38 Things I Learned Last Year

1. There’s absolutely nothing that a little prosecco, some Adele, and the right stone butch can’t fix. Hello Daddy!

2. Don’t mess with Princess is my new motto.

3. When asked out on a date, I like hearing the word “date” and I love it coming from someone who is not black-out drunk. Are you listening, Universe?

4. It’s perfectly fine to shut up, turn around, and leave when a black-out drunk butch says “you are mean.”

5. I love Lush bath bombs.

6. To stay in when it snows.

7. To not eat oysters right before going to bed.

8. I’m 100% allergic to butches who bring their current girlfriend, ex girlfriend, and side chick to a party and text me that same night thinking they can get in my pants.

9. Ladies and gents, I am officially addicted to yelp.

10. Being an auntie to fur babies ain’t easy. Feeding a cat a banana was harder than I thought it would be.

11. Where to find the best breakfast in the Lower East Side. Oh hi again Daddy!

12. Fotws have feelings… but that doesn’t mean I have to waste time and energy on them.

13. To ask more questions before I go on a blind date.

14. To question the motives and character of whoever talks me into going on a blind date with someone who is taken (wtf?!).

15. To never ever order IKEA furniture thinking fotw or my butch friends can assemble it for me ever again.

16. Not to believe it when a femme says “trust me.”

17. To stop giving latitude to friends and acquaintances. We all have done crazy shit in our 20s, but we are old enough now to know and do better. I don’t want cheaters, compulsive liars or potheads around me.

18. No diet Pepsi = no more migraines! (knocking on wood)

19. My home is my sanctuary and I’m super selective with who I invite over.

20. Going back to someone who used to make me happy doesn’t work.

21. The more tits I see the more I love my own. Same goes for my pusay.

22. The sea feeds my soul in ways I can’t explain.

23. To be grateful I’ll never drunk text/call a butch at 4:00 am. I’m obsessive, but I have the common sense of deleting a butch’s contact info from my phone so, even if I want to call them, I can’t.

24. Best part of living alone (other than knowing I could eat off the floor {because it’s clean} and not worrying about someone else’s germs and bacteria growing on my cookware) is being naked 24/7.

25. I need to make myself a priority and stop postponing doctor/dentist’s appointments because I have to work late or weekends.

26. I love Korean food!

27. To stop absorbing other people’s stress and drama.

28. If I go to a wedding and the couple separates before 90 days, I want a refund. Dress, shoes, accessories, uber rides, and gift. Thank you very much!

29. I’m a magnet for deliciously mature butches who have no idea what to do with a femme like me #femmeproblems.

30. Life is short and you have to live everyday to its fullest… but I still let the butch I like make the first move because I’m too (stupid!) traditional.

31. I need to take self defense classes to protect myself the next time some asshole grabs me on the street.

32. All I want to do is go on road trips, drink prosecco, and have sex.

33. To stay focused.

34. There’s nothing worse than being stuck all night with no tinder and a cock-blocking friend.

35. After 16+ years in the US, I finally know that some ovens have pilots and where to find them.

36. To take dramamine before going whale watching.

37. Not every rash is Ebola.

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