37 Things I Learned Last Year


1. Being a third wheel is great. Not sure if it’s a NYC thing, but my happily partnered friends have paid for dinner 99% of the times we got together last year. Fucking awesome!

2. Cold diuresis is a real thing and no, I don’t have it.

3. I’m addicted to chicken tikka masala.

4. My inner feminist has left the building. Butches who order my food for me make me wet.

5. On that note, I am now into Daddy Doms.

6. There are things that can’t be unheard (deliciously mature butches be crazy!).

7. I have zero patience for butch-femmers who can’t keep their stories straight.

8. To not publish any blog posts while I’m on pain killers.

9. I don’t mind picking up the tab for a friend, an acquaintance who treated me before or someone in our community who is legitimately down on their luck. I won’t support or enable any butches and/or femmes who are known lifelong users and abusers.

10. Amy Schumer in Trainwreck is my spirit animal.

11. I’m anal retentive with money. Well, some people think I am anyways. I use QuickBooks to keep track of my personal finances. I enter cash transactions weekly and once a month I do my bank statement reconciliation. A bit nerdy? You betcha!

12. Dogs don’t appreciate the time and effort one puts in finding them the right My Little Pony hoodie.

13. A football head butch is a football head butch is a football head butch is a football head butch…

14. I must be going through a Beyoncé phase (you must not know about me, you must not know about me…)

15. I have a thing for British butches (of course, with my luck, all I’ve met are bottoms). Must be their accents!

16. I feel bad for femmes who date loser after loser and knowingly let them use them as their meal ticket. But not bad enough to waste time/energy on their drama.

17. Waking up next to a butch when you long for someone else is not the worst thing in the world.

18. Some butches are truly clueless and they don’t get it even if you hit them hard with the proverbial 2×4.

19. That I love prosecco.

20. I watch waaaaay too much Law & Order SVU.

21. To never EVER travel without my puffy eyes cream.

22. Assholic butches still provide valuable life lessons (here is to a 2016 without fuckbois!).

23. “Adult coloring books” is a thing, it’s IN and it’s socially acceptable.

24. I love my fitbit. I am obsessed with my fitbit. I get separation anxiety when it’s charging.

25. I should keep a spreadsheet of why I stopped talking to X femme/seeing X butch because (apparently) I now have selective memory for people who fucked me over. I mean, I still won’t sit next to someone who fucked me over and tell them the story of my life since we stopped talking (once you are out, you are out), but hell if I remember why.

26. Thank God for friends who keep tabs on the above and refresh my memory with a quick text message from across the room when needed.

27. I’m really good at giving butch haircuts.

28. To never EVER book a hotel through agoda.com. Three days before my SFO trip, they cancelled my reservation. I almost died of a cardiac not once, not twice, but thrice: when they told me, when they couldn’t fix their error, and when I ended up paying $700 extra to stay at a different hotel (totally worth it, btw).

29. San Francisco was one thousand times better than I ever imagined.

30. Butches who hold your face or neck when kissing you are a godsend.

31. The difference between a Daddy and a dino.

32. I love, love, love, LOVE impromptu trips to Atlantic City.

33. On that note, I’m too cheap to gamble.

34. I have a thing for My Little Pony tote bags and my Hello Kitty handbag collection is getting out of control.

35. I’m a sucker for flowers.

36. Can’t leave me unsupervised at the Disney store (especially if I have Daddy’s card).

37. To stay away from you can see them coming from a mile self-proclaimed activists con-artists.

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One thought on “37 Things I Learned Last Year

  1. Lyme & Co says:

    Oh, #30. Why are they so few and far between? Do they not know that this simple move will bring us to our knees? Good to hear from you, I enjoy your sassiness. Go ahead and get down with your bad self. I think 24 hours with you would be a hoot.

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