Is María Lapachet your real name? Aren’t you afraid someone will recognize you?

Yes, that’s my real first and last name (I don’t know why but a lot of people think my last name is a nick or screen name). Afraid of what? Of not being hired because I can be perceived as a strong, assertive, open minded woman who doesn’t like to take any shit in her personal life? Or afraid of being noticed by hot, single geriatric butches all of a sudden? I’m lucky enough to live in a city with plenty of LGBT friendly employers to chose from and, hey, if this blog gets me noticed by… say… a hot lawyer, police officer, firefighter, army reservist (yes, I have a thing for women in uniform) or entrepreneur… that’s more than welcome.

Who are you really?

A crazy Spaniard who loves butches/stone butches and won’t settle for the first asshole who says I have beautiful eyes. Really.

What is the best way to approach you?

ORIGINAL ANSWER: Come to one of the monthly NYC Butch Femme Socials and buy me a drink. If I don’t need one at that moment, talk to me, I don’t bite. Ask for my number before you leave and remember I’m a 2×4 femme. If you want to fuck or a date, say something. If you are a femme, do come to one of the Socials, you don’t need to buy me a drink : p

UPDATE: the NYC Butch Femme Socials are history. Come to one of the NYC Butch Femme Outings instead. Feel free to friend me on Facebook or fire me an email, but know that I prefer face to face interaction.

NEW UPDATE: I stopped hosting the NYC Butch Femme Outings years ago. I’m still easy to find online.

Should a femme and a butch go dutch?

My first reaction is responding: “only if they are friends or the butch doesn’t want the femme to know s/he has a thing for her.” In the real world, I think it’s acceptable to go dutch after the 3rd date and/or take turns paying.

Do you really believe butches should pay for dinner? Isn’t that anti-feminist or something?

Femmes put much more time, effort, and usually money into getting ready for a date. Some of us get our hair done, manicure and pedicure, wax, new dresses, new shoes, new handbags matching with the shoes, we may need make up… all to look good for the butch who is taking us out. The least s/he can do is pay for the date. It probably works out even.

What’s up with you and coffee?

For starters, I rarely drink coffee. Only when I’m about to go into caffeine withdrawal mode and there’s no diet Pepsi left in my house/for sale anywhere near me. I once heard or read this butch talk about how clever s/he was to spend only $10-$20 on coffee and pastries instead of “wasting” $100 on dinner. She was actually proud of being dirt cheap. Do I necessarily think that a first date must be dinner in a super expensive restaurant? No. I’m the happiest femme on Earth when a butch cooks for me or we go out for buffalo wings and ginger ale. My point is that a butch shouldn’t be putting a price tag on a femme – and that’s IMO what said butch was doing.

Besides, do you see a lot of people making out in coffee places? I haven’t seen anyone yet. None of my AA friends (as in “recovering alcoholics who go to AA meetings,” thank you) has reported getting laid after a coffee date – not even being kissed. Is a date without a kiss a date? Not in my book. I call that “hanging out.” I hang out with my friends and I have enough friends already.

That in a nutshell is why I almost never drink coffee and I don’t do coffee dates.

How do femmes flirt with other femmes?

I have no idea. I only flirt with butches and stone butches.

How can you tell if a butch likes you?

Read this.

How do you spot crazy femmes who turn out to be straight?

There’s no easy answer for this one because every woman is different. A red flag for me is when the femme tries to change a butch to make her less butch (for instance, pushing femme clothes on her if they go shopping together, suggesting s/he grows her hair or asking her to wear makeup) or when she says things that reveal a strong streak of internalized lesbophobia (for instance, criticizing your friends for getting married in Canada or getting pregnant, saying she believes a child needs a bio-male father figure and not a butch co-parent even if the butch male IDs. Does that make sense?).

I like a femme. How do I ask her out without making an ass of myself? And/or I want to take a femme out but I’m broke. Any suggestions?

I would start by telling her you want to take her out on a date – using the word “date.” For more info, read this. I’m not sure how other femmes do this but I don’t ask: “what are we going to do?” (that’s something I’d ask my friends when we’re planning to hang out). IMO it’s better if you ask her out and plan a great night to surprise her; read this for some budget friendly first date ideas.

Can butches and femmes be just friends? 

Absolutely yes!

What do you call two butches in a relationship?

My future brother-husbutches! All kidding aside, I guess I’d call them a “couple” and/or ask them what they like to be called. 

Do you follow all your rules?

Hell no! Rules are meant to be broken. I have four basic rules that I stick to and the rest are negotiable – depending on the situation. My 4 rules are:

  1. I don’t do my friends’ past, present, and future lovers, girlfriends, fotws, etc. Ever. Even if that friendship no longer exists, I never cross that line.
  2. I don’t do coworkers.
  3. I don’t do children. Self-explanatory.
  4. I don’t do animals. Pretty obvious as well.

If you were in a committed relationship and your butch asked if another femme can be invited for one night of sex with both of you instead of cheating, would you? Why or why not? 

Been there, done that. No thank you. When it comes to threesomes, I’d rather be the guest star.  As a guest star, you get twice the attention and twice the pleasure; you can grab your clothes, close the door behind you, and leave the couple to deal with their morning-after drama on their own. I don’t care how mature, advanced, or “European” they claim to be – insecurities, jealousy and trust issues always end up coming up and I’m more than happy not to have to deal with that shit.

Now, you said “instead of cheating”. Sounds to me like your butch is blackmailing you. If she’s going to cheat, she’s going to cheat regardless of whom you bring home to “share” or as a “gift” to her. Would she be so into threesomes if the other party were a butch?

What’s your favorite perfume?

It depends on my mood and where I’m going to. Some of my favorite perfumes and body splashes: Paris Baby Doll by Yves Saint Laurent, Trésor by Lancôme, 212 by Carolina Herrera, Rush by Gucci, Aura by Loewe, I Loewe You by Loewe, L by Loewe, Dream Angels Desire by Victoria Secrets, Beauty Rush Juiced Berry by Victoria Secrets, Bouquet Impérial by Roger & Gallet, and Sheer Freesia by Bath & Body Works.

What’s your favorite perfume on a butch?

No one really asked this but TMI Queen me I’m going to put it in writing anyways. I love SWEAT to a certain degree. At some point I end up getting tired of being with a stinky butch. Héritage by Guerlain and Bvlgari Black by Bvlgari are nice options.

What’s your guilty pleasure?

TV shows like Intervention or Hoarders make me feel good about myself. I also read… ahem… romance novels (if my mother read English she would disown me).

What does “fotw” mean?

Fotw = flavor of the week.

What’s your most humorous romantic encounter ever?

Summer of 2005. Break up weekend in Fire Island (New York). You know how it goes: you tell a butch you’re done and she talks you into spending one last weekend in Fire Island because she can’t cancel the reservations. Anyhow, we fucked like rabbits, drank sangria and ate mussels at that restaurant that’s right on the beach, went to the dunes, had more sex, got in the water, and she lost a tooth and started bawling. Needless to say, I didn’t have the guts to follow thru with the breakup seeing her so upset. Since then, I always make a clean breakup and go no contact.

How do you ask a femme out if you are a femme?

I have no idea. I guess the first thing you need to do is finding out if said femme is into other femmes. As a femme who only dates/sleeps with butches and stone butches and is very unapologetic about it, I find it annoying and somewhat offensive when a femme asks me out.

Do you organize the Butch Femme April Dance?

ORIGINAL ANSWER: No, I don’t. There is some confusion between The Butch/Femme Society (which holds meetings at the Center on the 3rd Wednesday of the month, organizes the Butch Femme April Dances and occasional outings like bowling or visits to the Bronx Botanical Garden, and, more importantly, rallies butches and femmes to march on Pride every year) and the NYC Butch Femme Socials (which I co-host and are mostly drinks once a month and occasional outings like karaoke, rowing in Central Park, etc). I think it’s safe to say that The Butch/Femme Society and the NYC Butch Femme Socials are sister groups that endorse each other’s events but are run by different people.

UPDATE: the NYC Butch Femme Socials are now history. Please like the NYC Butch Femme Outings page on Facebook to stay posted on upcoming butch femme events. Other butch/femme things going on in NYC (which I don’t organize but occasionally attend) are:

Butch Femme Society‘s monthly meetings and dinners, Pride March group, April Dance, etc.
Butch Femme Society: The Next Generation
The Rainbow Koffee Klatch

NEW UPDATE: I stopped hosting the NYC Butch Femme Outings years ago. The Butch Femme Society stopped doing the monthly meetings and dinners in late 2016. For information on new events like them on Facebook and also join the group Rainbow Brunch for their monthly brunches. Both the Next Generation and Koffee Klatch groups are inactive.

Where are all the cute butches in NYC?

ORIGINAL ANSWER: I don’t know. Send me a memo when you find out! Seriously, start going to the Butch/Femme Society’s meetings or the NYC Butch Femme Socials’ outings, volunteer at the Center, try Craigslist and/or create a profile on the Butch Femme Matchmaker.

UPDATE: Read this and come to one of the NYC Butch Femme Outings.

NEW UPDATE: The NYC Butch Femme Outings are history. Good luck on your butch hunt! (giggling).

I’m a stone butch and will never be anything else. When I’m with a femme whose experience has been only with regular lesbians, how do I get the message across with finality that I cannot and will not let her play lesbian girls’ games with me in bed? How?

I believe communication and “deprogramming” is key. Make sure she understands that you like or love her and that your boundaries have nothing to do with your level of trust, commitment or love. As a femme who’s dated stone butches, I’m sick and tired of being seen as a selfish lover, pitied (“if she trusted you enough, she would let you touch her,”), and told that our relationship is not (insert here whatever you want to) enough. Good enough? Deep enough? Solid enough? Committed enough? Real enough? Yes, it’s very frustrating to hear again and again that, because I don’t stick my fingers up her vagina, I can’t be in a “real” relationship with a stone butch, I’m not having “real” sex with a stone butch, and I am not a “real” lesbian.

What the ‘mainstream’ lesbians (and even some butches and femmes) just don’t get is that a stone butch really has only two erogenous zones: her mind and the ‘whole’ of her body. A femme can kiss a stone butch’s ear or lick her arm and that stone butch will have mind-blowing orgasms. That the stone butch’s focus is on giving to the femme and that that is the ultimate turn on for her doesn’t mean that she doesn’t enjoy sex or that the femme just lays there waiting to be pleasured and not giving anything in return.

Why do butches have that fascination/obsession with straight women?

I’m no expert and I’m not a certified psychologist/psychiatrist either. My inner and cheap self-help guru thinks it may be a combination of the proverbial fear of commitment and fear of rejection that we all experiment at one moment or another.

By fixating on someone who’s either too straight to be turned into a lesbian or has internalized lesbophobia to the extreme of going back to men, a butch can safely remain single without working on her own issues. It’s easier to blame your inability to be in a relationship on someone else than to look at your own life.

Can you be femme and not shave your armpits?

There are as many types of femmes as there are femmes. Just because IMHO having hairy armpits makes you borderline granola lesbian doesn’t mean you are not a femme. If you are happy with hairy armpits, more power to you!

Is it normal/legal for a butch/femme to hack into her girlfriend’s email?

It’s neither legal nor normal. Personally, though most of the “happily partnered” people I know routinely enter into their significant other’s emails, I find the lack of privacy and trust disturbing. Whether you have reasons to believe someone is cheating on you or not, whether she gave you her password or you used some spyware, reading your girlfriend’s emails is wrong.

Why haven’t you approved my follow request on twitter? or Why have you blocked me?

If I have unfollowed or blocked you, chances are you annoy me either with your random tweets about “bitches”/doing drugs, or we have somehow interacted and I got tired of your whining. If I haven’t approved your request to follow it may be because I think you are a straight man posing as a lesbian or because I’ve seen something like “don’t believe in labels, moving away the outdated butch/femme categorization” – if you do not believe in labels and have no expiration date then you have no business in my business. (Read this with your Butters’ inner voice) Do you know what I’m saying?

How do I get my gigs, books, videos, articles, etc featured in The Daily Butch Femmer?

The Daily Butch Femmer is an online newspaper created using an automated content curation service (paper.li). Other than the title and the people I follow, I have no control over what gets published. Paper.li automatically selects what gets published in the newspaper from the feeds of the butches and femmes listed on my twitter Butch/Femme list. I do not have to follow you and you do not have to follow me back. If you have a twitter account, tweet or DM me your user name at @afemmeinnyc so that I can list you.

I love your blog/books and think you are awesome. Can I friend you on Facebook?

Sure, just send me a request.

Do lesbians have to wear protection?

Someone who googled that question was directed to my blog. Yes, IMO lesbians do need to wear protection. While the risk of HIV transmission is almost nonexistent, no one comes with a sign on their forehead or around their clit saying they have chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, and other diseases that are on the rise precisely because not too many lesbians bother in using protection any more. I know butches who don’t even boil their cocks once in a while to disinfect and femmes who are perfectly fine with that. Do you know where that cock has been?! And I’m not talking about a vagina, I’m talking about butches who leave their cocks under their beds to collect dust and cat hair. Ewwww.

How do you discipline your butch?

Number one: I don’t have a butch. Number two: if there’s some disciplining going on, I’m the disciplinee.  My 2 cents: get tips and ideas from Jay Wiseman’s SM 101 and Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy’s The new topping book, join your local lesbian BDSM group, and find another femme top or even a butch to be your mentor.

What exactly is so unbutch about the femme making the first move? Do I lose my butch card if that happens?

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a femme asking a butch out. It doesn’t make her any less of a femme and it doesn’t take away the butch’s butch card. I don’t do it because in the past when I’ve made the first move I’ve found myself making or taking other first steps. I like butches who are in charge. But that is me. I do not speak for any other femmes.

Are you single?

If you don’t see a ring on my finger, yes.

Why does kd lang wear that same necklace all the time?

Someone got to my blog by googling that question. I have no idea. I’m not her stylist and I’m not a mind reader either. It may be a Buddhist thing. The necklace may have a sentimental value. I don’t know. Why don’t you ask her?

kd lang on twitter
kd lang on Facebook
kd lang’s website

What happened to the NYC Butch Femme Socials?

The butch co-host and Yours Truly were taking a break “for the time being” (work, medical & dental treatments, writing deadlines, school… we had a lot going on). After a very looooong and cold winter in NYC, the butch co-host stepped down, and I decided to shut down the Butch Femme Socials and start a new adventure – the NYC Butch Femme Outings.

UPDATE: The NYC Butch Femme Outings are history due to lack of interest.

What happened to the butch femme website?

If you emailed me or got to this blog because when you go to butch-femme.com all you have is a white screen, I have no idea. I know that from time to time they take the website down for scheduled maintenance, upgrading the servers, etc; but I’m not in charge and I’m not one of their admins either. Questions about butch-femme.com should be addressed to Miz Chris directly.

What does AA femme mean?

Keep in mind I don’t know everything about everything. To me, “AA” stands for either “African American” or “sober” if s/he is going to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings.

Can’t find you on Facebook. Why don’t you have a fan page?

I do have a Facebook profile and I do have a fan page (see below links and feel free to add/like me). I don’t have a profile or a fan page specific for this blog because I don’t have time or energy for it.

Fan page
A Femme in NYC album

Do you Skype, iChat, videochat, etc. with your fans?

No, but that applies not only to my fans (hi mom!) but also to my friends. I prefer face to face communication and I’m totally paranoid: my laptop’s webcam is covered 24/7 with a Forever stamp. You may wonder why – well, I don’t do LDRs and I don’t need anyone to see me naked while I’m writing or watching porn.

Why do you have 2 twitter accounts?

I used to have 3 accounts: 2 for A femme in NYC (@afemmeinnyc and @afemmeinnyc1) and one for my feminist/lesbian visibility/LGBT rights/women’s rights blog in Spanish. I can’t remember why I had to have 2 A Femme in NYC related accounts; I think it had something to do with the info on my timeline not posting on The Daily Butch Femmer.

To answer your question I have 2 accounts because some folks don’t speak English or Spanish and I don’t want to annoy the shit out of anyone in the wrong language. I like to keep A Femme in NYC light and funny, but I update my Spanish blog almost daily (sometimes a few times a day) and the links can get aggravating after a while.

UPDATE: I’m down to only one twitter account (@afemmeinnyc). I don’t have time or energy for more.

Why do you like old and wrinkled butches?

Read this.

Do you know any butch straight women?

No. But I know closeted butch (lesbian) women who are married, have kids, and like to waste a femme’s time playing games instead of divorcing their husbands.

Do stone butches kiss?

Of course!

Can being stone butch cause relationship issues?

No. I’m my modest opinion, if you get into a relationship with a stone butch knowing what you are doing, there may be problems or issues like in any other relationship but your husbutch’s being a stone butch won’t be the issue UNLESS you have lied to yourself and to her. What I mean is that if somewhere down the line a femme is unhappy because her stone butch partner doesn’t let her touch her (duh!) that’s not on the stone butch: that’s on the femme who got together with a stone butch thinking she could change her. That is as if I were dating a brunette and, 6 months into it, started resenting her for not being a ginger. I hope this makes sense when you read it because it makes sense in my head.

I like a butch who just started dating someone. It’s a new relationship and they don’t call each other girlfriend and/or haven’t changed their Facebook status yet. Should I tell her something about my feelings?

I don’t know what to tell you. I wouldn’t open my mouth because (a) if s/he has told you that s/he is dating someone new and s/he is happy, you see her smiling and excited… let it be. They may breakup in 2 weeks, they may end up being together for 2 years. Who knows? But you wouldn’t want another femme to do the same thing to you when you are dating someone new with potential, right? (b) there’s plenty of fish in the sea.

Am I weird for being a femme who likes femmes?


Response to (unapproved) comments and emails accusing me of being bi or transphobic.

I’m as bi/transphobic as I am a man hating lesbian. Just because I choose not to sleep with straight men, bisexual women or transmen, doesn’t mean I hate or discriminate against them. Sheesh! It’s 2014, people, do I really need to explain this any further?

I’m a femme and I have stretch marks. Can that be a problem for a butch?

Sure, why not? But why would you want to be with someone so superficial and out of touch with her own body? Because, butch or femme, fat or skinny, young or old, sooner or later we all have stretch marks. And sagging tits. And cellulite in our asses, pimples, grey hairs… Thankfully most butches are just happy to be able to hold a femme in their arms and touch us all over.

What does it mean when a butch invites you over and cooks for you?

You need to ask that to the butch who invites you over. To me, if a butch friend or coworker invites me over, it just means that they want to make sure domestically challenged me gets real food in her body. If fotw or someone I’m dating cooks for me, it means they care and/or want to make me horny. I’m a true Taurus: cook me something that I like and, after a nap, my legs will open for you like 7-Eleven.

What does a stone butch want in bed? What makes a stone butch orgasm?

Please read this.

I’m creating a think tank for independent thinkers to discuss A, B & C, would you join & post at X website?

Show me the money! Seriously: Show. Me. The. Money. My website, blogs, and books already give me all the exposure I need. Any “free exposure” I might get through your website/blog/podcast will have minimal impact and I’m assuming you will want an on-going collaboration. Free work doesn’t pay my bills. Furthermore, free work takes up time that I could spend writing, practicing self-care, volunteering, seeing friends/relatives, seeing the butch or just playing with myself.

NEW I messaged you on facebook, instagram, twitter, etc., can see you read my message but you haven’t responded. Why?

The best way to contact me is via email as I can’t keep up with all the messages I get on different social media platforms. Sometimes I mark all my messages as read without reading them (especially facebook – I only log in a couple of times a month and, if the messages are over 50, I mark all read and move on). Sorry not sorry, it’s too much.

NEW Is it possible to get your password for protected posts? I’ve been reading your blog for a long time, am very respectful, and wouldn’t share it with anyone else.

If you want to read any protected posts, please email me. Don’t leave the request as a comment here because WordPress sends me your email address mangled and then my email with the password bounces back.

Can I ask you another question?

Sure. Leave it in the comments box below or fire me an email. I can be reached at marialapachet@yahoo.com.

9 thoughts on “FAQ

  1. Love the pay for dinner part. 🙂 Another red flag: If a femme says she wants to date a butch or a stone butch, she does not mean she wants to date someone who says, “my friends say I’m butchy sometimes.” Yes, everyone likes a pretty girl but listen to what a femme wants and don’t try to mold yourself to become it. It doesn’t work.

    1. Thanks Robin. I agree with you 100% on women trying to date femmes who have made it clear that they only date butches/stone butches. I hate it when someone who is not a butch thinks she can change my mind. “Some days I’m butch, some days I’m just a girl,” “I don’t know if I’m a butch, you tell me” or “I don’t know if I’m a butch, show me.” I could be here till tomorrow 😀

  2. Thank you for this!!! I am a newly out lesbian who has always been attracted to butches, but I have not had a lot of experiences with them, or should I say more then “one night stands” with them. I am currently 6 months into a committed relationship with a stone butch, who I love and adore in a way I didn’t know was possible. But I have had a lot of people tell me that I am not a real lesbian, because she looks, talks, and acts like a boy. They just don’t get it. I also haven’t had anyone to ask questions, or talk to about what it’s like to be with a stone butch. Especially at first, it was difficult for me to really believe that she gets the majority of her pleasure by pleasing me. Your wealth of information from your personal experience has been incredibly helpful. Keep sharing!

  3. “I’m sick and tired of being seen as a selfish lover, pitied (“if she trusted you enough, she would let you touch her,”), and told that our relationship is not (insert here whatever you want to) enough. Good enough? Deep enough? Solid enough? Committed enough? Real enough? Yes, it’s very frustrating to hear again and again that, because I don’t stick my fingers up her vagina, I can’t be in a “real” relationship with a stone butch, I’m not having “real” sex with a stone butch, and I am not a “real” lesbian.”

    This and this a thousand times over. Amen. Thanks for saying that. I am SO tired of the false piety.

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