the 28 stages of seeing kd lang live

Stage 1 get tickets months in advance.
Stage 2: choose what to wear months in advance.
Stage 3: rethink what you are wearing.
Stage 4: get a manicure and pedicure, and waxed the day before of the concert. Rethink your outfit a few more times.
Stage 5 (day of the concert): charge your camera and iPhone, check your purse 7,000 times to make sure you have your tickets, make sure you have cash for merchandise, and change your outfit last minute. Do your makeup (if you are into that) and get going.
Stage 6: get to the venue, locate your seat, go to the bathroom, get something to drink/eat depending on the venue. Scan the audience for butches if you’re going with friends. Scan the audience for friends/acquaintances if you are going with your butch/fotw.
Stage 7: listen to the opening act and mentally threaten to get onstage to kick them out after two songs. No offense anyone – love your music, but I’m not going to a kd lang concert for the opening act.
Stage 8: smile like an idiot, hit your butch/friend, and OMG a few times as you see kd lang finally taking the stage.
Stage 9: hyperventilate, I mean, breathe deeply a few times as you take in all the visual and auditory stimulation.
Stage 10: count your blessings. You are healthy, you have a job, and you are at your fourth of fifth kd lang’s concert, beatch!
Stage 11: close your eyes and let her voice/music transport you to your happy place.
Stage 12 (a): shamelessly get up, get close to the stage and take pics. Go back to your seat smiling like an idiot and hit your butch/friend in the arm and say stupid shit like: “oh. My. God. Like. I can’t believe we are here. Seriously. Thank you for taking me/coming with me. I’m SO excited! And I’m so wet. Look at that ass!!! And her neck! And her feet! Oh. My. God”.
Stage 12 (b): send your butch/friend closer to the stage to take pics for you. Promise a bj or to name your first child after them. Hit them and say stupid shit (see above) when they come back with the camera.
Stage 13: hit your butch/friend a few more times. Freak out because kd lang and you are breathing the same air.
Stage 14: finally calm down and enjoy the fucking concert like a normal person.
Stage 15: spend two nanoseconds thinking about that ex who bought you Invincible Summer and gave you the best sex of your life with Consequences of falling in the background. Ask your butch/friend if s/he is bored. Squeeze her knee or slap her arm a few more times to wake them up. YAS! You are so excited and you can’t hide it!
Stage 16: when kd lang takes out her banjo, you know what’s coming… run back to the front to sing and dance.
Stage 17: while dancing, control the urge to jump onstage to lick her mmmm mmm mmmm sweaty neck!
Stage 18: go back to your seat walking on sunshine.
Stage 19: run back to the front of stage when she comes out for the encores.
Stage 20 (optional): stop by the merchandise booth.
Stage 21: leave the venue butchering Sorrow nevermore or some other song, floating on a cloud of unicorns and happiness, thinking you’ve got your kd fix and are all good till next year.

If you go to the concert with your butch or fotw

Stage 22: skip dinner. Go straight home, take a quick shower, get into a little something something while your butch/fotw mixes some drinks. Play kd’s last CD. Have tipsy sex.
Stage 23: order food in. Have more tipsy sex. Eat. Drink some more. Have more sex.
Stage 24: (morning after) ignore your neighbors’ dirty looks as you leave the building to go to work or the gym.

If you go to the concert with a friend

Stage 22: find a place to eat. Talk about the concert ad nauseam during dinner.
Stage 23: play kd’s last CD, shower, and post pics online.
Stage 24: magic wand time!

Stage 25: (day after) keep playing her CD ad nauseam. Look at your pics. Look at the pics your butch/fotw or friend took. Look for/read online reviews.
Stage 26: write a long assed email to friends describing every second of the concert. Laugh with their “I’m glad we didn’t have to bail you out” texts. Remember what you’ve done during/after past concerts, talk about the token six degrees of separation, and laugh with your friends because you are indeed a crazy beatch.
Stage 27: more kd lang induced sex (with or without others)
Stage 28: post concert depression sets in. You now must wait 6-12 months till she comes back to the Tri-State area.

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