A Fuckboi Is A Fuckboi Is A Fuckboi Is A Fuckboi

A harmless fuckboi is someone that somewhat IDs as a butch/stone butch/stud or within the queer masculine spectrum (whatever that means) who you call for good butch cock knowing that’s all you want.

The fuckboi one needs to stay away from is that who:

– prides themselves on not being a fuckboi but behaves like one.
– lies and does whatever needs to be done to get in your pants.
– is totally self-absorbed. 90% of their social media pics (if not all) are selfies where they pout or touch their lips a la martini guy (fast forward to 0:22) and/or dramatically squints their eyes to appear mysteriously sexy.
– is easy to spot at a party checking themselves in the mirror or making sure everyone is looking at them while they dance with you.
– gets your number from facebook or through a friend. Asking you directly is too much effort.
– never calls. They will contact you via Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and what not and/or text you. Actually calling is too 1999.
– has little interest in you as a person. Rarely asks you who you are, what you like/don’t like, or how your day was because she doesn’t care about you.
– has short attention span. You can explain something to them four times and they still have no idea of what’s going on. However, you are expected to remember and celebrate their likes/dislikes down to the t. They have so many groupies and you are oh so lucky they have chosen to spend time with you! Barf.
– displays a limited command of the English language with texts like “hi,” “hey there,” “what’s good?” or “hey, hey, hey!” (are you a butch or fat Albert?).
– responds vaguely if you ask any personal questions.
– only texts you when they are horny or bored.
– writes “not here for a hookup” on their tinder profile.
– demands a lot of your time and energy. They can disappear for days but how dare you not spend every single second thinking about them, sexting them, texting them, liking their photos online, writing about them or cooking for them? Are you ok, do you need to go to a hospital? Because they are the best thing that has ever happened to you and you sure aren’t showing enough appreciation! Barf.
– spends most of their time on their phone. I’m not even going to mention a museum or a Broadway show because fuckbois seem to be allergic. If you are at a bar, you can spot them by the amount of time they spend on their phones or by their staring at you over their date’s shoulder.
– asks for head to toes pictures or nudes almost immediately. Doesn’t send any in return.
– can’t believe you don’t trust them and won’t send them nudes.
– expects you do to wife stuff for them like cooking, cleaning, and their laundry.
– is an expert on tinder and other dating applications, but needs help with their resume on Word format or a fan-page/webpage for their side business.
– is chronically unemployed, has the best ideas (personal chef or trainer, real estate agent, dog walker) but no real ambition. Again, needs fully employed while also going to school full time you to waste time and energy doing their website.
– texts you with “let’s chill”, “let’s hang” but rarely follows through because staying home sexting other femmes consumes all their time.
– only wants to see you at their place. It’s all “netflix and chill” without the netflix part.
– doesn’t put any effort or thought on what you do if you hang out outdoors.
– is cheap. Technically you two are not dating so why buying you a drink or paying for dinner?
– (on the opposite side of the spectrum, someone who) is on top of you from dawn till dusk, showers you with just because flowers and cards, plans picnics in Central Park, day trips out East, museum outings… but introduces you to their friends as just a friend and screams you are nuts if you think things are getting serious after six months of “hanging out.”
– keeps the number of femmes in their life a mystery. You can’t tell who is their friend, their fling or an ex because everyone is liking each other pics and calling themselves “bae,” “boo,” or “precious” online.
– struggles with competition and talks shit about other butches. Everyone is a fuckboi (except them!) and no other butch is as funny, charming, sharp, dandy… as they are.
– calls themselves Daddy and encourages you to call them Daddy two texts/messages in. Barf.
– calls you “babe,” “boo,” “cupcake,” “princess,” “baby girl,” “angel,” “baby boo”… (probably because they can’t keep the names of all the femmes they sext straight) yet lectures you if you catch feelings.
– is a hot and cold butch who keeps giving you mixed signals. They say they are not ready for a relationship, but they would like to know you more. You spend seven hours together one day, then they disappear for three. They need you to be loyal and don’t get mad if they start fucking or spending time with someone else because you are not together. If you catch feelings, it’s your fault. You knew what this was. They told you they are not ready for a relationship.
– pretends not to know what the butch honor code is or acts as if it doesn’t apply to them. Will sleep with femmes who are dating other butches, engaged or even married just to get a notch on the belt.
– has a thing for married femmes and straight women.
– preys on unattainable femmes. The more damage they can cause by adding a femme to their list of conquests, the bigger the thrill. They go after femmes who just lost a child, had a mastectomy, were diagnosed with something major, have kids with special needs… they tell them what they want to hear, wine and dine them, and after sex, when things get serious, they gradually disappear.
– keeps hitting on you after you reject them. You stopped responding to their texts/messages/emails long ago, but from time to time you’ll get a text or email trying to get a reaction out of you – especially if they are bored or in between not-girlfriends.
– flips things around when you catch them playing.
– is too much of a dick to admit they’ve been playing you, knew from the beginning you were looking for something serious, and they lead you on while talking to seven other femmes.
– thinks femmes are stupid. It’s 2016. Polyamory and open relationships are now mainstream. There is literally no reason to lie to a femme. Yet two-timing fuckbois keep saying shit like “you’re the one I’m talking to” thinking we can’t put two and two together.

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2 thoughts on “A Fuckboi Is A Fuckboi Is A Fuckboi Is A Fuckboi

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