers, paying for dinner, getting Broadway tickets and all the money in the world you put into wooing us don’t guarantee that you will get laid.
– if after the above you don’t get in a femme’s bed, that doesn’t automatically make her an user or a bitch. Sometimes the chemistry is simply not there. If you wouldn’t sleep with someone you don’t find attractive, don’t expect us to sleep with you just because you paid for dinner.
– femmes are capable of making good dating decisions. No still means no even if you think you are the best thing that’s walked on Earth since Elvis.
– find your own voice, form your own opinions, and grow a pair.
– Speak up! Please open your mouth when something is really important to you and/or you need to be heard. We are not mind readers!
– don’t chase a femme asking for pity sex or a date leading to pity sex even if it’s the middle of winter and you haven’t gotten any since last summer.
– whether single or in a relationship, your mental and physical health comes first. You can’t court/keep a femme if you are not taking care of yourself.
– cut the shit with the mixed signals. If you only want to get in a femme’s pants (not date her), don’t send her flowers for her birthday.
– if after three dates a femme hasn’t kissed you, she’s either there for the (free) food or has friendzoned you.
– your soul mate is not some other butch’s wife #sorrynotsorry
– your “annoying femme” is some other butch’s “damn baby where have you been all my life?!”
– “I’ve had no luck dating other people, you’ve had no luck dating other people, maybe we should go out on a date” only works when you’ve been friends for ten years and are making a “if we are single when we are 45…” pact. Giving any random femme that line will only get you a “I’m not that desperate” look and silence or a polite refusal.
– asking a femme out when you are drunk and chasing her to the bathroom to try to convince her that you are a great catch because you remember a conversation she and your ex had about sex a lifetime ago is not going to work well for you.
– you are born a top, you can’t make yourself be a top because you think that will get you in a femme’s bed.
– you don’t want to put your life on hold just because you are a raging alcoholic, drug addict or gambler who can’t make rent after spending all her money on her addictions? More power to you. Respect femmes who won’t date you because they don’t want to be your personal ATM, though.
– if you like a femme, grow some balls and ask her for her number. Call her, talk to her, ask her out on a date using the word “date” like it’s fucking 1955.
– (something I read somewhere) when going on a date go to a horror movie. Elevated heart rate and adrenaline is strongly tied to sexual attraction. I’m not naming any names, but there’s a femme who gets super horny with the Saw movies. Allegedly.
– when a femme tells you last night she rode some other butch’s cock into the sunset that means she has friendzoned you or she is sick and tired of you asking her out and hopes brutal honesty will open your eyes.
– when you get a phone number where a four could also be a nine, you send a text to both numbers and don’t get a response: she is not into you.
– if you are a stone butch, say so from the get go. Waiting two years to let your partner know, not really talking about it, just not letting her touch you all of a sudden fucks with a femme’s head. It’s not fair. I’m a stone butch enthusiast, and I hate when they pull that shit on my friends. After two years of touching someone, the last thing in your mind is that they are stone; you immediately think there’s someone else or there’s something wrong with you.
– nothing you read or hear about a femme can prepare you for a real interaction so stop saying: “I’ve read your book and I think I’m ready for you” because it makes you sound like a moron.
– if you are crushing on a femme, ask her out. Don’t waste time/energy telling other people about your crush or seeking advice from folks who might not know the femme/what she is into/how she likes to be wooed and/or who might have ulterior motives. I have seen it again and again: femmes who trash other femmes to butches they both like, femmes who trash butches they want to keep for themselves, butches who throw other butches under the bus thinking that will increase their chances with a femme acquaintance, someone who plays both parties just for fun… the list goes on and on and it’s sickening.

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