40 Things I Learned Last Year


1. Femmes be crazy.

2. To never ever go to a supermarket at 3:00 pm on a SuperBowl weekend Saturday.

3. Some bridges were meant to be burned…with matches… and gasoline…and Molotov cocktails being throw… and nuclear warheads.

4. Being single is a sound relationship choice.

5. There’s nothing sadder than a 54 years old butch who thinks her sex days are over.

6. Oh wait! Yes: a butch who can only orgasm in two positions.

7. To simplify my life.

8. To be picture perfect 24/7 because you never know when you’ll run into the butch of your dreams.

9. People who ask me “why haven’t you blown up?” but don’t back it up with actions irk me. If you truly love how I write, buy my books/chapbooks and help me create a buzz. Or talk about the weather. Don’t just say shit like that because you feel uncomfortable with silence.

10. Organizing all my cards, glitter, and stickers wearing a skimpy bikini in front of the AC was the dumbest idea ever (goodbye glitter chaos, hello ebola!).

11. Why some stay with their psychopathic partners after catching them lying, cheating or worse.

12. You can adore, love, and miss someone and still know they aren’t right for you.

13. I don’t give a fuck what people think of my body and, yes, I’ll get naked pretty much everywhere.

14. On that note, I learned to check every room before I get naked at a butch’s place.

15. Being a size 12/14 is now a telltale sign of an eating disorder. Go figure!

16. How to cook eggs, bacon and home fries… for two. Booya!

17. White trufle oil is everything!

18. I don’t own anything flannel.

19. I don’t like getting my toes licked and my damned reflexes have me kicking anyone who tries.

20. Inaccuracies at all, I loved “Bohemian Rhapsody” and I’m obsessed with Queen.

21. I need to stop riding the short bus and start chatting up butches when they approach me at random places.

22. I am a Groupon addict and I need help. Someone please delete the app from my phone!

23. I’m out of control with other apps. Fitbit? Checked. Amazon? Checked. Amazon Now? Checked. One to control my cycle so I have my homework done when I go in for my IVF consultation? Checked. Another one to keep track of my poop? You betcha!

24. To look forward without expectations, just excitement.

25. How to report child abuse in NYS in case my next door neighbors keep trying me.

26. Either my kd lang phase has ended or I’m too old to put out for her concerts. I have zero desire to see her anywhere at $400+/ticket (mama still doesn’t do mezzanines).

27. Mature butches don’t automatically have their shit together. At all.

28. My RPS is out of control. Writing, cleaning, and walking do help (a lot!) but the issue is still there.

29. Karma doesn’t work on my schedule.

30. My mental age has dropped to that of a toddler and there’s proof. My most favorite song of 2018 is this.

31. To never ever ever ever ever ever EVER cook with butter.

32. To high five instead of hugging anyone who gives me the creeps.

33. I want to be adopted by one of those NFL players or Atlanta rappers who surprise people around Xmas by paying their rent for a year. NSA obvs.

34. I’m petty AF. If you hear a rumor that I responded: “did you come to my book presentation? Have you bought anything I have released in the last three months? Well, there’s your answer” when people asked me for money for the charities they support and/or buy things from their online stores around Xmas last year, believe it because I did!

35. Unconditional love. I took the plunge and adopted a furry baby. Never been happier.

36. If given the choice between a butch or my cat, I’ll choose the cat.

37. Life can change in a minute. Part of being a good parent is having an ICE plan. My baby’s ICE person has keys to my apartment and knows where to find food, toys, grooming and litter supplies, and extra money in case she runs out of cat food.

38. Someone died naming me everyone else’s personal assistant and I somehow missed the memo. This year I’m (re)setting boundaries.

39. I probably will never have a healthy relationship with my mother and it’s ok.

40. Barack Obama still follows me on twitter. Life is good.

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